Other than a few bouts of poisoning and the occasional hardening of an artery here or there, food hasn’t done wrong by me. Sure there have been a few bumps in our relationship over the years. But for every steak cooked to death at the hands of an inept line cook or an under seasoned piece of fish served without any perceived notion of quality control, so many good memories outnumber the bad or ugly.

Foodies take this simple enjoyment of a good meal to a level far beyond what any normal diner could fathom. To them, each meal must be elevated to deity status upon consumption. To be on the same plain as a Foodie you almost have to see God with each bite. They’d probably give an arm or leg for the ability to Vulcan mind meld with a lobster crusted filet mignon in port reduction. Then analyze, photograph, tweet & post each forkful on Facebook. Foodies know more about their next meal then they do their own families.

“Keep those plates coming Mama!”

As the Foodie masses seem to be growing exponentially each day, second only to Hipsters & much to the chagrin of chefs & wait staff worldwide,  I knew there could be a very lucrative niche opportunity for creating an insanely decadent multi-course meal aimed right at this seemingly insatiable demographic of foi gras- it -alls.

What better time of year to offer up a sumptuous barrage of dishes so decadent and ridiculous no Foodie could say Non to bon appetiting the Hell out of it?

I give to you my “12 Days of Christmas Dinner” which puts a culinary spin, or reimagining if you will, on each of those famous lines in the enduring Holiday song.

A twelve course Holiday Dinner served over 12 hours, this meal would be offered only once.  It would begin at Noon on December 24th of 2012 and culminate at the stroke of Midnight.  I have already patented this meal and hold all copyrights to the concept and recipes within. Participants would be screened and must possess the ability to describe the experience of eating a piece of Melba toast in no less than 50,000 words & 80 pictures.

As I cannot legally serve Human I had to strike fresh Drummer, Pipers, Lords et al from the line-up. So I adapted accordingly.

I’ve analyzed each plate serving, taking into consideration the funds needed to procure all ingredients, bribes and manpower to achieve only the top shelf results.  All Foodies must sign a waiver that states they are to live blog about each dish with ample time provided between courses to post badly lit photos.

The cost per sitting would work out to $10,050.00. This would equate to $837.50 per course. This meal would be served upon a 120 seating table fashioned from a giant redwood tree and staged within a 100% authentic recreation of the Bethlehem Manger scene.

Here for your consideration Dear Foodie, is my masterpiece.

Twelve Drummers Drumming

Drumsticks procured from only the plumpest of free range and certified endangered peacocks are lightly dusted with a combination of gold dust, flour and cayenne pepper and plunged into a vat of boiling penguin fat. Served with a side dressing of Water Buffalo Wing Sauce and set within a basket containing shredded pages of original newspapers printed on day the Titanic sank.

Eleven Pipers Piping

We tracked down the remaining sheep that appeared in the movie “Babe” and created a trio of haggis. One stuffed with Yorkshire pudding with was made by the fellow who plays Roy on Coronation Street. The next contains an edible recreation of the script from the feature film “Trainspotting” hand written on rice paper by Monks and swimming in a mixture of curried fish and chips.  Finally the third haggis contains Spam. Which will be hand fed to you the surviving Monty Python troupe member of your choice.

Ten Lords a-Leaping

Coffee cherries consumed, then defecated by the Asian Palm Civet, are dry roasted and finely ground. A dry rub is created by combining said grinds with dried ghost peppers & cumin. Free range frogs, raised by the cast of History Channel’s “Swamp People” specifically for this dinner will be flown in that day so the legs are at their freshest. Once coated with the rub, these limbs will be flash fried in a skillet of Menthol flavor Chewing Tobacco infused Olive Oil. Finally, they are served atop of a trucker hat once worn by BJ and or the Bear.

Nine Ladies Dancing

We paid Bill Gates to work on creating a time machine so we could send Iron Chef Bobby Flay & his pet dog, dressed as Stewie and Brian from “Family Guy” back to 15th century at the court of the Duchy of Savoy at the very instant the very first tray of Lady Fingers are being taken out of the oven. Once back in 2012, they will be briskly plated while still hot and topped with a whiskey vanilla whipped cream, rum pickled cherries & 210% Ecuadorian dark chocolate drizzle.

 Eight Maids a-Milking

We pay eight Rockefeller Center Rockettes to blow off their final Christmas evening engagements so that they can milk eight lactating Egyptian Fruit Bats on site. This incredibly potent and concentrated milk is processed into one very small block of bat cheese. This is then sliced incredibly thin using a working laser on loan from George Lucas and then draped over a kumquat and served by C3-P0 (I have Anthony Daniels on retainer)

Seven Swans a-Swimming

A large ceramic bowl of consommé is wheeled out to the diners. It will be served tableside. In this broth we have essence of caviar, Kobe beef and vodka mixed with frankincense, and myrrh. Within the vessel is Black Swan actress Natalie Portman, wearing the original Princess Leia slave dress which appears in the film Return of the Jedi. She will be dispensing freshly ground Dead Sea salt and white peppercorns at upon request.

Six Geese a-Laying

We present a rich pate culled from the livers of six geese that have been fed nothing but a steady diet of Shortbread cookies and Glenfarclas 1955, 50 years old Scotch soaked fruit cake for four months. This rich offering is served with a side of saltine crackers as you watch Pauley Shore and Carrot Top dressed as Mother Goose and Daffy Duck respectively, fight to the death.

 Five Golden Rings

We take organically grown Vidalia onions, slice them thickly, submerge in eggnog wash and then dredge through a mixture of dried Italian White Alba Truffles and flour. Deep Fried in a gold plated fryer obtained from the House of Hussein auction, this course will be served to you by International Olympic Committee member Henry Kissinger as he wears the Burger King “King” mascot costume.

 Four Calling Birds

We select only the most talkative birds for this dish. In the style of a turducken, we stuff a canary inside a parrot, inside a cockatoo. Finally we insert all three into a Toucan that has been fed nothing but Fruit Loops. Wrapped in strips of veal, the Touparrcanpoo is braised in a red wine and gold leaf reduction for ten hours by Sesame Street’s Big Bird.

 Three French Hens

A trio of Hens of proven French heritage and raised solely on top of the Eiffel Tower will be fed a mixture of Matsutake mushroom (the rarest and most expensive mushroom in the World) and butter. Once the trio of birds have fattened and passed away from natural causes (high blood pressure), they are plucked and truffle oil is liberally applied. They’re then thrown in a burlap sack and buried in the country side outside Paris. A pig will be employed to sniff out this bag. Once retrieved, the hens will be stitched together ala Human Centipede, stuffed with eleven herbs and spices and then placed inside the pig that discovered them. Roasted in a charcoal pit, the dish is served with apple chutney and new potato mash.

 Two Turtle Doves

Turtles, having subsisted on a steady diet of dove for no less than one year are served in a cream and butter based broth with hints of mint, cinnamon & cloves.  Added to this rich chowder is every type of fish that appears in the Pixar animated movie “Finding Nemo”.

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree

All surviving members of the Partridge Family will reunite for one night only. They will be serving a dessert of braised pear in a cognac reduction. The pear has been stuffed with candied berries acquired from the highest peak in the Swiss Alps and tied together with strands of Donald Trump’s golden locks. Danny Bonaduce, sporting a partridge costume will sit  precariously atop a reinforced pear tree as diners are handed large slabs of Wagyu steak to throw at the unemployed actor. The person who successfully dislodges Mr. Bonaduce from his perch will be given the Guinness World Record endorsed and published distinction as Greatest Foodie in the World.

At 12:01am on the 25th you will be given one Communion Wafer adorned with a faint slice of black truffle served on a swaddled baby boy, whose birth name is Jesus (Birth certificate would be verified through my lawyers) and you’re promptly shown the door.

Merry Christmas Foodies!

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Andy

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10 Responses

  1. Mark

    Any article that pulls in a BJ and the Bear reference is a step above in my book. You also managed to elevate baby food, well done sir

    Reply
  2. evilpez4@hotmail.com'
    Andy

    Obbop, your taste in groovy 70′s sitcom sitcom queen turned sexy 80′s L.A. Law Dilf is commended.

    Cynthia, there is such a fine line between genius and madness. A thin, blue, talking line named Carl.

    Mark, I applaud all individuals who didn’t have to Wikipedia BJ & the Bear. I’d imagine Googling it without proper filters would result in some very unsavory search results.

    Sam, I started with the food & worked forward from there. I had to take some liberty in estimating the people involved and what their expected fees would be. For example Natalie Portman’s appearance fee would be roughly $100-125,000 for one hour whereas Carrot Top could be paid in cheese sandwiches. I think my 120 plate sitting @ $1.26 million total is darn pretty close.

    Reply
  3. jeoriva@hotmail.com'
    Jodi

    Love it! The bat cheese sounds marvelous. I need to catch some of the stupid mourning doves that nest in my hanging flower pots and start feeding them to my neighbor’s turtles to get a start on next year’s dinner.

    Reply

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