If a kid waddles eight blocks, wearing a horrible, motion constricting Halloween costume comprised of his dead Grandmother’s clothes, high heels and a few strategically placed pillows, the least you can do is pony up some decent candy when he comes a knocking.

And before you start patting yourself on the back for not giving out raisins or apples, because let’s face it, you’re more concerned about potential property damage than the healthiness of your treats, a small bag of plain Lays should be considered a slap in the face to somebody who spent month in their garage fashioning an Iron Man costume out of aluminum pie trays.

When distributing candy this year, be sure to set aside a “reserve” of goodies to be handed out to only the best dressed door ringers. There’s no justice in this world if a 7 years old in a full articulated Dino-bot costume gets the same treat as a slack jawed teenager wearing a garbage bag.

Here are a few worthy treats for the worthiest of porch visitors!

Chef Ghoulicious, the  devilish purveyor of disgusting gummi wares always knows just what the kids wants. That being grotesque bodily fluid focused treats. The fact you get to pop these sugary blemishes before devouring, is icing on the pock marked cake.

Other than painted up gumballs, you don’t really see many eyeball themed sweets around. Stick a fork in these suckers and voila; portable creepy candy goodness. These beauties remind me of that scene in Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn.

 

What kids wouldn’t want to scarf down candy kibble from a miniature dog bowl? Just add your favorite carbonated beverage for some sugar high gravy!

All the cool kids at school will be eating body part gummi sushi in the cafeteria on November 1st.

Mmmmm, eye pie.

According to its maker, the original Energy Potion Blood Bag on the right has the “color, consistency, and nutritional profile of actual blood,” well, except for the added caffeine and the fact it tastes like fruit punch. The zombie blood bag supposedly tastes of lime or Shane from the Walking Dead.

Snottermelon, sour green boogy, and lemon logy comprise this box of mucus gummis. These are so tasty, no kid in their right mind will want to stick these under their desk!

Who wouldn’t want a mouthful of something that resembles dryer lint or a ball of hair recently hawked up by their pet tabby? I think they fashion Oompa Loompa toupees out of this stuff.

It’s obvious PETA does not monitor Halloween candy.

Grave Grabbers Gummy Hands: Edible, severed fists of delicious fury. Gnaw off a digit as a snack, or make a meal out of the entire thing. Is there nothing gummi mad scientists can’t do?

In the Mouth of Gummi Madness! I am sure the middle one is a big hit with Hentai fans.


Urine for a big surprise when you open up one of the Pee Candy Cups!

Nothing gets rid of the taste from 15 snack pack bags of Cool Ranch like a minty maggot!

While I applaud Hubba Bubba for  everything this stands for, I must  deduct points because it’s not white, thus denying the child from wrapping his entire head in gum as to resemble one of the greatest slow moving movie monsters of all time.

I don’t think there’s a Season now that doesn’t have a defecating animal candy dispenser tie in.

Novelty plastic vampire fangs are always a classic. This offering ups the ante by including a blood bag filled with liquid candy plasma which encourages you to take a big bite & reap the sweet splattered rewards! To a kid at 7pm on Halloween night, it’s Dinner and a show!

Sure a mini Kit-Kat is an acceptable item to find at the bottom of your trick or treat pillow case, but go that extra mile with the neon orange chocolate version. Truly, the Holy Grail of Halloween chocolate bars.

BONUS ITEM: CHRISTIAN CORN!

Yes that’s right, not only do you get a bag of candy corn (shudder) BUT also scripture on every bag! It’s like a fortune cookie for Catholics. Also perfect for when Jehovah Witness come knocking year round. I always feel bad when they hand me a pamphlet and I have nothing to give back. Problem solved! Praise Jesus Harvest Seeds!

*Many thanks to Dracula Dinosaur, its predecessor X-Entertainment and I-Mockery for some of these gems! Excellent sites that will help get you in the spirits!

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Andy

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