Editors Note: This post is the first “official”Â So Good post by Cary, So Good’s newest contributor.Â Â Cary is probably well known to any regular readers as he has been an active commenter since So Good launched in August of 2007.Â He was also in the same sketch comedy group as me in college, for whatever that’s worth.Â He will be posting here at So Good from time to time.Â You can read his two previous guest posts HERE and HERE. Enjoy his official debut post:
1. Guy Fieri
Show and Premise: Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.Â Guy Fieri (pronounced with extra Italian emphasis) showcases awesome eateries all over the U.S.Â Great premise.
My Problem: My brother loves this guy, but anyone could do his job.Â Here’s an idea: Why don’t we pluck Andy Rooney off of his old personâ€™s couch.Â You know, that ancient guy who wears glasses and is SALTY AS FUCK.Â Let’s bring him to awesome diners, drive-ins and dives all over the country.Â This would make insanely great television.Â Who doesnâ€™t want to see an old man muttering and trying to eat giant burgers while trying to suppress his “quiet” racism when forced to eat Mexican food?
Instead, we have a Van’s Warped Tour reject wandering around eating things.Â This is considered entertainment.Â His food criticism is terrifying.Â This is probably the part of the show that makes me want to put my skinny white fist right through screen the most.Â “Awesome.”Â “Wow.Â Wow.”Â “This is great.”Â “This is awesome.”Â Thanks Guy, thank you for your insight.
My Solution: Shoot Guy Fieri out of a canon into outer space.Â Replace him with either Rooney or a morbidly obese 14-year-old.
2. Mario Batali
Show and premise: Molto Mario and Iron Chef America.Â Alright, I know that the show was canceled in 2004.Â But it was done for a reason.Â I loves me some Iron Chef, but tend to gravitate towards the classic version with AWFUL voice-over work.
My Problem: Pompous, terrible sense of humor, and the real nail in the coffin: He makes me agree with Mo Rocca.Â I hate Mo Rocca, but apparently we both hate the fact that Mario wears Crocs.Â I dislike Crocs footwear more than Mario, so it’s a deadly combination.
Let’s not forget his descriptions of food.Â When creating a simple lasagna, you get this crammed into your ear-hole: “This is no simple ricotta.Â No, this is prepared in the Southern-most tip of a’Italy, where the women were without proper cheese cloths.Â In order to separate the curds from the whey, they would…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…Look, I like to learn about regional cooking, but not by a guy so in love with his own voice.Â This problem is especially evident in Iron Chef, where it takes him approximately 4/5′s of the show to present his first two dishes.Â He’s essentially the David Foster Wallace of cooking with no endearing qualities.
My solution: Put him on a PBS show with the actress-wife of epic fail Coldplay singer Chris Martin.Â That way no…oh, they already did.Â FANTASTIC.
Show and Premise: Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade Cooking/ 30 Minute Whatevs.Â Anyone can cook when they don’t have to try!
My problem: Let’s keep this short and sweet.Â They don’t want you to try.Â They do this under the guise of helping people who don’t have time to cook.Â They actively promote laziness.Â No, don’t learn the proper technique of cooking!Â Get everything pre-made, respect no tradition.Â Spit on the memory of Julia Child.Â Is this the new American tradition of cooking?Â Will mom’s pass these half-assed recipes down through generations?Â I shudder at the thought.
My Solution: Shoot them out of canons facing each other.
Show and Premise: Bizarre Foods.Â He goes all over the world eating strange food.
My Problem: This show is essentially Fear Factor with no underwater cages.Â Zimmern is like a cruel American caricature, a fat, bald, jolly tourist with khaki shorts and salmon golf t-shirts.Â His show is an unfortunate victim of reality show over-exposure syndrome.Â How many times can I watch an American talking about how weird things are everywhere else?
Also, Andrew, speaking to foreigners isn’t the same as talking to people with hearing aids; LOUD and SLOW is patronizing.Â Especially when the show is painfully half-scripted.Â Honestly, it’s a less interesting version of Man Vs. Wild with Bear Grylls.Â That being said, I would kill to see Andrew Zimmern jump into glacial pools and drink his own urine (less bacteria when itâ€™s fresh, kids)!
5. Marc Summers
Show and Premise: Unwrapped.Â Summers narrates over informative stock footage of candy factories.
My Problem: That he is completely and utterly insane.Â His show is like the films you watched in Technology class in Middle School.Â Clean, precise, full of boring, boring information.Â Oh god.Â It’s just so creepy and lifeless.Â The only thing besides a Mark Summers voice-over that will make me change the channel faster is Real Housewives of Orange County.Â And that should tell you something.
My Solution: Make Mark Summers take a bunch of peyote and wander around in the desert.Â That should really make the show interesting.
Dishonorable Mention: Anthony Bourdain
Show and Premise: Eternally hip No Reservations
My Problem: Let’s make it clear that I have no problem with Bourdain The Writer.Â He’s great at his craft, and I’ve read one and a half of his books.Â However, his show is bizarrely formulaic for being anti-celebrity chef in its scabrous nature.Â How his show reads:
1. Tony shows up in city or country.Â Comments on how he can/can’t drink/smoke.
2. Tony voices his pre-determined opinion.Â He knows it’s going to be great/doubts the locale’s greatness.
3. Tony eats a ton of food, but usually saves his more orgasmic reactions for meat.Â Which is understandable (I guess?).
4. Tony gets too drunk/complains about how one of his shoots is boring
5. In the last scene, Tony eats a traditional peasants’ food, and reminds everyone that we’ve lost our way.Â Talks about how he is “truly happy,” and how that is a rare thing.
Again, great writer, hilarious guy, show is getting stale like no one’s business.
Hope this sparks some debate.Â I left out Bobby Flay because heâ€™d be too easy.