If you woke up yesterday morning, still harboring a mini Snickers hangover, you may have noticed something odd amongst some of your male co-workers appearance.

Had aliens come to earth and began liberating facial hair for some type of extraterrestrial experiment for Mars? Is there some type of burgeoning cult that demands its growing legions to be clean shaven in preparation for Purple Kool-Aid rapture?

No my friends, something less sinister has occurred. Men across the World have raised their razors in solidarity and freed their whiskers and stubble in the name of charity.

Movember is upon us!

“During November each year, Movember is responsible for the sprouting of moustaches on thousands of men’s faces, in North America and around the world. With their “Mo’s”, these men raise vital funds and awareness for men’s health, specifically prostate cancer.”

This is my second year donning the baby butt smooth appearance on November 1st. Last year I had one main problem as the days progressed and the hair began its pilgrimage back onto my mug. Who do I use as a role model when it came to sculpting the sprouting ‘stache without ending up sporting a really bad 70’s porn look? Oddly enough women and employers both openly frown on the “Ron Jeremy”.

Last year the obvious choice was the Tom Selleck. However I did not own a cool sports car nor was I licensed to call myself a private investigator. I also don’t live anywhere near Hawaii. (You younger readers will have to Wikipedia Magnum P.I. to get these references).

As a So Good contributor I thought it might be a novel idea to pick a Food Spokesman as my inspiration. There are so many interesting characters sporting awesome ‘staches in the world of product pitching. As my freshly mowed maw is currently fertile land begging for direction I submit to you my choices.

Colonel Sanders:

If I go this direction I would have to find a tailor who could sew me the finest white suit made of cotton. I would also get to carry a cane fashioned for only the most worthy Southern gentlemen. Also all poultry would fear me. I could write new commandments for chickens and they would obey me without question. All of this would stem from me being drunk off Mint Juleps all the time.”

Pringles Dude: Part of me likes this look. The other part of me reminds me of the time I spent three hours in the emergency room as an orderly tried to get that can off my hand.


Captain Crunch: It’s a full moustache indeed. Plus the nautical theme never gets old. As long as I keep it neat and trimmed and not go the greasy free for all route like Johnny Depp in those pirate movies. I would be the talk of the town. Although most will agree that you don’t often see Captain Crunch on a boat. What is he a Captain of? If he is in charge of overseeing the roof of my mouth getting ripped to shreds after a bowl of Crunch then he is certainly doing his job.

Chef Boyardee: There are tons of Italian cooks that proudly represent their country & food but none more regal and jovial then that man who gave us such culinary feats as Beefaroni and Rollercoasters. Nobody knows how to rock a stache and neckerchief like my boy Dee. This type of facial topiary salute would ensure I was the toast of latch key kids and stoned college freshmen.

Captain Crook: Not many people remember Captain Crook. He is a long forgotten McDonaldland citizen that pimped Filet o Fishes to the masses. Crook definitely has an HR PufnStuf look to him and would’ve made a worthy suitor for Witchiepoo. He’s the kind of obscure character  that Tim Burton would cast Johnny Depp to play in a film. Plus his mustache is quite long. That’s a lot of work for saluting someone that only Patton Oswald or Dennis Miller would reference in their stand-up routine.

As you can see I have many superb choices to consider. Please feel free to leave a comment on which one you think is the best way to go and will yield the most looks and donations for this Movember! Any other food related mustache sporting spokesmen I have neglected to consider?

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6 Responses

    • Andy

      The rumor has been that Brimley could never visit Sea World in fear he would be corralled into performing beside Shamu and a trio of lethargic horn playing seals. Also his mustache is in fact 65% crusty oatmeal.

    • Andy

      Thanks for the kudos Joe. I am doubtful I can achieve the stately bushiness of Crunch’s look. I would probably have to buy some type of black market reverse “For Men Only” kit to achieve that polar white lip rug.

    • Andy

      Hey Peter. If I could get away with the sweet, sweet 70’s Porn ‘stache appearance at work I would do it. Now that you mention it, this is the one time a year where I could swing it in the name of charity. Anyone denying me my God given right to grow my mo’ for a great cause would come off looking like a monster. You sir have inspired me. Now I must seek out some tight slacks & satin shirts.


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