You can’t truly fathom the bitter disappointment a Father must feel each Christmas as he unwraps sock after sock. That is until it happens to you. Maybe it doesn’t take form in a pile of argyle fail but there’s certainly always something under the tree from a relative or friend who shopped at
“I Don’t Really Know Your Interests R Us” , was inadvertently won during a drunken Ebay bidding war or was Re-Secret Santa’d so many freakin’ times it has traveled more than an Amazing Race contestant.

Now being someone who enjoys the wide world of food, there has been many an item that has made its way into my possession via good intentions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about kitsch value. I’d be the first pre-schooler at “Show and Tell” trying to top all would be challengers with some absurd item procured from by Grandparents house. However due to size constraints in my kitchen work space there is a need to vote even the most uniquely weird item off the island if there is no true functionality to it.

Sure, it’s the thought that counts but if the thought comes with the receipt? This is the scenario I prefer and helps the fake smile I flash a tad more real.

As someone who may come off with a slight case of anti-seasonal disorder I never frown on gift cards. To some receiving a gift card comes off as impersonal and may say “Do it yourself.” To me it says “Do it yourself correctly, the first time”

Here are but a few I have managed to thankfully return or re-gift over the years. A word of note: If you have received gifts from me in the past and recognize an item on this list?

Better than socks right?

Egg Cuber

Regardless of the shape it’s still going to create the same awkward moments in your office building’s elevator.

Hog Wild Twirling Spaghetti Fork

This is one of the laziest items I’ve ever received. I know it’s a gag gift but if the movie Wall-e has proven anything, this type of low impact utensil will one day be accepted by the masses before we shift to direct food enemas.

Microwave S’mores Center

Unless you can also live in fear of a random bear attack or being covered head to toe by ticks and / or poison oak, all charm is lost on a nuked glob of sugar & crackers.

Tic-Tac-Toast

I think I’ll wait for Corndog Hangman thanks.

Block Head Knife Holder

I would not be surprised if this item was co-created by someone responsible for the Saw movies.

The Easy Pour Bottle Holder

If the Mountain Dew ain’t rockin’, Come on knockin’! This item is the official poster child for Landfills.

Condiment Gun

Be careful with this device. I accidentally loaded mine up with Spicy Mustard instead of French’s at an office BBQ. I was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. Jim in accounting lost an eye.

Pizza Scissor Server Tool

Hey there! Pizza Cutter and Spatula just called. They wanted to let you know there’s only one tool in this scenario. That being the chump who bought this waste of utensil drawer space.

Voodoo Toothpick Dude

From the Final Destination line of Kitchen Gadgets.

Doggie Butt Dish Towel Holder

The instructions are even more disturbing than the concept.

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6 Responses

  1. Sarah

    The toothpick dude is kinda cute – perhaps high maintenance for toothpick dispensing though

    Reply
  2. Shannon

    What’s wrong with you? Some of those are pretty occult. What would make someone think that you would enjoy those?

    Reply
  3. Andy

    I know right?! The temptation to make Devilled Eggs using that Cuber was just too much for me. I had to put it up on Craigslist pronto!

    Reply

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