Totino’s Pizza Rolls: Fun with Narrative

I’ve seen this commercial pop up, and it’s effective in the wrongest way a commercial could wrong.  It makes not a lick of sense.

To whit:

The Characters: Bieber Haircut and his buddy Gummo-Head kid.  Mother figure who is too perky to be the true mother of a rabid teenage boy with hormones to spare.

Premise: Kids are looking in the freezer, DIRECTLY at a box of Totino’s Pizza Rolls.  And yet they call their mother for a classic white kid problem: Mom there is NOTHING to eat that is also guaranteed to destroy the toilet that I don’t have to clean because I’m 13.  The mother tells them to look at the goddamn Totino’s, you idiots.  She says this in so many words.

Catch Phrase:  Front.  Left.  Totino’s.

What the agency “pitch” probably sounded like: Alright, so there are these two kids, right?  These kids are walking lobotomies, mind you.  Shot opens on these two prepubescent voids staring directly at us…wait for it…through the freezer!  Yes THROUGH the freezer! I know….genius right? And guess what?  They’re hungry!  I know, I know, I’m almost finished.  Okay, so, they’re all “mom we’re probably dying or something” and their mom is like, “Hey, are you guys just hungry possibly and thus think you’re dying?” And then she’s all like: “Front.  Left.  Totino’s.”  Because stupid teenagers always lose things in the freezer.  And here’s what makes the spot HIGH-LARIOUS. You ready? You ready? Get this – they leave the phone INSIDE the freezer. Whaaaaaa? I know. Memorable.

The Absurd: The kids are staring at fruit in the first shot.  Looks like two types of melon, all cut up and ready to be consumed.  In the first shot, they are staring at the fruit and the mother knowingly directs them to the Pizza Rolls.  Well, at least she didn’t tell them to eat the ice cream on our left, the kid’s right.  God forbid your children eat a fucking piece of fruit. Bieber Hair is probably allergic to melon.  He would be.

Inane Youtube Comment That Sums Up My Point Nicely: “ALRIGHT, LET ME JUST PUT MY PHONE IN THE FUCKING FREEZER WHILE I COOK PIZZA ROLLS.” How high are these guys?” -Manuel Estrada

Youtube Comment MetaTroll that deserves a mention: This [sic] best part is that this is a commercial with paid actors and an actress. I know it’s hard to believe, but those types of jobs exist. I mean, I thought someone really put a video camera in someones fridge and some kids were really that stupid to not see the Totino’s. Man, once again Totino’s had me going…..You’re all idiots. You’re all acting as if you’re the survivor men, yet you’re bitching behind a computer screen. Get a hobby. -phuckmesilly7