Human beings are territorial creatures.Â Always have been.Â Which leads me to my next point:Â YOUR PIZZA IS AWFUL.Â No, really, I don’t like the pizza where you’re from.Â Be it New York City, Denver, Los Angeles, it’s not my pizza.Â It’s yours and it’s terrible.
(Photo via Dan Perlman)
How do you feel, reader?Â Angry?Â Hurt?Â Kind of fat when you think about how much pizza you’ve consumed?Â Well, you’re not alone.Â Since the dawn of pizza (or time, whichever came first), people have made it their business to proclaim their regional pizza the greatest in the world of worlds.Â A lot of this amounts to pride in their hometown, which isn’t a foreign concept to me.Â Growing up in upstate New York, outside of Utica, I ate two kinds of pizzas: circular thin pies and thicker square pies.Â I naturally gravitate towards the former, probably because I don’t feel bloated after two slices of the thick pie.
When I lived in NYC, I worked near an amazing shop called Koronet that had GIANT slices for a buck fifty.Â That’s not bad when you’re broke as shit out of college.Â Now I live in Chicago, and although the allure of a thin slice of pizza exists, it is a dream not made for this reality.Â Getting pizza by-the-slice in Chicago is a rare thing.Â Not an impossibility.Â But people prefer getting a pie, and I can’t say I haven’t conformed my taste to Chicago’s style.
I haven’t been to California yet, but I’m sure I’ll hate their pizza.Â Freaking pear on pizza?Â If I want pears, I’ll eat a goddamn pear.Â If I want pizza, I’ll be as close-minded as I damn well please about it.Â Give me meat or veggies on that pizza, preferably both please.Â Otherwise, get your terrible Wolfgang Puck-endorsed toppings out of my personal space.
Ah, that felt great.Â Now I would like to give So Good readers the chance to do the same.Â Vote on your favorite regional pizza, and use the comments to either lambaste someone else’s pizza, trumpet your own pizza’s superiority, or just criticize me!Â Fun for all ages!Â Also, make sure to watch the results.Â I will be insulted if California-style beats Chicago or New York.Â California, consider yourself pwned.
NYC Pizza – giant tombstone slabs with a minimal amount of sauce and cheese.Â They are giant and cheap, and they usually come by the slice.
Chicago Deep Dish Pizza – a true goliath that starts with crust, then finishes with cheese, toppings and sauce in that order.Â More of a casserole than pizza to some, heaven to others.
California-Style Pizza – usually akin to NYC pizza, but with hilariously off-beat toppings like pear and Gorgonzola or Mango Tandoori.
Sicilian Pizza – popular in the aforementioned Utica, NY, this pizza has the same cheese-first-sauce-on-top approach of Chicago, although it employs pecorini cheese with anchovies or endives.
New Haven-Style Apizza – weird New England pizza, oh, excuse me: apizza.Â That’s not a typo, even though the spell-checker tells me it is.Â They call it apizza, and sometimes they don’t even put cheese on it.Â SACRILEGE.Â It’s essentially NYC-style thin crust, sometimes served with clams.
St. Louis-Style Pizza – yeast-less-thin-crust pizza that is crispy like a cracker, sweet Sicilian-influenced sauce and an interesting choice for cheese: the tangy Provel.Â Cut into squares they refer to as “Party Cut.”Â Yeah, I’m giggling too.