Snap Judgement: Mega Mighty Bites

While watching a fantastic Law & Order: SVU Marathon last Sunday, a  commercial appears.  Two children conspire to make their mother buy them the new Mega Mighty Bites.  They employ the fantastic reverse psychology method to stunning effect, as Mommy scurries out assuring the children they will have no choice but to eat the Mega Mighty Bites she is purchasing.

Now, what dare I ask are Mega Mighty Bites?

When I consult their wonderful website, I am told there isn’t any Trans Fat in MMB’s.  Also, it’s made of all white chicken.  That great!  You see, according to the commercial, Mega Mighty Bites are:

“Fully cooked all-white-meat-chicken stuffed with four wholesome fillings, such as cheeseburger, pepperoni or cheese pizza.”

So, we know that there is chicken, and not the evil dark chicken of legend.   Beyond that, I don’t know the sodium count, the caloric intake or anything at all in terms of nutritional value.  I hate to split hairs, but if you claim to provide nutritional information and then provide none, I’m going to raise a red flag of, “This product is probably not good for you.”  As far as I know, the chicken is filled with styrofoam and bits of rubber.

Now, let’s wrap our minds around eating a stuffed chicken product.  Good lord.  Imagine eating chicken and pizza simultaneously.  Or, the even more repulsive chicken and cheeseburger combo.  The prospect of that sounds overwhelming, if not completely nausea-inducing.

This is not to say I don’t enjoy the occasional stuffed mushroom or pepper.  Stuffed vegetables are incredible (and usually terrible for you), and a decent turducken would at least be fascinating to consume.  Mega Mighty Bites, however, are not fresh vegetables or meats.  This is a shredded chicken nugget filled with tomato sauce and weird chunks of either beef chuck or pepperoni bits, as well as cheese.  And it is chock full of preservatives and other ungodly acts of nature.  I wish I could defend these Mega Mighty Bites, but I simply have no idea what they’re made of.

This product asks us to imagine a world where Hot Pockets are so yesterday.  It pushes the envelope from “Barely Edible Lazy Fat Food” to “Holy Shit I’m Eating This For Novelty Purposes,” and it does so in stunning fashion.

Perhaps I will expose myself to this bastard of nature soon.  Perhaps I will one day pull a bag (yes, they come in a bag!) of Mega Mighty Bites out of my freezer and use their super catchy slogan, “Three minutes from freezer to face!”

Hopefully, it won’t be my face doing the eating.