Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
It’s Thanksgiving. The family is seated around the table, forks at the ready and plates crammed high with blocks of food like some organic parody of Tetris. The kids, having smeared their faces with mashed potatoes, are toddling around the living room. Football announcers on TV are just finishing up the six hours of pregame material. Dear old granny (the same one who still believes Christmas isn’t about the presents and giant milk chocolate bunnies aren’t the driving force behind Easter celebrations) has unwisely chosen to begin dinner eight minutes before kickoff. Dad and Uncle Jerry sit across from each other, eyes locked in mutual understanding. As they strain to catch snatches of the TV officials’ words between lines of prayer, each plans out how they will maximize their time, utensils, and eating techniques in the most efficient way possible so as to finish that plate of food, get to the couch, and experience the true meaning of Thanksgiving.
The “Amen” sounds, and they’re off!
While all the ignorant peons were socializing before dinner, Dad took the time to arrange his food in neat piles around his plate. Now he expertly dispatches a mound of corn, gives the plate a quarter turn, and goes to work on the mashed potatoes. He continues around this food carousel with calculated speed, occasionally greasing the wheels with a splash of gravy or pat of butter.
Uncle Jerry uses a unique, though equally effective, tactic. He piles stuffing and a hunk of turkey onto half a dinner roll smeared with cranberry sauce, topping the assemblage with the other half of the dinner roll. Employing his fork as a containing wall, he lifts the sandwich to his mouth and takes a giant bite. When grandma protests with warnings of heartburn, Uncle Jerry (demonstrating the benefits of pre-dinner Wikipedia research) contends he was inspired by Capriotti’s gourmet “Bobbie”—a nationally-recognized sandwich creation. Grandma, a Food Network addict, is powerless to stop him.
How would you put away those Thanksgiving meals in record time, So Good readers? Do you take Dad’s around-the-world approach, capturing the taste of each individual item unmarred by the surrounding side dishes? Or do you, like Uncle Jerry, take advantage of the variety of food to construct impromptu and inspired dinner roll sandwiches?
Are you Dad or Uncle Jerry?

Who best matches your Thanksgiving eating technique?

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My name is Sam and all I care about is food.

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3 Responses

  1. ihavenames@gmail.com'

    I like having multiple things on the fork, but cranberry sauce can’t get on anything else. It’s too distracting. So I keep it to the side and use it mostly as a palate-cleanser.

  2. superiorpromosinc@gmail.com'

    I am like Dad. I never move on to another item until the one I am working on is gone. It is strange to me when people make Thanksgiving casseroles out of all the dishes, and equally strange when people just bounce from dish to dish… By the way, I love Thanksgiving… Happy Thanksgiving to you!


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