I grew up in lily white New England. My first introduction to anything vaguely ethnic was Chicken Fried Rice at the age of 13. By the end of middle school, I had expanded my horizons and moved up to the fun and exciting menu of Taco Bell. I’ve come a long way, baby, but I have to admit, the Goya section of the store sometimes bewitches me with its cloak of mystery. When I saw this “Cola Champagne”, I had to try it.

Smell: I popped the cap off and was greeted by a cloyingly sweet smell. It was super synthetic, which makes sense as the last time I checked, “Cola Champagne” actually doesn’t occur in nature. It reminded me of pixie stick dust.

Texture/Appearance: It’s cold and wet, as any soda should be. The color is a pale orange, less like the bright color of orange soda and more like the slightly more subdued orange hue of Hi-C.

Taste: OK, I need you to stick with me here. At first, I thought “Cream Soda mixed with Smarties”. Upon a second try, I have decided it is more like Birch Beer with Sprees. Birch beer is a touch milder than cream soda, and the undertones of this drink are not nearly as potent as the full frontal candy-like sugar assault that hits your palette like a ton of bricks. I think we can all agree the Sprees are more sugary than it’s tart cousin, Smarties, so I picked Sprees as the dominant flavor, and I am sticking to it. I am sure Sweet Tart comparisons could come in to play here as well, but I have already expended far too much mental energy on this.

Final Verdict: What I haven’t mentioned yet is, even though I knew better, I was kind of hoping this was alcoholic. Milller has me brainwashed with their High Life “Champagne of Beers” campaign. Alcoholic cola? Sign me up! Alas, it was not to be. I don’t think I will be imbibing in this on the regular; I took about 4 sips and it was a sugar overload. I swear if I drank the whole bottle, my teeth would instantly crumble out of my mouth. Goya Cola Champagne: NO ME GUSTA!

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Lemmonex writes almost daily about food, life and her most recent dumb decisions on her blog, Culinary Couture.