If you’re anything like me, you enjoy an online existence.  Said existence involves not working, reading news, humor websites, screwing with people on 4chan, and trying not to read message boards on political sites.  We are inundated with advertisements and people propping up their causes, whether silly or not.  New memes like Failblog and LOLcats bubble to the surface, become the face of the internets and slowly drop out of our collective consciousness. Like LOLcats, bacon is on the way out, friends.

In no way am I calling for a bacon boycott.  I will still consume bacon on a semi-regular basis.

I’m just sick of the saturation.  Bacon in every food imaginable.  Bacon on t-shirts.  Bacon lube.  Bacon alternative fuel.  Bacon-replicas of famous bacon-cities and bacon-landmarks.  Bacon  has made its mark, but something occurred two days ago that made me believe that bacon is over.

Eick gives me coupons for free Taco Bell menu items, so of course my interest is piqued by whatever insane burrito/taqui/nacho creation they are featuring.  In this case, it is the blood pressure escalator New Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito. Stare at the picture.  Become mesmerized by the weird ground beef.  The strange bacon pieces.  The traditional oozing cheese, sour cream and special sauce exuding from within.

bacon cheesy potato burrito

My first bite is awful.  All potato and sour cream.  And with the second bite, I encounter something soggy, wet, and long.  I pull it out of my mouth quickly.  BACON.  Not a neat little bacon crisp as shown in the advertisements, but a terrifying microwaved bit of porkstuff that had not crisped.  It has simply gone limp, like the body of a drowning victim.

Eating an entire Bacon Cheesey Potato Burrito is possible.  One must be intoxicated, and not eating any breakfast or lunch should help.  Otherwise, you’re in a for a horrible state of being – over-full.  You know, that feeling you get after you accidentally eat a foot-long sub even though you promised your girlfriend you’d save the other half for later?  Or you eat five plates of China Buffet King just because?  Any simple task after this act of consumption terrorism is simply impossible.  It’s as if your stomach is holding your body prisoner.  And the bacon……….oh man…

I tried.  I really did.  I wanted to write a point-by-point review of this Bacon Abomination, but my taste buds and stomach told me otherwise.  I felt nauseous from eating this Taco Bell product, which is painful for me to admit.  I’ve stood by Taco Bell for years, espousing it as the greatest late-night fast food option in existence.  Sober or intoxicated, veg or non-veggie, I defended it.

Who cares if the meat has the texture of belly button lint?  Who cares if the special sauce tastes like two week old mayo left out in the sun?  Taco Bell rarely has anything on the Taco Bell secret menu too insane to try, and…well…

I BLAME BACON!!!

The internet, newsprint and food television have created a perfect storm of bacon.  If you’re a fast food chain without bacon, GOD HELP YOU.  Bloggers won’t blog about you, twitterer’s won’t tweet shit, and people still reading the newspaper will bemoan the crumbling state of newsprint rather than try your bacon-less drivel.

I demand we take back bacon by not mentioning it every five seconds when talking about food.  In ten years time, bacon should then be under-appreciated, and we can all join together and start Bacon Fad 2.0 in 2019.

But for now, thanks to massive over-exposure and Taco Bell, me and bacon won’t be speaking for a while.  If you run into bacon on the street or something, just tell him I meant to call last night.  And yeah, I’ll totally call bacon back tomorrow, it’s just that I lost my phone.  And my facebook password.  Someone poke bacon for me.

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Cary

18 Responses

  1. shatraw

    this product horrifies me. big ups for the big balls to eat it.

    also, couldn’t agree more about bacon. i remember a time that it was confined to breakfast. then it got onto burgers, which was fine. then it became the new national past time. i’m not sure how we made that leap. i blame my generation. we have so little power to influence history and we know it. so we choose to spend our time romanticizing breakfast meat instead.

    and that’s progress. delicious progress…

    Reply
  2. wouldibuyitagain

    I thought the Bacon Cheesy Burrito was pretty good. This post is hilarious, I am getting tired of bacon as well, it is everywhere. It has snuck its way on to a lot of dessert menus as well. What really bothers me is the pre cooked bacon that is outside of the refrigerator at the grocery store, what is that all about, I am not sure if that stuff is actual bacon.

    Reply
  3. Bear Silber

    Here, here!!!! I agree wholeheartedly….that’s what I been sayin’ yo. The bacon-hype bacon-fad needs to end.

    “I’ve stood by Taco Bell for years, espousing it as the greatest late-night fast food option in existence. Sober or intoxicated, veg or non-veggie, I defended it.” – I still stand by Taco Bell tall and strong, they ARE the best fast food joint…and it IS bacons fault.

    Even the MackDonald’s go into the bacon fold with their new Angus line. What’s the world coming to? You’ll notice In-N-Out don’t serve no bacon!

    Reply
  4. Skiff

    The potatoes are much more disturbing to me.

    I like bacon, but people really need to get over it.

    Reply
  5. Spam

    Cary,

    First of all, and least importantly, I’m pretty surprised it took this long for word of the Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito to reach you; it’s been out for a while, and the reviews have largely been better than I would expect.

    Clearly, the burrito you got was WAY out of the ordinary, even for that particular menu item. I’m pretty positive Taco Bell doesn’t serve anything that involves strips of bacon, and having had a couple of Bacon Cheesy Potato Burritos myself, I can attest that you should have been dealing with little pieces of well-cooked bacon (either crispy or damn close to it, but certainly not flimsy and undercooked).

    If you’re looking for the moment when bacon “has jumped the shark”, I don’t think this is it. Looks like you simply got a badly-made fast food menu item that you would have enjoyed any other day of the week. If you think you’re tired of bacon, that’s unfortunate…but don’t expect it to be over. The novelty aspect may wane after a while, but America’s newfound love of bacon is here to stay.

    Sincerely,

    Spam
    The Official Bacon Bishop of Baltimore (http://bacn.me/8qv) and the Founder of the Ministry of Bacon (http://twitter.com/MinistryOfBacon/)

    Reply
  8. shatraw

    ranch dressing is/was/will always be gross and useless. it will never reach the pantheon of idol worship bestowed upon bacon.

    i’m pretty sure anyone who was obsessed with ranch was either 1) californian 2) joking.

    Reply
  9. Eick

    Ranch does not even belong in the same sentence as bacon. That shit is fowl. Stay tuned for a new rant very soon that is a ranch take down.

    Reply
  10. rucas

    Ranch dressing is a trick to get kids to eat vegetables.

    Bacon is a yummy food, sure, but does Baltimore really need a bishop of it? How does the catholic church feel about this I wonder…

    Cay’s reviews rule. Please send him more coupons.

    Reply
  11. JamieSusan

    Yesssss! I completely agree!
    Bacon has become the obnoxious PBR drinking hipster thorn in my side. It dominates so many food blogs. I’m over it. There needs to be an avocado uprising!

    Reply
  12. J

    The bacon hype may be jumping the shark, but bacon isn’t. It’s like saying that hamburger is in the DON’T list. You can act all high and mighty, but McD’s will be around long after you’re dead. Good is good.

    Reply

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