While I might trade someone else’s soul for a Reuben, I gave up mine long ago for a beer, so my trading days are over. Reubens are one of the many dishes that have made their way into dip form. This time of year, with “The Big Game” right around the corner, salty, cheesey, rich dishes are often the order of the day. A big crock pot full  of dip is the easiest way to bring your own thing to a party. Making a dip from a popular dish can be your ticket to a bowl of something super.

In addition to reuben dip, there are a number of other recipes that are easy conversions to bring along with you.

Chicken wing dip seems to be at every pot luck or party I go to nowadays. Wings were already a party food, particularly around a football game, so why would they need to get transformed for a party?  No mess. Thats what I’m talking about. Now I won’t pretend that chicken wing dip gives you that same crispy chicken skin awesomeness that you get with wings but it packs a ton of flavor and you can make it as hot or mild as you like. It also gives me an excuse to eat Chicken in a Biskit crackers.

If you have never opened a box of these things and gorged yourself, go get some, now. And yes they have some form of actual chicken in them.

Pizza dip is another one that has spun its way into my world. It reminds me of my days in a  pizza shop as a kid, putting a pile of Mozzarella onto a pan, topping it with whatever other ingredients I might want and baking until the cheese was brown and crispy on the edges. (Pardon me, I need to wipe up some drool)

I like mine with crackers (Ritz please) but it you want to fancy it up, feel free to slice up some baguettes and spread it on the bread. Though if you are going to go that far you might as well make pizza.

How about some Philly cheese steak dip?  All of your favorite flavors from a cheese steak ready for scooping, preferably with soft pretzels as a vehicle for shoveling it into your face.

Last but not least, another classic sandwich as a dip, BLT dip. Everyone has been soundly beaten over the head with how amazing bacon is. Needless to say, I’m a fan. Outside of eating it alongside eggs, a BLT is the dish from my childhood that cemented bacon as a staple in my cooking. Once you hit that perfect ratio of bacon, tomatoes, crispy lettuce and toasted bread it is tough to beat. It is a challenge to get that ratio right for a dip that is invariably far more cheesy than a sandwich would be. Try serving it with some melba toast or another cracker that will bring that flavor into the mix. Or skip the crackers and scoop it up with some bib lettuce.

So this Super Bowl weekend, or any weekend, try turning one of your favorite dishes into a dip and enjoy.

Now being someone who enjoys the wide world of food, there has been many an item that has made its way into my possession via good intentions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about kitsch value. I’d be the first pre-schooler at “Show and Tell” trying to top all would be challengers with some absurd item procured from by Grandparents house. However due to size constraints in my kitchen work space there is a need to vote even the most uniquely weird item off the island if there is no true functionality to it.

Sure, it’s the thought that counts but if the thought comes with the receipt? This is the scenario I prefer and helps the fake smile I flash a tad more real.

As someone who may come off with a slight case of anti-seasonal disorder I never frown on gift cards. To some receiving a gift card comes off as impersonal and may say “Do it yourself.” To me it says “Do it yourself correctly, the first time”

Here are but a few I have managed to thankfully return or re-gift over the years. A word of note: If you have received gifts from me in the past and recognize an item on this list?

Better than socks right?

Egg Cuber

Regardless of the shape it’s still going to create the same awkward moments in your office building’s elevator.

Hog Wild Twirling Spaghetti Fork

This is one of the laziest items I’ve ever received. I know it’s a gag gift but if the movie Wall-e has proven anything, this type of low impact utensil will one day be accepted by the masses before we shift to direct food enemas.

Microwave S’mores Center

Unless you can also live in fear of a random bear attack or being covered head to toe by ticks and / or poison oak, all charm is lost on a nuked glob of sugar & crackers.

Tic-Tac-Toast

I think I’ll wait for Corndog Hangman thanks.

Block Head Knife Holder

I would not be surprised if this item was co-created by someone responsible for the Saw movies.

The Easy Pour Bottle Holder

If the Mountain Dew ain’t rockin’, Come on knockin’! This item is the official poster child for Landfills.

Condiment Gun

Be careful with this device. I accidentally loaded mine up with Spicy Mustard instead of French’s at an office BBQ. I was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. Jim in accounting lost an eye.

Pizza Scissor Server Tool

Hey there! Pizza Cutter and Spatula just called. They wanted to let you know there’s only one tool in this scenario. That being the chump who bought this waste of utensil drawer space.

Voodoo Toothpick Dude

From the Final Destination line of Kitchen Gadgets.

Doggie Butt Dish Towel Holder

The instructions are even more disturbing than the concept.

This article got me thinking about some of the healthy,fast, alternatives you may encounter. Before we dig in to that, I just wanted to say, Detroit? really Detroit is the the healthiest airport? Color me shocked. I’m not sure I quite agree with the article’s definition of healthy but it works. Looking at the list of what is available in Detroit, I do wonder what you can get at the Heineken lounge, besides a skunky beer, that qualifies as healthy. Certainly in a larger airport you would expect to have a greater variety. Here in my local airport we have one terminal where everything is fried in batches through one machine. You want a hotdog? The bartender drops a hot dog into the hopper, presses a button and in a few minutes it drops from a chute in the bottom. Pretty awesome if you think about it but certainly not healthy. You can get a clam pack salad though.

OK so you can find something good to eat in an airport, but how about on the highways. Here in NY we have the NYS Thruway with its many lanes and frequent rest stops it is the way to travel if you are heading across a large swathe of New York State. Even with an Easy Pass, you never really want to get off of the thruway, so the rest areas are the stop of choice. There was an initiative to try to change over many of the restaurants along to way to something that might be a better, healthier alternative, but if you are stopping in scenic Sloatsburg you might be in trouble. The initiative seems to have stalled pretty badly.

At least you can get some good coffee.

If you look hard you find  some ways to make it work on the road, but if it’s not a regular thing. Go ahead have the Cinnabon

Enjoy your day!

“Alan was visited by three ghosts, the last being the most awkward.”

I think it was someone in the Bible, or a Family Circus cartoon that said “Ask and ye shall receive!”

As the Holiday season is now breathing down our collective necks, what better time to share interesting and festive recipes from some of the most iconic Christmas Characters known to Pop Culture? I managed to procure an advanced copy of Horper / Cullins “Holiday Special All Stars Cookbook” which won’t be released until next year due to numerous copyright infringement lawsuits, mostly from Ebenezer Scrooge & the Grinch estates.

Inside you’ll find such interesting fare as Clarke Griswold’s “Cousin Eddie’s Egg Nog”, Scrooge’s “Three French Toasts of Christmas”, Charlie Brown’s “Good Grief Holiday Peanuts Brittle” and many more!

I’ve posted a few for your consideration.

If you’re looking for something different to serve this time of year, pick one of these seasonal offerings that would please the crankiest of food critics in Who-ville. Even Ralphie’s kid brother, the pickiest of eaters would gleefully Oink out on any of these recipes.

These recipes are real, tried and tested. I did not make them up or have them provided to me via a mysterious talking tree I sat down beside at the Mall during my last minute sleep deprived, power drink fueled, shopping marathon. You can feel good in choosing any of these delicious selections and give Martha Stewart a run for her money. I mean she has way more money than you but you didn’t serve jail time. That I know of.

Bon Appetite!

The Grinch’s Devilish Who-Ville Turkey

Our favorite emerald master of break and enter with a heart that fluctuates in size annually (He should really see a Doctor) presents us with a spicy spin on the traditional roast beast found on Holiday Dinner tables.

Ingredients

•   1 onion, chopped
•   1 (12 ounce) jar roasted red peppers, drained and chopped
•   1 cup whiskey
•   1/2 cup minced garlic
•   1 (22 pound) whole turkey, neck and giblets removed
•   1 (7 ounce) can chipotle chilies in adobo sauce
•   roasting bag for a large turkey

Directions

1.  Preheat an oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
2.  Stir together the onion, roasted red peppers, whiskey, and garlic and place this mixture inside the cavity of the bird. Mince chipotle peppers in a food processor until about the consistency of spaghetti sauce. Rub half of the chipotles on the outside of the turkey, and place the rest inside the bird cavity. Place turkey in a roasting bag; close the bag according to the bag directions, and place onto a roasting pan.
3.  Bake the turkey in the preheated oven until no longer pink at the bone and the juices run clear, about 3 1/2 hours. An instant-read thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the thigh, near the bone should read 180 degrees F (82 degrees C). Remove the turkey from the oven, and allow to rest in a warm area 10 to 15 minutes before slicing.

A Christmas Story presents: Randy’s Deep Fried Mashed Potatoes

Your Mom won’t have to trick your little brother into thinking he’s a little piggy in order to get him to eat these deep fried cheesy starch bombs of awesomeness! They’re fudging great!

Ingredients:

• 2 cups mashed potatoes
• salt and pepper , to taste
• cheese , any type (optional)

For The Batter

• 1/2 cup flour
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup milk
• oil (for deep frying)

Directions:

1.  Make mashed potatoes into golf –ball or small ball size.
2.  Add cheese per taste
3.  Freeze for 2 hours or more.
4.  Mix together the flour, milk, egg and salt to make the batter.
5.  Gently dip mashed potato balls into batter, being careful that all exposed potato is coated with batter.
6. Deep fry in hot oil until golden brown.

Frosty’s Killer Candy Cane Ice-Cream in a Bag

There must have been some magic in that those two Ziploc bags you use to create this delicious and quick chilly snack with a minty seasonal kick of peppermint candy canes. Naw, it’s just science.

Ingredients:

•  1/2 cup half-and-half
•   1 tablespoon sugar
•   1/4 teaspoon vanilla
•   1 sandwich ziploc bag
•   1 gallon ziploc bag
•   3 cups crushed ice
•   1/3 cup rock salt
•   crushed candy canes

Directions:

1.  Put first 3 ingredients in the smaller Ziploc bag and seal bag (Make sure it is tightly closed!)
2.  Put ice and rock salt in the larger bag and then add the filled small bag. Seal the large bag.
3.  Squeeze bag until ice cream is thickened, about 10-15 minutes.
4.  Remove small bag, unseal, stir in crushed candy canes and eat with spoon
5.  No need to even dirty a bowl!

Bonus Pet Recipe!
Yukon Cornelius’s Minty Christmas Tree Dog Biscuits

Regardless if your team of North Pole loving dogs are stoic Huskies, virile German Shepherds’ or a Hodge podge of poodles and pugs, everybody likes fresh minty breath when it comes time to an obligatory lick-fest. Yukon says you can always substitute parsley in this recipe, but true men go the extra mile to find some mint when it comes to honoring Man’s Best Friend.

Ingredients:

•   2 Tablespoons Chopped Mint Leaves (Can also use parsley)
•   3/4 Cup Skim milk
•   1 Egg
•   1 Tablespoon Honey
•   3 Tablespoons Canola Oil
•   2 Tablespoons Wheat germ
•   1 Tablespoon Brewer’s Yeast
•   1 1/2 Cups Whole Wheat Flour

Instructions:

1. Add milk, egg, honey, oil, and mint to large mixing bowl and whisk together.
2. Add wheat germ and brewer’s yeast and stir together until well blended. Mix in wheat flour 1/4 cup at a time until stiff dough forms.
3. Place on floured surface and roll to desire thickness. Cut out using Christmas Tree cookie cutter. Bake at 300 degrees. If rolled to 3/8″ baking time is 30 to 35 minutes or until a golden brown.

Tip: After shutting off the oven I leave the dog biscuits in the oven for a couple hours to make sure they are completely dry and crunchy. Then they can be stored for a long time without worrying about spoilage.

Bonus Recipe for Large Families!
The Three Wisemen Stuffed Camel

“If he was to be dinner,he vowed to take at least one of them with him.”

Forget expensive ingredients like gold, frankincense and myrrh. This recipe is heavy on flavor and ironically water. Sure it might take some work to procure the camel but that’s what lax, bribable government officials in the import / export departments are for. Besides, you cook one of these and the neighborhood eats for a week. Now who’s the King?

Ingredients:

• 1 whole camel, medium size
• 1 whole lamb, large size
• 20 whole chickens, medium size
• 60 eggs
• 12 kilos rice
• 2 kilos pine nuts
• 2 kilos almonds
• 1 kilo pistachio nuts
• 110 gallons water
• 5 pounds black pepper
• Salt to taste

Directions:

1. Skin, trim and clean camel (once you get over the hump), lamb and chicken.
2. Boil until tender.
3. Cook rice until fluffy.
4. Fry nuts until brown and mix with rice.
5. Hard boil eggs and peel. Stuff cooked chickens with hard boiled eggs and rice.
6. Stuff the cooked lamb with stuffed chickens.
7. Add more rice.
8. Stuff the camel with the stuffed lamb and add rest of rice.
9. Broil over large charcoal pit until brown.
10. Spread any remaining rice on large tray and place camel on top of rice.
11. Decorate with boiled eggs and nuts.
12. Serves friendly crowd of 80-100.

In my house we do the Feast of the Seven Fishes on Christmas Eve. Traditionally this is a very long meal of many courses that ends just before midnight, so that people could attend midnight mass. Personally I have not been to midnight mass since I was teenager, apparently falling asleep and snoring loudly exempted me from attending any more. Many of you likely let Christmas Eve go by with little or no fanfare, to be followed by a big Christmas Day meal with Ham, Turkey, Roast Beef or some other large hunk of protein.

For Hanukkah there is a custom of eating foods fried or baked in oil (preferably olive oil) to commemorate the miracle of a small flask of oil keeping the flame in the Temple alight for eight days.

The Kwanzaa feast, or Karamu is typically celebrated on December 31st and will likely includes dishes with African roots like spicy stews and soups, roasted lamb or ham with black eyed peas. Kwanzaa cake is optional

The original holiday dinner for Festivus  featured turkey or ham followed by a Pepperidge Farm cake decorated with M&M’s. The Costanza family appeared to have meatloaf, or maybe spaghetti with red sauce. I think you can play it by ear if you want to enjoy this December 23rd traditon. The airing of grievances is required.

The one common thread for all of these meals is the tradition of families coming together to enjoy them and celebrate whatever reason for the season that they have.

As households in the US get smaller and smaller…

More and more families are moving away from the large extended family holiday dinner, to a restaurant meal with their immediate family.  As a result restaurants are beginning to cater to those family traditions in order to attract more business.  You can have your very own feast of the 7 fishes brought to your table without any sweat off of your, or your mothers brow. Or how about a delicious prime rib dinner on Christmas day without having to give up hours of playing with you new Christmas goodies.

There is already a long standing “tradition” for Jewish families to eat Chinese food on Christmas day.

but what about other meals during Hanukkah? Seems like there are many options.

So what do you think? Is going to a restaurant the path of least resistance and maximum enjoyment for your holiday meal or is is it the hearth, home and pile of people that make the season for you.

As much of a foodie as I am, I have to admit, Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without a houseful of people, My Kill all Humans apron and the smell of fish frying in my kitchen.

Foodies take this simple enjoyment of a good meal to a level far beyond what any normal diner could fathom. To them, each meal must be elevated to deity status upon consumption. To be on the same plain as a Foodie you almost have to see God with each bite. They’d probably give an arm or leg for the ability to Vulcan mind meld with a lobster crusted filet mignon in port reduction. Then analyze, photograph, tweet & post each forkful on Facebook. Foodies know more about their next meal then they do their own families.

“Keep those plates coming Mama!”

As the Foodie masses seem to be growing exponentially each day, second only to Hipsters & much to the chagrin of chefs & wait staff worldwide,  I knew there could be a very lucrative niche opportunity for creating an insanely decadent multi-course meal aimed right at this seemingly insatiable demographic of foi gras- it -alls.

What better time of year to offer up a sumptuous barrage of dishes so decadent and ridiculous no Foodie could say Non to bon appetiting the Hell out of it?

I give to you my “12 Days of Christmas Dinner” which puts a culinary spin, or reimagining if you will, on each of those famous lines in the enduring Holiday song.

A twelve course Holiday Dinner served over 12 hours, this meal would be offered only once.  It would begin at Noon on December 24^th of 2012 and culminate at the stroke of Midnight.  I have already patented this meal and hold all copyrights to the concept and recipes within. Participants would be screened and must possess the ability to describe the experience of eating a piece of Melba toast in no less than 50,000 words & 80 pictures.

As I cannot legally serve Human I had to strike fresh Drummer, Pipers, Lords et al from the line-up. So I adapted accordingly.

I’ve analyzed each plate serving, taking into consideration the funds needed to procure all ingredients, bribes and manpower to achieve only the top shelf results.  All Foodies must sign a waiver that states they are to live blog about each dish with ample time provided between courses to post badly lit photos.

The cost per sitting would work out to $10,050.00. This would equate to $837.50 per course. This meal would be served upon a 120 seating table fashioned from a giant redwood tree and staged within a 100% authentic recreation of the Bethlehem Manger scene.

Here for your consideration Dear Foodie, is my masterpiece.

Twelve Drummers Drumming

Drumsticks procured from only the plumpest of free range and certified endangered peacocks are lightly dusted with a combination of gold dust, flour and cayenne pepper and plunged into a vat of boiling penguin fat. Served with a side dressing of Water Buffalo Wing Sauce and set within a basket containing shredded pages of original newspapers printed on day the Titanic sank.

Eleven Pipers Piping

We tracked down the remaining sheep that appeared in the movie “Babe” and created a trio of haggis. One stuffed with Yorkshire pudding with was made by the fellow who plays Roy on Coronation Street. The next contains an edible recreation of the script from the feature film “Trainspotting” hand written on rice paper by Monks and swimming in a mixture of curried fish and chips.  Finally the third haggis contains Spam. Which will be hand fed to you the surviving Monty Python troupe member of your choice.

Ten Lords a-Leaping

Coffee cherries consumed, then defecated by the Asian Palm Civet, are dry roasted and finely ground. A dry rub is created by combining said grinds with dried ghost peppers & cumin. Free range frogs, raised by the cast of History Channel’s “Swamp People” specifically for this dinner will be flown in that day so the legs are at their freshest. Once coated with the rub, these limbs will be flash fried in a skillet of Menthol flavor Chewing Tobacco infused Olive Oil. Finally, they are served atop of a trucker hat once worn by BJ and or the Bear.

Nine Ladies Dancing

We paid Bill Gates to work on creating a time machine so we could send Iron Chef Bobby Flay & his pet dog, dressed as Stewie and Brian from “Family Guy” back to 15th century at the court of the Duchy of Savoy at the very instant the very first tray of Lady Fingers are being taken out of the oven. Once back in 2012, they will be briskly plated while still hot and topped with a whiskey vanilla whipped cream, rum pickled cherries & 210% Ecuadorian dark chocolate drizzle.

 Eight Maids a-Milking

We pay eight Rockefeller Center Rockettes to blow off their final Christmas evening engagements so that they can milk eight lactating Egyptian Fruit Bats on site. This incredibly potent and concentrated milk is processed into one very small block of bat cheese. This is then sliced incredibly thin using a working laser on loan from George Lucas and then draped over a kumquat and served by C3-P0 (I have Anthony Daniels on retainer)

Seven Swans a-Swimming

A large ceramic bowl of consommé is wheeled out to the diners. It will be served tableside. In this broth we have essence of caviar, Kobe beef and vodka mixed with frankincense, and myrrh. Within the vessel is Black Swan actress Natalie Portman, wearing the original Princess Leia slave dress which appears in the film Return of the Jedi. She will be dispensing freshly ground Dead Sea salt and white peppercorns at upon request.

Six Geese a-Laying

We present a rich pate culled from the livers of six geese that have been fed nothing but a steady diet of Shortbread cookies and Glenfarclas 1955, 50 years old Scotch soaked fruit cake for four months. This rich offering is served with a side of saltine crackers as you watch Pauley Shore and Carrot Top dressed as Mother Goose and Daffy Duck respectively, fight to the death.

 Five Golden Rings

We take organically grown Vidalia onions, slice them thickly, submerge in eggnog wash and then dredge through a mixture of dried Italian White Alba Truffles and flour. Deep Fried in a gold plated fryer obtained from the House of Hussein auction, this course will be served to you by International Olympic Committee member Henry Kissinger as he wears the Burger King “King” mascot costume.

 Four Calling Birds

We select only the most talkative birds for this dish. In the style of a turducken, we stuff a canary inside a parrot, inside a cockatoo. Finally we insert all three into a Toucan that has been fed nothing but Fruit Loops. Wrapped in strips of veal, the Touparrcanpoo is braised in a red wine and gold leaf reduction for ten hours by Sesame Street’s Big Bird.

 Three French Hens

A trio of Hens of proven French heritage and raised solely on top of the Eiffel Tower will be fed a mixture of Matsutake mushroom (the rarest and most expensive mushroom in the World) and butter. Once the trio of birds have fattened and passed away from natural causes (high blood pressure), they are plucked and truffle oil is liberally applied. They’re then thrown in a burlap sack and buried in the country side outside Paris. A pig will be employed to sniff out this bag. Once retrieved, the hens will be stitched together ala Human Centipede, stuffed with eleven herbs and spices and then placed inside the pig that discovered them. Roasted in a charcoal pit, the dish is served with apple chutney and new potato mash.

 Two Turtle Doves

Turtles, having subsisted on a steady diet of dove for no less than one year are served in a cream and butter based broth with hints of mint, cinnamon & cloves.  Added to this rich chowder is every type of fish that appears in the Pixar animated movie “Finding Nemo”.

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree

All surviving members of the Partridge Family will reunite for one night only. They will be serving a dessert of braised pear in a cognac reduction. The pear has been stuffed with candied berries acquired from the highest peak in the Swiss Alps and tied together with strands of Donald Trump’s golden locks. Danny Bonaduce, sporting a partridge costume will sit  precariously atop a reinforced pear tree as diners are handed large slabs of Wagyu steak to throw at the unemployed actor. The person who successfully dislodges Mr. Bonaduce from his perch will be given the Guinness World Record endorsed and published distinction as Greatest Foodie in the World.

At 12:01am on the 25^th you will be given one Communion Wafer adorned with a faint slice of black truffle served on a swaddled baby boy, whose birth name is Jesus (Birth certificate would be verified through my lawyers) and you’re promptly shown the door.

Merry Christmas Foodies!

With that being said, I have somehow never had the Candy Cane Chill Blizzard. It is described as “Peppermint candy pieces and choco chunks blended with creamy vanilla soft serve.” Fans of this frozen delight were up in arms a year ago when it was not brought back for the winter. This year, though, they can rest easy, because the Blizzard of the month for December is: you guessed it, Candy Cane Chill.

I made my way to the local DQ to do a taste test, although I was surely going to love this thing. I chose the Mini size, because I think it’s a perfect little serving. The prices are as follows: Mini – $2.59, Small – $3.09, Medium – $3.49, Large – $3.99. Mini is definitely the worst value, but when it’s below 40 degrees I’m not usually looking to load up on ice cream. Brace-face at the drive-thru window said it was his favorite Blizzard, for what it’s worth.

My first order of business once I was handed my minty masterpiece was to tip it upside down. I’m not sure what it says about the Blizzard that you can do this without making a mess, but I do it every time, because I can.

If I had to use one word to describe the Candy Cane Chill Blizzard, it would have to be a weird word, like scrumdiddlyumptious, because I like weird words. But really, ‘mmmmmm’ would be a more fitting description.

If you’ve ever had the peppermint ice cream with the little red candy bits in it, that’s basically what this is, plus chocolate. This Blizzard is not overly minty, if you’re worried about such things. In fact I thought it could use some extra peppermint flavor. The candy bits were more like candy granules, but I guess that’s a good thing; a candy cane shard Blizzard would be somewhat dangerous. Of course, the chocolate pieces were good too, adding an extra flavor element. The best part was the crunchiness; I can’t explain it, but there’s something I love about crunchy ice cream.

So I guess what I’m saying is, go get one of these NOW, and love it. Last one to DQ’s a rotten egg!

Advent Calendars may seem totally vanilla to us, but to other cultures it would induce plenty of head scratching. Why do Catholics commend property damage, breaking & entering and grand theft candy leading up until Christmas? That being said, we could easily shoulder shrug on why certain seasonal celebratory practices are performed around this great globe of ours.

Walt Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride has taught me that we should embrace our differences, open our minds to new cultural experiences and always remember that the Machines could rise up against us at any moment in the form or creepy, warbling, ethnically garbed robots.

I’ve collected just a few of these very unique celebrations around the world, both past and present. So now you can come off as a well spoken individual with many intriguing facts while trying to impress your significant others co-workers at his/her Holiday staff party.

Well, as best you can if it’s an open bar.

Japan Celebrates Christmas with the Colonel!

Fact: The Japanese like to get down with the Dirty Bird on the day of Baby Jesus’ birth.

It’s now become almost customary to grab a bucket from a local KFC in Japan on Christmas Day. In fact the demand on this one day is so astronomically high, many of the Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants take advance reservations.

If Ralphie’s parents in “A Christmas Story” could enjoy some freshly de-necked duck on the 25th at their local Chinese Restaurant, then why shouldn’t our Japanese friends gleefully devour Sadness Bowls after Santa swings past the East?

Heck, I’ve been celebrating Easter at Arby’s for years.

Flaming Raisins & Third Degree Burns

Extremely popular from the 16th to the 19th centuries, when no one had access to iPhones, WOW or online Porn, Snapdragons (or Flap dragons) is a long forgotten game I know Joe Rogan would eagerly add to the Fear Factor roster.

Hey Moms, Hey Dads! Grab the family and gather around the dining room table. Find a large wide shallow bowl and place it in the middle of said table. Take a large amount of raisins and scatter them into the bowl. Pour cognac or brandy onto the plate so that is covers the dried fruit. You see, up until now and if you enjoy raisins, this might seem like the beginning of a really kick-ass Holiday dessert.

Then it goes all Criss Angel.

So go right ahead and set fire to the pool of alcohol and dim those lights. Players then take turns attempting to pluck scalding raisins out of a burning liquid Hell and eating them as quickly as possible.

With their bare hands.

Snapdragon was played in England, Canada, and the United States and the blue flame dancing in the darkened room was said to be akin to a dragon’s blazing breath of fire. Others note that the pure enjoyment of the game was to watch the other participant’s contorted faces, which resembled demons as their turn came up and quickly scooped up the plump scalding fruit and extinguished it by closing their mouth.

Not surprisingly, when the novelty of seeing children being scorched via flaming fruit wore off, this game lost its flavor and quickly disappeared heading into the 20thcentury.

Both Food & Lionel Richie Like it on the Ceiling

A very messy tradition, food tossing in the Ukraine and Slovakia is observed at the beginning of Christmas Eve dinner. The patriarch of the family will start tossing “Loksa”, a traditional dish made of bread, water and poppy seed filling, towards the ceiling. The more Loksa that sticks on the ceiling would be seen as an increase in more plentiful, bountiful crops when the next harvest season came around.

I wonder if this is where stucco originates from.

The Pickle Ornament Conspiracy

History or an unverified Wikipedia chain tells us that the beloved pickle ornament was the last thing to be hung in the Christmas tree by German families, and was passed on through generations. It was to be hidden deep within the branches when hung, and the first lucky kid that could Where’s Waldo it, will receive a special gift in the morning of Christmas Day.

To this day you will be hard pressed to find someone of German descent who has heard of this historical tidbit, or the long honored tradition it revels in. In fact most Germans treat this as an Urban Legend or Myth.

The quaint story does however move plenty of glass pickle ornaments in the United States.

Caga Tio: Poop Log for Kids!

Back before you could run down to the local Wal-mart in Spain and purchase your very own prefab Caga Tio (Cacka-tee-oh), you would happily cut down a tree, gut it and craft a beautiful poop log for the entire family to enjoy.

Starting on the 8th of December, you begin to feed your Caga Tio. You also cover his rear end with a blanket to keep him warm and feed him delicious Turron and Orange peel. Apparently the more you feed him, the more Christmas presents he would defecate.

Yes, you read that correctly.

On Christmas Eve families excitedly place him near their fireplace and proceed to beat the poor soul repeatedly with a stick (Wood on Wood violence is wrong people) until he craps out nuts, candies and fruits. To make this ordeal even more humiliating for the pet log, the entire family would sit before the Caga Tio and sing a song that encouraged it to give up the goods, while the brutal assault ensued.

Once voided, the Children would look under the blanket once used to comfort and warm Caga Tio to discover and claim their Christmas gifts.

It’s as if someone commissioned David Lynch to come up with a Holiday tradition.

So the next time you gripe about having to spend the Holidays with your in-laws, think of Caga Tios plight. It could be plenty worse my friends.