Are you a ketchup lover? If so, then let me be the one to break the bad news to you: your taste in condiments sucks.
In the past 30 years, nearly every other condiment has evolved, improved and diversified. But not ketchup. That’s why ketchup is the single most overrated condiment in America. As other condiments progress towards the future, ketchup is stuck in the past.
But let’s not just hate on ketchup, lets hate on the people who love ketchup.
Ketchup sucks because you, and you, and YOU put ketchup on your pasta and your eggs and your mashed potatoes. You slather everything on your plate with ketchup, perfectly content to eat the same exact substance your great-great-grandfather did.
In an article called The Ketchup Conundrum by Malcolm Gladwell, Gladwell explains how in the 70’s and 80’s, mustard, tomato sauce, and thousands of other American food products underwent a drastic transformation, providing wider choice and variety to consumers. No longer were we forced to eat only yellow mustard or only one kind of tomato sauce.
Today you can buy dozens of premium mustards - dijon mustard, honey mustard, horseradish mustard, spicy mustard, raspberry mustard…the list goes on and on. This is because people who are mustard lovers appreciate good taste, and they appreciate taste variety. For this reason, mustard lovers have embraced the improvement and diversification of their condiment.
But ketchup didn’t follow the pattern other condiments did. When you walk into the store, are there 15 different delicious ketchups for you to choose from? No, there is Hunt’s, Heinz and a store brand. No matter which you buy, it’s the same exact substance people were eating during the Hoover administration.
Ketchup lovers are stubborn, naive and have a terrible palate. So they don’t demand a better ketchup. Thinking that ketchup is fine how it’s always been is like thinking that your Commodore 64 is as good as my Playstation 2. It’s not. It sucks ass, no matter how many times you’ve set the high score in Oregon Trail.
So I say to ketchup lovers: Why would you not want to buy a more delicious or unique ketchup? Why not a premium, high-end ketchup? Garlic ketchup or spicy ketchup? A sweeter or a richer, fuller ketchup? Premium, high-end ketchups exist, but they continue to fail because ketchup lovers shut them out. Every other condiment in the world is getting better and more diverse, but not ketchup. It’s staying the same because you are too stupid to know you could be eating something better.
So consider this a call to action for all casual eaters of ketchup out there. I’m talking to those of us who think ketchup is mediocre, but squirt it on our fries because we don’t have anything better available. Every time you see someone lathering up their eggs with ketchup, spreading ketchup on their turkey sandwich or squirting a heaping mound on a slice of pizza, explain to them that they are the problem, and they need to be part of the solution.
If we all work together, we can reach a point where there are dozens of high-end ketchups in the grocery store for us to choose from. And you know who else will appreciate that? Ketchup lovers. Because right now, they’re too stupid to know what’s good for them.
Stumble it!
15 responses so far ↓
1 Doug // Aug 10, 2007 at 12:13 pm
If it ain’t broke, Eick, don’t fix it. What about the classic ketchup + Mayo sauce? If there’s anything better, I don’t want to know about it.
2 McGorty // Aug 10, 2007 at 12:33 pm
I tried the Baconator long before all its hype hit the airwaves. It instantly clogged all arteries and put me in a virtual coma for the remainder of the work day. So yes it was basically the greatest thing ever.
3 Andy // Aug 10, 2007 at 12:46 pm
I’ve been dying to get my condiment idea off the ground, but without proper motivation, funds, and the fact that Hunt’s/Heinz have cornered the market, my “HotSup” (paten pending) spicy catsup or ketchup if you prefer will never see the light of day besides when I mix Tabasco and ketchup on my plate.
4 shatraw // Aug 10, 2007 at 2:19 pm
ketchup and catsup both suck, dogs.
long live mustard. and mayo.
5 Christa (aka MoFo Jones) // Aug 11, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Hi Jon! I’m LOVING your blog - and I’m ashamed to admit that I am a ketchup lover. I put it on leftover mac-n-cheese to “spice it up a bit”. Kelt gives me copius amounts of crap about it but I just can’t help myself.
Doug, whoever you are, I couldn’t agree with you more! We lovingly refer to it as Fry Sauce on the west coast. Represent!
A coworker sent me a link to his friend’s website dedicated to writing about burritos - I thought you’d enjoy the Intestinal Apocalypse Monthly at http://www.burritoeater.com.
6 Kelt // Aug 11, 2007 at 12:43 pm
She does you know. Ever seen ketchup on mac-n-cheese? It looks exactly like 5 minutes into Saving Private Ryan.
Dean and DeLuca’s Stone Ground Mesquite & Stout Ale Mustard FTW!
7 Catch Up Lady // Aug 13, 2007 at 8:10 am
EICK, PREPARE TO DIE.
8 Mattraw // Aug 13, 2007 at 12:00 pm
I thought that BarBQ Sauce *was* fancy ketchup.
9 Jon Eick // Aug 13, 2007 at 7:52 pm
That’s a myth that needs to be put to rest. BBQ sauce is a condiment all on it’s own, with many different variations and high end varieties.
Fancy, high-end or gourmet ketchups DO exist, they’ve just never been able to break into the condiment market because ketchup lovers are committed to the classic blend.
10 Catch Up Lady // Aug 20, 2007 at 5:14 pm
By “ketchup lovers” you must mean a vast majority of the population. I’m sure if a true market segment existed for variety ketchup someone - probably Heinz - would have exploited it by now. But, all they have done is low carb and organic ketchup, which they endeavor to keep as close to the original as possible for a reason…
How can I explain it so you can understand? It’s like republicans and democrats. The two party system may blow, but no one wants Ross Perot as President…
11 Patty // Oct 11, 2007 at 3:36 pm
I hope I never get involved with you…ever… as a friend or boyfriend or coworker or as anything really. If you get this mad and insulting over Ketchup I can’t imagine what other stupid things you get mad at. I’m sorry your mommy and daddy didn’t love you and teach you different strokes for different folks but must you be that insulting? I hope you get kicked in the balls and marry a ketchup lover! I also hope a bunch of ketchup packages burst in your car and stink for a long time!!! LONG LIVE KETCHUP!!! I LOVE IT !!!
12 So Good Blog/News Round-Up 4/7/08 | So Good // Apr 7, 2008 at 5:47 pm
[...] Scheiss Weekly’s ketchup usage is troubling; reminding me of my post called Ketchup Lovers are Ruining Ketchup. [...]
13 Not Larry Sabato // Apr 30, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Patty, that was the first thoughtful thing I read on this dispicable blog post.
14 Tyler // May 5, 2008 at 2:10 pm
When they are ready to hit the market with the first big variety ketchup it will be Old Bay and Ketchup, it will be called “Ol’Chup.” That will start the new trend for ketchup lovers!
15 Chutlu // Jul 2, 2008 at 4:52 am
We Europeans have variety when it comes to Ketchup. We have Curry Kethcup, Garlic Kethcup, I’ve even seen one labeled as an African flavor (couldn’t pay me enough to try it) as well as the plain Jane variety. All made by Heinz too. There is a good reason kethcup hasn’t changed it’s ways in such a long time. You try one of the other ‘varieties’ we have over here and you’d stick with the original as well! Well, the curry one is pretty tastey on a wuerst but that’s about it.
Mustard is a FAR superior condiment in my opinion anyways.
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