The Food Network could easily have its own reality show revolving around the world of tattoos. Guy “Dragonball Z hair” Fieri would roam the country in between his DD&D gig, meeting passionate food enthusiasts that were now regretting a ridiculously inept tattoo etched into their doughy flesh for eternity.

If contestants successfully complete a series of food related challenges, the producers of the show would pony up enough cash for laser removal sessions, thus erasing that deformed cartoon burrito on their neck or a tramp stamp of McDonald’s golden arches. The more regrettably horrific the tattoo, the harder the tasks.

I have the first seasons episodes all wrapped up below. No need to thank me, just green light this show, NOW!

**Warning: Beware of random butt crack.

Even an all beef patty addict like the Hamburglar would have passed on this one. I didn’t realize Burger King offered a “Visine Whopper”.

Nothing says commitment to your morning ritual then inking a full English breakfast on you scalp. Which means, those must be Head Bangers.

Nobody likes to talk about the painful Pizza Gang initiation delivery drivers must endure.

Somebody got served.

The Betty Crapper: This would be the one time nobody needed to crack a window.

Nightmare fuel.

If Hell’s Kitchen has taught me anything, it’s that besides being chain smoking enthusiasts, Chef’s sport more ink than a squid convention.

When a part of your tattoo has to explain what another part of your tattoo is: Fail

Nobody is lovin’ this.

I just went Vegan.

Rock beat scissors. Alcohol beats rational decision.

Richie and the gang never spoke about the Fonz’s one night stand with Oscar Meyer.

I can’t show you where the dipping sauce is.

I refuse to write one of KFC’s most famous slogans here.

The turf wars over the McPlayland swing set really escalated quickly.

Bacon just jumped the shark.

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