The Characters: Over-earnest every-guy wandering about Arby’s. And a bunch of extras. Premise: Look at me, I’m that guy who sat in the back of the Rocks for Jocks class freshman year drooling on his polo shirt and getting inappropriate boners that he showed off to his friends.  Why don’t I tell you about this [...]

[Read more →]

Every once in a while, a commercial comes along that takes Logic and slaps it across the face. It then takes Logic out back and hits in the head with a shovel. It takes all afternoon, but the commercial finally digs a deep enough grave in the woods behind the shed. The commercial then dumps [...]

[Read more →]

Have you ever heard a song that made you want to chop off your own head in a chainsaw accident?  Truvia answers that question in spades: The Characters: Two handsome caucasians. And…the fuck that is singing that song?  Make it stop. Premise: I want to eat things that will make me fat.  I will not [...]

[Read more →]

I’ve seen this commercial pop up, and it’s effective in the wrongest way a commercial could wrong.  It makes not a lick of sense. To whit: The Characters: Bieber Haircut and his buddy Gummo-Head kid.  Mother figure who is too perky to be the true mother of a rabid teenage boy with hormones to spare. [...]

[Read more →]

Hmmm…about a year ago Eick sent me some food in the mail, and I made a promise I could not keep….at the time.  I could give everyone a long-drawn-out excuse for my writing truancy…but… THE STIX BECKON. Shape and Texture: They are stix goddamn it.  Like a thick cracker cut into some stix.  Stix.  Good [...]

[Read more →]

After defending Taco Bell time and time again, they have stabbed me in the back. If there are two things that should never be combined it’s seafood with fast food, and Taco Bell has done just that with the following abomination. Some of you crazy freaks LIKE fish and tacos. Give me a break and [...]

[Read more →]

This is more of a paean to retain my sanity than a proper food post. As I perused the site yesterday I realized that Eick had posted a small blurb about 88 cent crunchwraps. My neck snapped with a double-take. The mythical crunchwrap? 88 cents? It’s obviously a ploy. A ruse. Forget the fact that [...]

[Read more →]

The extended title that drops down two lines is a metaphor for true excess of this burger. This has been covered elsewhere, but Eick sent me some coupons for free burgers and I figured my colon could take the abuse. I also picked up a large Coke and medium fries to accompany the gargantuan Angus [...]

[Read more →]

The other day whilst trudging through a wind-whipped four-degree day in Chicago, I wander past McDonald’s on my way to the grocery store.  Even in the vacuum of a negative degree wind chill, the stark aroma of McDonald’s penetrates my frozen nostrils, awakening cilia long assumed dead. It is a curious scent, one that evokes [...]

[Read more →]

A couple weeks (or months) ago Eick sent me an email asking me if I enjoyed coffee. As a grad student still working a regular job, I simply chewed on the coffee grounds I store in my cheek and answered, “Yes Eick, of course.” Baconfreak.com, the same company that brought you Bacon Floss (don’t try [...]

[Read more →]