This is Way Less Cool Than People Think

Gizmodo, Boing-Boing, Serious Eats and other bloggers are currently engaged in a massive wankfest over the “Col-Pop”, a cup that holds your chicken nuggets AND your soda simultaneously.

“Awesome, now my soda is 33% smaller than what it would normally be.”

In a video from Serious Eats, they say that with this device the “portability snack factor is off the charts.” Ok. That may be true. But for whom is this level of portability really necessary? Well let’s see. If you are a one-armed man who is constantly running, walking or on the move, then this product is ideally suited to you. Anyone else using it probably doesn’t need it, they are just fat or lazy. This product is not needed by 99.99% of the population. However, I imagine it would be extremely useful for the real killer from The Fugitive.

“When I came home there was a man in my house! Since he left behind a Col-Pop, I know he must be either extremely lazy or have one arm. You find that man!”

I’m sure it will be argued that this device satisfies “consumer demand.” Right. Because when I’m drinking an ice cold soda, I always say to myself: “hey, you know what would make this soda taste better? If there was something piping hot right next to it so that it immediately makes the soda lukewarm and watery.” And do you know what I usually say when eating popcorn chicken? “Wow, this chicken is nice and crunchy, but I wish there was someway I could put something cold and moist underneath it so it would become more soggy.”

I also object because this device forces you to drink out of a straw, which some people (me) find to be an inferior way in which to consume soda. Even when I get soda at a McDonald’s drive-thru, I will take off the lid and sip my soda – even while driving. What am I supposed to do with this?

So I say lets put an end to this wankfest immediately. These are the kind of creations that warrant a collective punch in the face from society. If no one else wants to stand up and say this is moronic, then gosh darn it, I guess I will.

If you haven’t gotten enough yet, check out the video of the Col-Pop in action: