When I was a little girl, I would beg my mother to buy me Lunchables. All the cool kids had them and I wanted to be part of the cool crowd. (I was decidedly not cool.) She always refused, asserting they were disgusting and unhealthy. Well, now that I am an adult, I decided to take matters in to my own hands. There is no one to stop me from putting toxic things in to my body, and I was set on doing just that.
Smell: A faint smell of wet cardboard wafts from the packaging. It is not intense, but it is definitely there. It in no way prepares you for what is about to come.
Texture/Appearance: The first thing I noticed was the lack of a plastic knife or any sort of spreading implement for the sauce and chocolate frosting. I am a resourceful person, being a grown up and all, and pulled out a knife to spread my sauces. But a 6-year-old? I imagine them making a huge mess with this and some poor lunch lady (meal technician? is “lunch lady” PC?) having to clean up chocolate smears all over a cafeteria table. The texture of the pizza “crusts” is spongey. The frosting for the chocolate pizza has more of a pudding feel.
Taste: Oh, where to begin? A friend called this “cancer in a box” and I could not agree more. The crusts taste like stale pita bread. Actually, it tastes like stale pita bread that was wet at one point and was then set in the sun to dry for a week. The sauce is oddly spicy, which I don’t think would appeal to kids, yet lacking any authentic tomato flavor.Â Certainly the sauce was formulated with the concept of tomatoes in mind, but it doesn’t hit the mark of actually tasting like real tomatoes. The cheese for the pizza had the lovely essence of mold.
The chocolate frosting for the “dessert” pizza was pudding-like not only in texture, but also taste. The candy coated chocolate pellets were superfluous and oddly bland. (Also, who sends actual candy in their kid’s school lunch? One may be able to argue fruit snacks are candy, but at least a parent can convince themselves there is some fruit in there.)
The Capri Sun, of the fruit punch variety in my Lunchable, was admittedly delicious in a gross, super sugary way. On an embarrassing personal note…at the age of 27, I still was unable to stick my straw correctly into the pouch and ended up with a lovely fruit punch splatter pattern on my t-shirt.
Final verdict: Well, turns out my mom actually loves me. She was saving me from a horrific food crime, following her maternal instincts to protect my palette, as well as my young and sensitive digestive track. This was repulsive, a culinary horror show of epic proportions. I cannot believe people feed this to their children. I would not give this to my enemy, let alone my offspring. Is it that hard to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I would only make my kid eat this as punishment; this is ten times worse than a time out.
Lemmonex writes almost daily about food, life and her very special feelings on her blog, Culinary Couture.