Apparently, things haven’t been gross enough the past few weeks.
While the goal of this column is not to see how much disgusting food I can consume, I do consider myself a woman of the people. People want gross, I will give them gross.
This one is a reader request. When I contract some sort of weird auto immune deficiency or grow a goiter ten years from now, I know I will have Peeparazzo to blame. I am not 100% convinced this isn’t going to have some sort of long lasting health effect on me. Damn you, Peep, for making me eat this Creamy Salsa…I shall never forgive you.
Smell: Oh, for the LOVE OF GOD. Upon popping the lid off this jar, you are immediately struck with a repugnant smell. Words cannot even describe how truly horrific it is, but I shall try. I subjected my friend FoxyMoron to to this taste testing fiasco. As soon as the jar popped open he suppressed a gag and declared that this “smelled like garbage”. I asserted that it smelled “like garbage at 4 am in an ally”. The scent was truly stomach turning. It smells like shattered dreams and dimmed rainbows.
Appearance/Texture: Look, I am not even going to sugar coat this… You know how when a cat hoarks up a hairball? And there is all that milky stuff around it? It looks like that, with a pink hue. Enough said.
Texture? Bad. Filmy. NOT GOOD. Do not put this in your mouth.
Taste: The taste was the “best” part of this. When I say “best”, I mean the least gag-inducingly horrible. Seeing as the label says “contains milk product”, I feel it could be much worse. Milk product!? That actually makes sense because it is reminiscent of salsa with cremora stirred in. It ain’t milk, but it sure is milky…kinda sorta.
Final verdict: I think the comparison to cat puke says it all. The smell and appearance alone is enough to make any sane and reasonable individual stop. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Run for your life. I implore you.
Lemmonex writes almost daily about food, life, and the unbearable burden of being her at her blog, Culinary Couture.