Big kudos go out to Capital Spice, who correctly guessed in January that Folkman was slated to be a competitor in the upcoming Next Food Network Star season.

Folkman has already achieved a small degree of fame on The Food Network, after he was challenged to a Mussels competition last summer for Throwdown with Bobby Flay.   Washingtonian interviewed Folkman about the competition and how he used his moules fromage bleu to defeat Flay. (Also check out video of Folkman walking you through his winning recipe).

The other 9  finalists include: Brett August (Washington Heights, N.Y.), Katie Cavuto (Philadelphia, Pa.), Melissa d’Arabian (Keller, Texas),  Eddie Gilbert (Manhattan Beach, Calif.), Jen Isham (Orlando, Fla.), Debbie Lee (West Hollywood, Calif.), Jamika Pessoa (Atlanta, Ga.), Michael Proietti (New York, N.Y.) and Jeffrey Saad (Los Angeles, Calif.).

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Premise: Four chefs of varying backgrounds (head, sous, nutritionist, amateur) battle..to not…get chopped.  They create a 3-course meal, and after every course someone get eliminated.  For every  30 minute round, disparate foods and food products are placed in a basket, and the chefs are asked to incorporate all of the items into the course.  The judges then decide whose is terrible and who isn’t.  Whoever doesn’t get chopped wins a smooth 10,000 dollars.  Did you notice how long it took me to explain the premise.  It takes them twice as long to do it on the show.  Woof.

Tagline: “You have been chopped.”  Ugh.  UGH.  At least we don’t get bad punnery with Top Chef.

Ted Allen as host: Sorry, I don’t buy it.  For some reason, he comes off as…well…strange.  While trying to inject some kind of tension into the show, his voice takes on a stern, automaton-like rhythm.  He falls prey to the Food Network Syndrome championing wholesome over interesting.  Sad thing is, I used to really like him on Top Chef and QEFTSG (don’t make me break down that acronym).

Judges: This is where Top Chef and Chopped begin to differ.  For every single episode of Chopped, there is a new panel of celebrity chef judges.  The episode I watched featured chef/internet talking head/Top Chef guest judge Scott Conant, chef Amanda Freitag, and NYC chef Geoffrey Zakarian.  Not a bad cast of characters whatsoever (although I could do without the “I’m listening to myself speak on TV” Conant), but the fact that they are immediately rotated out after this show is disappointing.  Who am I supposed to get to know?  The only thing that draws one to competition-based reality TV are the relationships between viewer and cast.  You’re with these people for weeks, and you feel their pain/experience the joy vicariously.  How else could anyone explain this behavior?

Contestants: This is the kind of show that makes me wonder how many times the show will reference itself.  How many times will a contestant turn to the camera and say, “Only 30 minutes?  This is impossible!”  We know it’s impossible, hence the “challenge” set-up.  Couldn’t the producers/editors find anything compelling?  I heard this twice last night: “I don’t want to be chopped!”  We know, that’s the whole point of the show.  Like the judges, there is little to no connection to these contestants.  You get to know them and *BOOM* they get CHOPPED.  POW!!!  Say goodbye, guy who couldn’t find a way to incorporate bananas with bacon and wontons.  Boo yah guy who put salt in a plum cake instead of sugar (WTF?!)!  Without any kind of formed relationships, this show is just an exercise in sucker-punching.

Baffling Network Incest: When watching my episode of Chopped, I noticed that one of the contestants was Einat Admony.  Which is strange.  Because she was featured on Bobby Flay’s Throwdown recently.  Why is she suddenly back in a contest for 10,000 dollars?  She beat Flay in a Throwdown, so isn’t it a given that she’ll murder her opponents and win the money?  Sounds fishy to me.

Music: Definitely stock material, can’t hold a candle to Top Chef’s drum n’ bass bubble.  Not to say they don’t try to emulate (or even directly copy) the style though.  Any reality competition show on Bravo uses cymbal and percussion strikes to enhance tension.  Once again, Food Network cribs those very flourishes.  Not.  Cool.

The Verdict: F is for FAIL.  The show’s utter lack of originality hurts it.  Making the contestants stand in the back room while the judges confer is just embarrassing.  It follows Top Chef’s formula shot-for-shot at times, and makes me wonder what Food Network’s future holds.  I’ll watch Ace of Cakes and Alton Brown material, but most of their new programming comes off as cloying or a direct rip-off.   It’s been a strange chain: Jacques Pepin and Julia Child begat the Food Network.  The Food Network begat Bravo’s and Travel Channel’s food shows, and now…well, we have Chopped and Ultimate Recipe Showdown.  Chopped just doesn’t measure up.  It leaves a bad taste in the mouth.  Chopped is the margerine to Top Chef’s butter.  Alright, that’s about as much terrible retributive word play I can dole out on a given day.

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1. Guy Fieri

Show and Premise: Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.  Guy Fieri (pronounced with extra Italian emphasis) showcases awesome eateries all over the U.S.  Great premise.

My Problem: My brother loves this guy, but anyone could do his job.  Here’s an idea: Why don’t we pluck Andy Rooney off of his old person’s couch.  You know, that ancient guy who wears glasses and is SALTY AS FUCK.  Let’s bring him to awesome diners, drive-ins and dives all over the country.  This would make insanely great television.  Who doesn’t want to see an old man muttering and trying to eat giant burgers while trying to suppress his “quiet” racism when forced to eat Mexican food?

Instead, we have a Van’s Warped Tour reject wandering around eating things.  This is considered entertainment.  His food criticism is terrifying.  This is probably the part of the show that makes me want to put my skinny white fist right through screen the most.  “Awesome.”  “Wow.  Wow.”  “This is great.”  “This is awesome.”  Thanks Guy, thank you for your insight.

My Solution: Shoot Guy Fieri out of a canon into outer space.  Replace him with either Rooney or a morbidly obese 14-year-old.

2. Mario Batali

Show and premise: Molto Mario and Iron Chef America.  Alright, I know that the show was canceled in 2004.  But it was done for a reason.  I loves me some Iron Chef, but tend to gravitate towards the classic version with AWFUL voice-over work.

My Problem: Pompous, terrible sense of humor, and the real nail in the coffin: He makes me agree with Mo Rocca.  I hate Mo Rocca, but apparently we both hate the fact that Mario wears Crocs.  I dislike Crocs footwear more than Mario, so it’s a deadly combination.

Let’s not forget his descriptions of food.  When creating a simple lasagna, you get this crammed into your ear-hole: “This is no simple ricotta.  No, this is prepared in the Southern-most tip of a’Italy, where the women were without proper cheese cloths.  In order to separate the curds from the whey, they would…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…Look, I like to learn about regional cooking, but not by a guy so in love with his own voice.  This problem is especially evident in Iron Chef, where it takes him approximately 4/5’s of the show to present his first two dishes.  He’s essentially the David Foster Wallace of cooking with no endearing qualities.

My solution: Put him on a PBS show with the actress-wife of epic fail Coldplay singer Chris Martin.  That way no…oh, they already did.  FANTASTIC.

3. Sandra Lee/Rachael Ray

Show and Premise: Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade Cooking/ 30 Minute Whatevs.  Anyone can cook when they don’t have to try!

My problem: Let’s keep this short and sweet.  They don’t want you to try.  They do this under the guise of helping people who don’t have time to cook.  They actively promote laziness.  No, don’t learn the proper technique of cooking!  Get everything pre-made, respect no tradition.  Spit on the memory of Julia Child.  Is this the new American tradition of cooking?  Will mom’s pass these half-assed recipes down through generations?  I shudder at the thought.

My Solution: Shoot them out of canons facing each other.

4. Andrew Zimmern

Show and Premise: Bizarre Foods.  He goes all over the world eating strange food.

My Problem: This show is essentially Fear Factor with no underwater cages.  Zimmern is like a cruel American caricature, a fat, bald, jolly tourist with khaki shorts and salmon golf t-shirts.  His show is an unfortunate victim of reality show over-exposure syndrome.  How many times can I watch an American talking about how weird things are everywhere else?

Also, Andrew, speaking to foreigners isn’t the same as talking to people with hearing aids; LOUD and SLOW is patronizing.  Especially when the show is painfully half-scripted.  Honestly, it’s a less interesting version of Man Vs. Wild with Bear Grylls.  That being said, I would kill to see Andrew Zimmern jump into glacial pools and drink his own urine (less bacteria when it’s fresh, kids)!

My Solution: Never mind.  Just keep sending him out there.  It’s just so embarrassing.

5. Marc Summers

Show and Premise: Unwrapped.  Summers narrates over informative stock footage of candy factories.

My Problem: That he is completely and utterly insane.  His show is like the films you watched in Technology class in Middle School.  Clean, precise, full of boring, boring information.  Oh god.  It’s just so creepy and lifeless.  The only thing besides a Mark Summers voice-over that will make me change the channel faster is Real Housewives of Orange County.  And that should tell you something.

My Solution: Make Mark Summers take a bunch of peyote and wander around in the desert.  That should really make the show interesting.

Dishonorable Mention: Anthony Bourdain

Show and Premise: Eternally hip No Reservations

My Problem: Let’s make it clear that I have no problem with Bourdain The Writer.  He’s great at his craft, and I’ve read one and a half of his books.  However, his show is bizarrely formulaic for being anti-celebrity chef in its scabrous nature.  How his show reads:

1. Tony shows up in city or country.  Comments on how he can/can’t drink/smoke.
2. Tony voices his pre-determined opinion.  He knows it’s going to be great/doubts the locale’s greatness.
3. Tony eats a ton of food, but usually saves his more orgasmic reactions for meat.  Which is understandable (I guess?).
4. Tony gets too drunk/complains about how one of his shoots is boring
5. In the last scene, Tony eats a traditional peasants’ food, and reminds everyone that we’ve lost our way.  Talks about how he is “truly happy,” and how that is a rare thing.

Again, great writer, hilarious guy, show is getting stale like no one’s business.

Hope this sparks some debate.  I left out Bobby Flay because he’d be too easy.

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Anyone catch the first two episodes of the show? Curious to see what people thought of last weeks show or the episodes on tonight.

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Season One will see him head to Atlanta, Chicago, Memphis, Boston, Texas, Pittsburgh, New York City, Columbus, Ohio, New Orleans, Seattle, Portland, St. Louis, Denver, Los Angeles and San Jose.  After discovering the foods that make those cities tick, the premise of the show is that Adam will then take on whatever is considered to be the area’s toughest food challenge. Whether it’s devouring the Sasquatch burger in Memphis, the atomic hot wings platter in Pittsburgh, or a 13-pound pizza in Atlanta.

There is a 2-minute clip from the show up on YouTube already, check it out below:

So will I be watching? Hell no. Not that I have any problem with the premise of the show, but the scheduling geniuses at Travel Channel decided to put a new program about FOOD head-to-head with Top Chef? Idiotic. Travel Channel has plenty of non-food related shows they could have put in this timeslot instead. Breakout your Tivo if this show sounds interesting (I may record it myself), but I can’t imagine any Top Chef fans (which is a large segment of foodies and food bloggers) are going to be ditching their favorite show to accomodate Man v. Food.

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Michael Phelps “goes to great lengths” for his Frosted Flakes, Shawn Johnson “flips out” over tacos and now the Williams sisters and the Manning brothers and battling it out to become DSRL champs (thats Double Stuff Racing League for those of you not in the know).

Well, it’s certainly nice to know that I can throw all that practice crap out the window and trade it in for a box of Frosted Flakes, some taco fixin’s and a bag of Oreo’s! 2010 Olympics, here I come!

Editors addition from Eick: I’m actually totally digging this ad. It’s rare that companies get this much star power in the same ad and don’t screw it up in some way or another. From the mock rivalry between the Mannings and the Williams siblings, to the behind the scenes footage of them trash talking each other, this ad definitely delivers. Plus, the giant dancing Oreo in the workout clothes is fairly hilarious. The DSRL website is also surprisingly well thought out and put together, describing the “history” behind the DSRL:

The site also encourages you to be interactive, by creating your own personalized “Yobble.”

Fun. Seems like a big-name, big-budget way to get people talking about Double Stuff Oreos – plus, the TV ad is still somewhat ambiguous in describing exactly what the Double Stuff Racing League is, which should lead people to Google to search for the website and find out.

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1,000 Pizzas (in special BSG boxes) will be given to phone callers that call in to one of the participating pizzeria’s and say “I want to order a frakking pizza!” The phone taker will ask a question, if the phone caller answers the question correctly, they will receive a free pizza. The answer to the question is something that we will learn in the premiere episode.

Hmmmm. The season premiere of one of my favorite shows, and free pizza to go with it? Down.

Click “Read More” to see the list of participating pizzerias in Los Angeles and New York City.

Los Angeles

Asparagus Pizza
Checker Cab Pizza
Cheech’s Pizza
Damiano’s Pizza
Fratellis Pizza
Lucia’s Pizza
NY Pizza Pasta
Junior pizza
Jinas Pizza
Enzos pizza
Italian Express
Mulberry Street Pizza
Ciccero Pizz
Grecos Pizza

New York City

Adriana
City Pie
Crispy Pizza
Fat Sals
Fat Sals
Freddy Peppers
Little Italy Pizza
Maffei Pizza
Mike’s Due
Pizza Joint 2
Rays St. Marks
Stroko’s 2
Torino Pizza
Mariella
Joes Pizza
Stroko’s

Disclosure: The company I work for is helping to promote tomorrow’s premiere of BSG, although I am not personally involved with this campaign or client in any manner.

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