I’m not an easy person to buy Christmas gifts for. During my teen years, I could instantly transform any joy my Mother hoped to receive by watching me open a thoughtfully selected gift, into absolute horror, as I conveyed disgust and contempt for said present  via an array of over the top, disgruntled facial contortions. After awhile she gave up, surrendering to the impersonal albeit safe world of gift certificates.

Some people are notoriously hard to shop for, since  in the majority of  cases, the fault lies solely with the recipient, who continually puts off offering up suggestions or taking the time to provide a list.  This year, I’m not taking any chances. Here is  my top 12 wanted food geek related wish list.

I just sent my Mom the link.

Maybe one of the most illogical Trek tie ins, however true fans of the original series will buy just about anything, especially if they can haul it out at Christmas and technically call it a decoration, much to their spouses dismay.

“We’re gonna need a bigger cup”. If you’re going to get all Downton Abbey fancy with your tea serving, why not combine your love of the “Jaws” movies and man it up a few notches?

Sure you can justify buying vacuum packed cans of fully cooked bacon by saying you’re stockpiling in  preparation for the impending zombie apocalypse. However, take it from me, this argument is soundly lost when your better half catches you on your fourth can while watching a “Here comes Honey Boo Boo” marathon.

If you’re going to commit blasphemy and slowly water down that 1955 Glenfarclas, do so by saluting one of Science Fiction’s manliest of men.

I like my cookies to put up a fight before I break off their limbs or decapitate them slowly via milk dunk torture.

Now you’re able to personalize cookies with these sweet silicone baking stamps. Proving once and for all the sugar cookies you brought to the Church charity sale are homegrown. In your face Sister Joan!

CHEESEBURGER BED SET

I can has cheezburger duvet?

The closest thing to the Mayan apocalypse happening would be the fall of Hostess. Fear not, as you can produce Twinkies in the comfort of your home and sell bags of them on Craigslist to pot heads and snack cake junkies alike.

I finally gave up on bringing my lunch into work after someone took the time to microwave my last Hot Pocket, ate half of it and then put it back in the box. With the fridge locker, I finally have piece of mind, at least until someone brings in their bolt cutters.

I’d cherish this gift, even if it does slightly remind me of Howie Mandel’s early stand-up career, which was worse than lactose intolerance.

Still waiting on a “Portal” bundt cake mold.

Deep fried wiener is the new pine.