It seems that every conversation before, during, and immediately after is about planning for Christmas. The Christmas marketing engine starts up right after Halloween and completely eclipses Thanksgiving. Poor Thanksgiving has become a gateway to black Friday sales. I think we need to analyze Thanksgivings failings and come up with a plan.

Lets take a look at the iconic Thanksgiving elements. First off we have the turkey, while there is a dearth of living or animated turkey imagery,

most people think of the brown delicious turkey in the center of the table.

Talk about a mixed message. I mean how are we supposed to get kids interested in Thanksgiving when the first thing you need to do is explain why the cute turkey in the funny hat is now on the dinner table. How is that a fun way to eat. It would be like eating the traditional  rabbit feast at Easter. It just doesn’t work.

Next up, mashed potatoes. When one of the key ingredients to your holiday meal is often used as a simile for blandness (or wallpaper paste), you have a problem. If only mashed potatoes were used in sexy movie/food scenes instead of whipped cream then it might have a little more oomph behind it.

Let’s talk about stuffing, or dressing depending on who you are. You can already see part of the problem right there, who knows what to call it? Is it stuffing when it is cooked in the turkey and dressing outside? Who knows. How can you have an iconic dish when no one can agree on the basics of what kind of bread to use as its base? White bread? Wheat bread? Cornbread? Include sausage or apples or cranberries? These disagreements can turn into street brawls if you aren’t careful.

Lastly I have to mention cranberries. To set the record straight, I love cranberries but I tend to like bitter more than others. Despite Ocean Sprays best efforts, cranberries are just not cool.

The fact that jellied cranberry from a can is one of the symbols for the holiday is really indicative of its stature over all. No one is trying to make canned corned beef the symbol of St. Patrick’s day, why is a can of over sweetened glop a symbol for Thanksgiving?

It’s no wonder that people are overlooking Thanksgiving in favor of  Christmas.

So what do we do about it? I suppose if you are one of those people who start to decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving then you may not care. For the rest of us we need to find some way to market Thanksgiving as it’s own cool holiday with something for everyone. I think we need to have a new Thanksgiving slogan.

Something like Thanksgiving, it’s time to eat, or  Thanksgiving, the gift of family (OK that might be a tough sell for some), perhaps Thanksgiving, eat your heart out Santa.

And as for a mascot, the Turkey has got to go. You can’t have your mascot be your main course.  Perhaps the cornucopia could be a focal point? Pilgrims have kind of become passe but they could be a good alternative.

What do you thing So Good readers? What can we do to save Thanksgiving? Is it already a lost cause for you? If not I’d love to  hear your suggestions.

“If my legs weren’t so stubby I would have been three States away by now.”

I was always fine with a whimsical bandana on a Border Collie. I accepted it when people began to adorn their chilly dog with a pooch specific insulated coat. Then it escalated to parkas with faux fur details and rain proof slickers with matching galoshes. I just shook my head soundly and chalked it up to empty nesters or DINKS with too much time and money.

Now it appears that dressing your mutt for Halloween has sky-rocketed to insane levels amongst owners. Now Benji and Lassie must fear what I believe to be the lowest common denominator in Halloween costumes for dogs. With the onset of Foodie Nation and a legion of culinary fetish fans growing exponentially each second, they prepare a food themed costume to display their undying love for the culinary world while using a hapless puppy as their medium.

Even Orville Redenbacher wouldn’t have approved of this.

Your dog’s main goal in life is to please. But how many of them must be subjected to the humiliating Halloween walk of shame dressed as sushi or lobster as other dogs with normal owners look on?

Dogs have sat faithfully next to us at the dinner table looking for a handout for as long as there has been dinner. I believe it to be true when I say dogs can openly recognize and discern human food over kibble. I certainly don’t need to be the Dog Whisper to deduce what is going through a dogs mind when suddenly he is a box of Chinese take-out. Yet annually we go bat shit crazy and giddily purchase an elaborate stuffed hamburger costume for our Labradoodle or stitch together a ridiculous felt based banana outfit for that special Beagle in our life.

“Oddly enough he felt humilated again five minutes later.”

While this may win you the top prize at your local Dog Park’s Spooky Off Leash-a-palooza Costume Party, it may be leaving Fido with years of tormenting nightmares. Spot a dog in a Halloween food costume and I will show you the definition of infinite sadness. Unless that said canine is a pug. You can dress a pug up as a t-bone steak and make it do laps in a kennel chocked full of starving Rottweiler’s with a slice of bologna taped to its head and it would still look happy.

This year buy your canine compadre a stylish seasonal themed bandana instead. I guarantee it will be considerably cheaper than a pet psychiatrist.

**By the way, if you own a Daschund and dress it up as a hot dog thinking that this is the funniest thing ever, there should be a law that forces you to return your dog and trade it in for a cat immediately.

That’s because in this day in age, we have to contend with an entirely new breed of Halloweener. This generation of cul-de-sac cruisers come calling with attitude and technology to spare. Pleasing them is tough, as 364 days of constant coddling by their parental Yes Men have endowed them with illusions of Gossip Girl level self worth. Yes that’s right, all savvy spooky night solicitors are surly iPads, while you are a befuddled and dusty Atari 2600 sitting on your Martha Stewart Living decorated porch with a Halloween pail full of candy fail awaiting judgment.

Here are a few tips on how to survive, and better yet, deter the impending onslaught of your neighborhood boys and ghouls this October 31st. The fewer twelve year olds dressed up as Snooki and the Situation sauntering up to your door begging for hand-outs (please note this foreshadowing Jersey Shore cast), the better off you are in retaining any glimmer of hope for our future.

• If you’re looking to reduce foot traffic at your home on Halloween, ensure that you begin giving out healthy snacks such as granola or raisins early in the evening. Hippie Houses, as they are often coined amongst Tween circles can be instantly blacklisted via Facebook and Twitter updates resulting in a dramatic drop in doorbell rings.
• Try Instituting “Halloween Idol” at your front door. This only requires three people and a small card table. Once word gets out that you are judging costumes and giving out treats in accordance to creativity and originality, you will instantly ensure Teens with half ass outfits consisting of nothing but a dollar store wig or last minute garbage bag attire will move on.
• Buy a house with a long and/or steep driveway. According to most government reports and frequently credible episodes of “Maury”, all kids today are obese creatures that when faced with exercise will give up immediately and move on. Actually they won’t even move on. It’s more akin to continental drift. Unless you are dispensing free double dip soft serve with sprinkles or mashed potato scented asthma inhalers, you will instantly cut out 50-70% of potential Trick or Treat contenders.

Here’s a short list on the right ammunition required to help your front door get instantly brandished with a scarlet letter by pint size snack critics and surly teens alike. Remember, less knocks on the door means more leftover Hershey’s Miniatures for you.

• Candy Corn: Each year they come out with new flavors for this faux maize butter bomb. My Grandfather was a wise man and often he would use a quote which I believe sums up Candy Corn’s annual attempt at a confectionery come back. “You can put lipstick on a pig but in the end it’s still a pig.”
• Candy Kisses: Inert blobs of congealed molasses are hardly something I would associate to a kiss. Sure I had a Great Aunt who smothered me with pecks which always left sticky Werther’s Original residue all over my face. I’d take an eternity of that weirdness over having to consume one Candy Kiss. The first thing I would do upon returning home after Trick or Treating was sift through my take like a crazed Gold Miner seeking out the yellow and orange wrapped witch poop so I could exorcise them to the nearest trash can.
• Apples: There has been this Urban Legend which has persisted for eons. It tells the tale of one unfortunate kid who found a razor blade in his apple. To this day I believe this story was created by a group of paranoid children who thought getting this myth out there would in effect halt the chances of anyone ever giving out Granny Smith’s ever again. Unless the apple is smothered in caramel and impaled on a stick, this item should be stricken as a Halloween Treat option.
• Plain Potato Chips: In this era of Lunch size Doritos and mini Pringles tins why is it that people see it fit to settle on offering plain Lays? Or worse yet, those generic bags that always seem to be plagued with a plethora of those nasty green edges? Every kid knows the street value in a cafeteria for a bag of plain chips is half a day old tuna sandwich. Maybe the bottom remnants of a pudding cup at best.
• Raisins: You know who came up with the saying “Nature’s Candy”? The National Let’s Make Raisins Hip Board that’s who. The raisin is the Trojan horse of the junk food world. Show me a kid who pulls a mini bag of Raisnettes out of his loot bag and screams “Hooray! Chocolate covered raisins” and I’ll show you a kid who is home schooled.

If you’ve decided to move forward with any of these kiddy Kryptonite ideas I have provided, please ensure your property damage insurance is up to date. Either that or you’ve invested in a new power washer. Hell hath no fury like a twelve year old deprived of their annual entitled hand out.

What are some of the most hated items that you’ve discovered slumming at the bottom of your Trick or Treat pillow case?

A few days ago, to help promote the new breakfast menu, Subway announced that for a limited time it was extending its $5 footlong deal to include breakfast sandwiches.  Subway has gotten a lot of mileage, press, good buzz and most importantly, increased sales out of its $5 footlong deals.  But this latest offer begs a question that must be asked: A footlong breakfast sandwich? Really? Who eats a footlong sandwich at breakfast?

Now if you’re anything like me, morning is a time of struggle and grumpiness. Often times I don’t eat any breakfast or I simply drink a giant bottle of Gatorade. When I’m trying to eat healthier I push myself to eat breakfast, usually opting for cereal with berries, oatmeal or yogurt and granola. But don’t get me wrong, I love a good, greasy breakfast sandwich with egg and either sausage or bacon, especially when I’m hungover.  But breakfast sandwiches are typically served on bagels or english muffins, and those round shaped bread choices are inherently self-limiting in terms of the size your sandwich can actually be. Frankly, it’s the perfect size, always providing just the right amount of sustenance for your aching morning stomach.

Now I’m actually a fan of Subway. It was my first real job as a kid, and after a few years of working there, I know that if they are well-run and receive fresh produce everyday, you can get a pretty high quality sandwich. Yes the deli meat they use is pretty budget, but the meatballs and chicken breast are tasty, the bread is baked in store and even with mediocre meat, a mound of fresh veggies can go a long way.  Maybe it’s because my appetite has slowed as I get older, or maybe it’s because I load my sandwiches with every veggie possible, but even when I’m really hungry for lunch or dinner, a 6-inch sub and some chips will suffice. I can almost never eat a full footlong in one sitting, usually saving the other half for the next day.  But keep in mind, this is for LUNCH or DINNER.

A footlong sandwich for breakfast? Ugh. A six-inch sub is already slightly bigger than your average breakfast sandwich. That’s a lot of egg and meat and cheese.  Can you really imagine sitting down at your desk at 8:30 am and just crushing an entire FOOT of greasy breakfast meat? Who are you? Why did you skip dinner last night? Why do you have a death wish? Why are you capable of eating so close to the hour you emerged from your bed? What is your DEAL?

So Good readers – any thoughts on the new Subway breakfast menu for those who have tried it? Any opinions on eating a full footlong sandwich for breakfast? Could you do it? Would you want to? Do breakfast sandwiches even keep well in the fridge? Do you think you could go back for the other half later in the day?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll. ]]> http://www.sogoodblog.com/2010/10/08/eats-footlong-breakfast/feed/ 5 http://www.sogoodblog.com/2010/06/18/eats-kfc-bus/ http://www.sogoodblog.com/2010/06/18/eats-kfc-bus/#comments Fri, 18 Jun 2010 12:26:15 +0000 Eick http://www.sogoodblog.com/?p=3984 Ever since KFC started running its most recent TV commercial about a month ago, I’ve found myself snickering every time it comes on.  The ad, to promote KFC’s new Extra Crispy Strips, features a woman riding a bus, extremely annoyed by the douche-baggy (is that word hyphenated? spell check needs to get with the times and add “douchebag” to its database)  executive seated next to her who is loudly blathering into his cell phone.  After being handed a box of KFC Extra Crispy Strips by the disarmingly nonthreatening hipster dude sitting across from her, she bites into the Extra Crispy Strip and, low and behold, the strip is SO crunchy that the noise of her chewing drowns out the douche executive next to her, instantly bringing her to a temporary state of calmness:

Cute right? And a good way to illustrate just how super crunchy the new product is. There’s just one issue that I can’t get past every single time this commercial airs: WHO THE HELL EATS KFC ON A BUS?  If you eat anything even remotely messier or less compact than an apple or a granola bar on a bus, you immediately elicit glares and looks of curiosity from other bus riders who are both intrigued and annoyed by your eating invasion of their personal space.

Have you ever been on a bus when someone unwraps and starts eating a Subway sandwich? Be honest with yourself and admit the facts – the mere smell of the product, in addition to the act of someone eating an actual meal-like item on the bus makes you quietly seethe in annoyance and not-so-veiled hatred.  And folks, this is a SANDWICH that elicits such a reaction. A food item that by all accounts is compact, usually cold, and wrapped in a protective, lettuce-bits-catching wrapper.  KFC serves its Extra Crispy Strips meal in an open topped box. In addition to the aroma of fried chicken and potato wedges, this dude’s meal is exposed for all the bus to see.

KFC has put a lot of emphasis over the last couple years on moving away from its traditional image as the place to get giant buckets of chicken and sides of mashed potatoes to take home for your family on nights you are too lazy to cook.  In an effort to woe young people on the go and individual versus group meal purchases, KFC has introduced snack wraps, the Double Down, a value menu and a $5 Fill Up Box.  Never mind the fact that the strategy isn’t working and KFC sales are declining.

The bottom line is this: KFC’s latest commercial is, in my eyes, an inaccurate fantasy and not representative of where people ACTUALLY eat KFC – either around a dinner table with the family, in front of the television, or in a grimy plastic booth coated with grease residue that dates back to the Reagan administration.  Anyone with a basic sense of decency and respect for the personal space of others is not going to eat an open-topped box of KFC fried chicken and potato wedges on a public bus.

Word to the wise: if I’m ever on a bus and you sit down next to me and start chowing down on a box full of KFC, I will be compelled to punch you in the spleen. Repeatedly.

KFC announced on April 1st that they would begin selling the Double Down across the country, and this was, unfortunately, not an April Fools prank.  Why do I say unfortunately? Well, quite simply, because the Double Down is an edible representation of what is surely the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.  Some of you are probably thinking “waaaaaaa? Eick, you are the guy who invented Meat Madness and the Fast Food Bracket! surely if anyone lives and dies for this kind of thing it’s you right?”

Well, lives for this? Maybe. Dies for it? Most certainly there will be some dying involved, and I’m not just talking about potential heart attacks. Your chances at getting laid will surely die a fast death if you ever have the audacity to order this in front of a first date (note to on-the-market single men: don’t bring a first date to KFC).

Look, I love writing about fast food and ridiculous food creations: it’s a way to take food writing away from the snooty foodies, pop culture-ize it and spread it to the masses.  But I don’t eat shitty fast food. Almost never. Dirty little secret: I eat damn healthy. Salads, fruit, home-cooked meals, avoid fried foods.   Sure, I like to hit up my favorite local burger joint from time to time, and I’ll give a try to the occasional ridiculous creation, but I avoid fast food chains at all costs. The hormone, grease and preservative laden crap they give you at most chains pales in comparison to the good, solid and usually fresher food you can get at local joints. I had to eat Wendy’s and Burger King on the same weekend 10 days ago when traveling and it was like a  kick-in-the-nuts to my digestive system.

But this is the world we live in and Americans love fast food.  I must admit, goddamn do I love the crazy ways they go about marketing it and coming up with new products. It’s absolutely fascinating.  They are competing not just with each other, they are competing with your natural sense-abilities and good judgment.  Trying to ease back on how much fast food you eat? Haha! Good luck, cause we have a creation you just HAVE to try. It’s a sandwich! But with FRIED CHICKEN for a bun! I know! For reals!  The Double Down is yet another ominous sign that mainstream fast food chains are inching closer and closer to becoming the Nebraska State Fair.

What is absolutely fascinating about the marketing of the Double Down is KFC knows just how ridiculous it is, and they aren’t trying to hide it.  Look at the promotional image earlier on in this post, the Double Down is being marketed with the tagline “It’s Real!”  ARE. YOU. SERIOUS. We have now reached the point where fast food chains are no longer trying to convince someone that the food they sell is tasty and delicious but trying to convince them that the twisted combination of grease, fried batter, hormones, preservatives & sauce is in fact “real.”  In their review of the Double Down, Salon makes light of just what lengths KFC had to go to in order to get the “shock” factor behind the release of this product, writing:

The really funny thing about the Double Down is not that it exists, not that it’s a dare pretending to be a lunch, but that it would be nothing special if they added a bun to it. Think about it. It’d be like, “What’s that? A double chicken sandwich? Pffft. Snooze. Any jackass can make a double chicken sandwich.” Somehow, by taking off the processed-food bread, KFC made this thing look deadly.

Americans have no expectations that fast food companies are trying to sell them anything but junk, but the fact that the tagline is “It’s Real!” is a stunning reflection of the attitude we have towards fast food: they know it’s ridiculous, but no one ever thought KFC, or any national chain for that matter, would take it THIS far.  But they have, they did, and now they want to convince you that “yep, we’re KFC, we have such gigantic balls that we actually made this shit a reality. Believe it haters.”

The Double Down is the Narnia of the fast food world: no one will believe it exists until they stumble into a funny smelling room and emerge with two fried chicken patties jammed in their mouth after getting raped by a minotaur.

For additional reviews/write-ups that are unlikely to contain any references to minotaur rape, check out Salon, Eater, Fork in the Road and the NY Times.

In no way am I calling for a bacon boycott.  I will still consume bacon on a semi-regular basis.

I’m just sick of the saturation.  Bacon in every food imaginable.  Bacon on t-shirts.  Bacon lube.  Bacon alternative fuel.  Bacon-replicas of famous bacon-cities and bacon-landmarks.  Bacon  has made its mark, but something occurred two days ago that made me believe that bacon is over.

Eick gives me coupons for free Taco Bell, so of course my interest is piqued by whatever insane burrito/taqui/nacho creation they are featuring.  In this case, it is the blood pressure escalator New Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito. Stare at the picture.  Become mesmerized by the weird ground beef.  The strange bacon pieces.  The traditional oozing cheese, sour cream and special sauce exuding from within.

My first bite is awful.  All potato and sour cream.  And with the second bite, I encounter something soggy, wet, and long.  I pull it out of my mouth quickly.  BACON.  Not a neat little bacon crisp as shown in the advertisements, but a terrifying microwaved bit of porkstuff that had not crisped.  It has simply gone limp, like the body of a drowning victim.

Eating an entire Bacon Cheesey Potato Burrito is possible.  One must be intoxicated, and not eating any breakfast or lunch should help.  Otherwise, you’re in a for a horrible state of being – over-full.  You know, that feeling you get after you accidentally eat a foot-long sub even though you promised your girlfriend you’d save the other half for later?  Or you eat five plates of China Buffet King just because?  Any simple task after this act of consumption terrorism is simply impossible.  It’s as if your stomach is holding your body prisoner.  And the bacon……….oh man…

I tried.  I really did.  I wanted to write a point-by-point review of this Bacon Abomination, but my taste buds and stomach told me otherwise.  I felt nauseous from eating this Taco Bell product, which is painful for me to admit.  I’ve stood by Taco Bell for years, espousing it as the greatest late-night fast food option in existence.  Sober or intoxicated, veg or non-veggie, I defended it.

Who cares if the meat has the texture of belly button lint?  Who cares if the special sauce tastes like two week old mayo left out in the sun?  Taco Bell rarely has anything on the menu too insane to try, and…well…

I BLAME BACON!!!

The internet, newsprint and food television have created a perfect storm of bacon.  If you’re a fast food chain without bacon, GOD HELP YOU.  Bloggers won’t blog about you, twitterer’s won’t tweet shit, and people still reading the newspaper will bemoan the crumbling state of newsprint rather than try your bacon-less drivel.

I demand we take back bacon by not mentioning it every five seconds when talking about food.  In ten years time, bacon should then be under-appreciated, and we can all join together and start Bacon Fad 2.0 in 2019.

But for now, thanks to massive over-exposure and Taco Bell, me and bacon won’t be speaking for a while.  If you run into bacon on the street or something, just tell him I meant to call last night.  And yeah, I’ll totally call bacon back tomorrow, it’s just that I lost my phone.  And my facebook password.  Someone poke bacon for me.

Many of you are probably thinking, “whaaaaaaaaa? how can you not like bacon on a burger?” It’s seems like one of the most obvious and easy uses for bacon.  Most people believe that if you add some crispy, greasy bacon to pretty much any burger, good, bad or mediocre, it WILL be better. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

How many times have you ordered a mediocre fast food burger that came with soft, chewy or generally gross, low quality bacon? In those cases, you aren’t adding anything but cost, calories and consternation to your burger order.  But the main reason that your opinion is WRONG?  It completely disregards a new food fad that has been trending mainstream like crazy in the past five years: the rise of the easily accessible & affordable premium burger.

California residents, with access to In-n-Out Burger, have long known the joys of being able to get affordable, fresh and delicious burgers. But  in other parts of the country, many consumers are just now becoming able to find premium, fresh (not frozen) hamburgers at affordable prices. Whether it’s the expanding-faster-than-you-can-blink Five Guys, or city specific chains like Shake Shack in NYC or Ray’s Hell Burger or Z Burger in DC,  there are a LOT of really, really good burgers available to the public in the $4 – $10 price range.  Not to mention the growing number of bars and restaurants who are now putting a bigger menu focus on burgers.  Many of these are damn tasty burgers, with fresh, well seasoned and perfectly moist and greasy hand-formed patties.

You want to taste bacon? Eat a BLT or order it with your eggs at breakfast. You want to taste a burger? Then really TASTE a burger. Don’t mask it with the flavor of bacon. Yeah, it’s delicious, we know.  But what are you really in the mood for? Bacon? Or a juicy burger? If it’s the latter, your addition of bacon to the mix is preventing you from enjoying the full wonderfulness of a well-made, perfectly cooked burger.  There’s a reason In-n-Out doesn’t serve bacon on their burgers: they don’t NEED bacon. They are f-ing awesome on their own, and if you want to take issue with the menu options of perhaps the best burger chain in the country, then be perpared for a horde of burger loving Mormons to hunt you down.

There are so many good burgers these days, and if you haven’t enjoyed the taste of one of them without the addition of bacon, you aren’t doing justice to the tremendous amount of time and work burger joint owners have put into raising the quality of this classic American dining staple. Your decision to add bacon is an insult to the high level of quality and deliciousness of these burgers.

So give it some thought So Good readers. Are you always ordering bacon on your burger?  STOP. Dial it back a bit. Recognize that sometimes, you don’t need bacon.  Sometimes, you need to appreciate good burgers for exactly what they are: good burgers.   There ain’t nothing wrong with that.

I’m sorry, a SAMPLE of Bass? So you mean I get to drink 1 oz of Bass for free? What is that horse  shit? If you are promoting a certain kind of hard liquor, give me a free shot. If you are promoting a certain kind of beer, give me a free beer. I know what Bass tastes like, and odds are, so does everyone in a bar on a Saturday night.  Do you really think anyone is going to taste the sample and say “huh, that lukewarm 1 oz serving reminded me how much I love Bass. I think I will now buy a Bass”? NO. No one is going to do that.  Giving us a sample of a beer we’ve all tasted before is pointless, and it’s not going to convince anyone not already drinking Bass to buy one.

However, giving someone a full beer for free can have the intended effect. You start drinking Bud Light/Miller Lite/Bass whatever, and over the course of a full beer you get accustomed to the taste and are likely to buy another one so you can keep drinking the same thing.   If you want me to look more favorably on the type of beer/liquor you are promoting, I damn well better get enough quantity (i.e. a shot or a full beer) to add to my buzz.  So note to Bass: terrible promotion. It was lame central and left me with a worse impression of Bass than I had before.  Note to beer promoters in general: don’t bother giving me a “sample” of your beer unless it’s some kind of gourmet, 10% alcohol beer I’ve never tried before.  If you’re not giving me a free beer, you’re wasting your and my time.

Update: Unlike Kellogg’s, Subway has announced they are standing by Phelps and keeping him as their spokesperson. Bravo Subway, bravo.

Yeah that’s right, I said it. I’m going to boycott Kellogg’s. Why? Because otherwise they will think everything is just hunky dory after they fired an American HERO for doing what millions of other 23 year-olds have done before: smoke pot.

We’re talking about freakin Kellogg’s here people. Are they not aware of who their customer base is? Do they not know who is regularly buying Pop Tarts? I’ll give you a hint: it ain’t sober people. You’re honestly going to tell me that the guy who created Pop Tart’s wasn’t high at the time? Rubbish.

Personally, I’m not even a fan of Michael Phelps.  In his media apperances he seems about as smart as a bag of rocks. However, you cannot deny that his performance this past summer united Americans and instilled many of us with patriotic pride. There is no debate: Michael Phelps is the single most successful athlete in the history of the Olympic games.  The man is, plain and simple, an American hero.

So how does a company like Kellogg’s treat American heroes? By not renewing their contracts, a.k.a FIRING them. Yes, that’s right, Kellogg’s fires American heroes. Are you patriotic Kellogg’s? Do you love America? Then why are you taking money out of the pocket of an American hero?

Michael Phelps was photographed smoking pot. Newsflash: Barack Obama used to smoke pot. The mayor of NYC, Michael Bloomberg, used to smoke pot.  The American people have decided that if you have smoked pot, you are good enough to manage a city of 14 million and good enough to be leader of the free world. Clearly Kellogg’s does not agree with the American people – in their eyes, if you smoke pot, you are not even good enough to be a cereal spokesperson.

Lee Strahan, writing at Huffington Post, is also calling for a boycott, pointing out:

Kellogg’s has profited for decades on the food tastes of marijuana using Americans with the munchies. In fact, we believe that most people over the age of twelve would not eat Kellogg’s products were they not wicked high.

Andrew Sullivan has also weighed in, asking, ”When on earth are we going to grow up as a culture?”  Supporters on Facebook have set up a fan page titled, “I don’t care that Michael Phelps smoked a bong” that is already above 2,000 members. An online petition has been set up, and there are now a flurry of news articles about how the story is uniting pot smokers, which CNN even did a report on:

I ask you So Good readers, who do you want dictating who your cereal spokesperson is? A) Puritanical anti-drug zealots?, B) The 41% of American’s who believe pot should be legal? or C) Patriotic individuals who don’t fire American heroes? Me? I choose B or C.

Some of you may be saying, oh it’s bad PR to keep Phelps, Kellogg’s had no choice, blah, blah, blah. WRONG. Kellogg’s could have easily stood by Michael Phelps. Both Omega and Speedo have NOT dropped Phelps as a spokesperson, and put out statements saying that the picture of him smoking a bong was a private matter. I don’t hear any deafening chorus of people telling me not to buy Speedo’s anymore. So I say bravo Omega, bravo Speedo. I vow to all of my readers that if I ever decide to do a total 180 with my preferred beachwear and buy a bathing suit that exposes 100% of my white, hairy legs, I will make it a Speedo bathing suit.

Subway is already making noises indicating that they will be the next company to cut ties with Phelps. As a former “Sandwich Artist” and lover of Subway, I’m asking you Jared, I’m asking you Subway corporation: don’t do it.  Fear my wrath, fear the wrath of So Good’s readers, and fear the wrath of rational thinking American’s everywhere who have already elected a pot-smoking President and can therefore totally, most definitely, handle a pot-smoking sandwich spokesperson. I don’t want to have to boycott you Subway, but mark my words, I will.

There’s plenty of other cereals out there. General Mills, Post, those weird bags that are always on the bottom shelf. Sure, Pop Tarts are pretty tasty, but I’m sure the store brand “toaster pastries” are fine too. Be honest with yourself: you could live without Kellogg’s. So do it. DO IT. Boycott Kellogg’s.  It’s time to stand up for Michael Phelps, and stand up to American corporations who want to take money out of the pockets of American heroes just because when they are partying they prefer to smoke a plant instead of chugging a Coors Light.

If you feel the same way I do, let Kellogg’s know how you feel:

Kellogg’s Consumer Affairs: kellogg@casupport.com
Kellogg’s corporate responsibility department: corporateresponsibility@kellogg.com