Have you ever heard a song that made you want to chop off your own head in a chainsaw accident? Truvia answers that question in spades:
The Characters: Two handsome caucasians. And…the fuck that is singing that song? Make it stop.
Premise: I want to eat things that will make me fat. I will not go on without filling my body with sugars and fats and everything that will make my colon shudder with fear. Holy shit a new kind of fake sugar! So I can eat even more horror than before?!?! Me want!!!
The Catchphrase: Truvia – Honestly Sweet.
What the agency “pitch” probably sounded like: Okay, most people don’t really know what Truvia is. Let’s fix that. Now, what does every great commercial contain? If you didn’t say, “A song so good it makes the Beatles cry,” then you’re not in advertising, you clown. Now, what makes a great song? Familiarity? And what makes a great brand? Familiarity? See what I did there? Now, what songs are the most familiar to any human being? No, not Journey songs. Nursery rhymes. We’re thinking throw on an old-school joint on there, like “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,” and we change the words to inform people about Stevia and how it’s not sugar, but it’s a sweetener, but it’s kind of like sugar! Kind of like a musical Wikipedia article. Good? Great!
The Absurd: Never in my life have I heard a more grating version of this song, and if you’re anything like me, you’ve heard some awful versions of this sung and performed on instruments. The vocalist was instructed to sing in the “Coy Indie Songstress” style, where one sounds like a schoolgirl who swallows her vowels (see this particularly chafing Zooey Deschanel commercial for another excruciating example). Oh, and the lyrics? The lyrics:
“Twinkle twinkle little pie, you squash my will power like a fly
looks so innocent and so sweet, convince my lips that we should meet
You are a relentless flirt, OH NO, we had indecent dessert.”
Okay, I guess I can buy that, kind of. If you want to have dessert, then you should be prepared for guilt, right? Just eat it and accept the fact that you’ve made a willful decision. For the love of god, let your conscience set yourself free! Now, let’s address the rest of the lyrics:
“Twinkle Twinkle, [sic] a holla please [sic], a Stevia leaf, erased my fears
It made my will power, superhero, as for calories, it has zero
Twinkle twinkle, Truvia star, natural sweetness, I love just what you are.”
I haven’t seen sloganeering this amazing since the Cold War. Truvia is fine guys, absolutely all natural, no worries. Also, someone needs to tell me what the hell she says in that second verse. Half a piece? Huff a piece? ENUNCIATE. Dear god, a commercial based around an obnoxious song should not contain mumbling! And the actual songcraft? If you count shoe-horning as many syllables as possible into a verse and playing it off as jazzy bop stylings, then sure, it exists. How does one make their will power “superhero?” Is that supposed to be an adjective? Is that supposed to be creative license? I am at a loss.
Inane Youtube Comment That Sums Up My Point Nicely But Goes a Little Too Far in Their Criticism: “Someone fucking murder her” -momoandmiz
Proof That Truvia Has No Idea How Awful Their Commercials are:
“There is nothing I hate more than this song. All I think of when I think of Truvia is pain.”
“Asshole song implies women are retarded toddlers.”
“I HATE THIS COMMERCIAL AND THIS CHICK’S VOICE MORE THAN VIVISECTION, MAYONNAISE, OR GEORGE W. BUSH.”
“MOST ANNOYING HIPSTER SH*T EVER! AND WHO THE FUNK PUTS SWEETENER ON BERRIES?”