If you’re anything like me, you enjoy an online existence.Â Said existence involves not working, reading news, humor websites, screwing with people on 4chan, and trying not to read message boards on political sites.Â We are inundated with advertisements and people propping up their causes, whether silly or not. Â New memes like Failblog and LOLcats bubble to the surface, become the face of the internets and slowly drop out of our collective consciousness. Like LOLcats, bacon is on the way out, friends.
In no way am I calling for a bacon boycott.Â I will still consume bacon on a semi-regular basis.
I’m just sick of the saturation.Â Bacon in every food imaginable.Â Bacon on t-shirts.Â Bacon lube.Â Bacon alternative fuel.Â Bacon-replicas of famous bacon-cities and bacon-landmarks.Â BaconÂ has made its mark, but something occurred two days ago that made me believe that bacon is over.
Eick gives me coupons for free Taco Bell, so of course my interest is piqued by whatever insane burrito/taqui/nacho creation they are featuring.Â In this case, it is the blood pressure escalator New Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito. Stare at the picture.Â Become mesmerized by the weird ground beef.Â The strange bacon pieces.Â The traditional oozing cheese, sour cream and special sauce exuding from within.
My first bite is awful.Â All potato and sour cream.Â And with the second bite, I encounter something soggy, wet, and long.Â I pull it out of my mouth quickly.Â BACON.Â Not a neat little bacon crisp as shown in the advertisements, but a terrifying microwaved bit of porkstuff that had not crisped.Â It has simply gone limp, like the body of a drowning victim.
Eating an entire Bacon Cheesey Potato Burrito is possible.Â One must be intoxicated, and not eating any breakfast or lunch should help.Â Otherwise, you’re in a for a horrible state of being – over-full.Â You know, that feeling you get after you accidentally eat a foot-long sub even though you promised your girlfriend you’d save the other half for later?Â Or you eat five plates of China Buffet King just because?Â Any simple task after this act of consumption terrorism is simply impossible.Â It’s as if your stomach is holding your body prisoner.Â And the bacon……….oh man…
I tried.Â I really did.Â I wanted to write a point-by-point review of this Bacon Abomination, but my taste buds and stomach told me otherwise.Â I felt nauseous from eating this Taco Bell product, which is painful for me to admit.Â I’ve stood by Taco Bell for years, espousing it as the greatest late-night fast food option in existence.Â Sober or intoxicated, veg or non-veggie, I defended it.
Who cares if the meat has the texture of belly button lint?Â Who cares if the special sauce tastes like two week old mayo left out in the sun?Â Taco Bell rarely has anything on the menu too insane to try, and…well…
I BLAME BACON!!!
The internet, newsprint and food television have created a perfect storm of bacon.Â If you’re a fast food chain without bacon, GOD HELP YOU.Â Bloggers won’t blog about you, twitterer’s won’t tweet shit, and people still reading the newspaper will bemoan the crumbling state of newsprint rather than try your bacon-less drivel.
I demand we take back bacon by not mentioning it every five seconds when talking about food.Â In ten years time, bacon should then be under-appreciated, and we can all join together and start Bacon Fad 2.0 in 2019.
But for now, thanks to massive over-exposure and Taco Bell, me and bacon won’t be speaking for a while.Â If you run into bacon on the street or something, just tell him I meant to call last night.Â And yeah, I’ll totally call bacon back tomorrow, it’s just that I lost my phone.Â And my facebook password.Â Someone poke bacon for me.