A long time ago, in a deep fryer far, far away, McDonald’s used to plunge their apple & cherry pies into scalding hot vats of fat, delivering a crispy, dough blistering bundle of Jenny Craig defeating joy.

The “Catch 22” to these sweet, after Quarter Pounder treats was the ever present potential the fruity lava innards would Pompei the shit out of your tongue upon first contact. Although, many consider it a small price to pay to enjoy the finest fast food dessert snack ever offered.

Now we are left with doughy, heavy, often sandy textured blocks that brings grown fried apple pie purists to tears. It’s awkward eating your twenty McNugget meal next to a balding middle aged man, hunched over his red plastic serving tray, sobbing as he shovels these poor excuse into his quivering mouth. I had to ask them to turn up the Musak.

Since there doesn’t seem to be a reprieve for deep fried dessert shenanigans at McDonald’s they have instead release numerous seasonal or themed fillings in hope of temporarily making the consumer forget about the void missing in their nostalgic pumping heart.

Peach, S’mores, Strawberry Creme and Oreos have all been stuffed into a pastry shell & flash frozen before making their journey to your salivating maw. 

Taco Bell still deeps fries their Apple Empanada. Not surprising, considering this is the same chain that serves up a mixture of Mountain Dew & orange juice for their breakfast menu. There’s even a site dedicated to tracking down restaurants that offer up something close to


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