While I have been trying to avoid all of those places for the same reasons, none of them were even a real option compared to the almighty golden arches. Outside of a hangover, where McDonalds cheeseburgers and a Coke are the thing I crave most, I don’t even really think about McDonald’s as an option to get something satisfying and delicious. So what is it about a stressful situation that drives me right into the loving arms of Ronald and friends?

What is the connection between fast food and comfort? Studies have shown that the same chemical processes in our bodies that lead to drug addiction, can be triggered by food, notably high fat, high salt/sugar foods.  Eating these foods can release dopamine and dopamine can induce reward seeking behavior. Once the association between high fat, high calorie foods and pleasure is made, it can be a hard habit to kick. Unfortunately just like continued drug use, when your body creates dopamine more often, the dopamine receptors in your body can get burned out from over use, which means it takes more dopamine (more food) to get the same reaction. Addiction similarities aside, it offers an explanation for the association between fast food and happiness, however brief that happiness may be.

Similar research shows that sleep deprivation and junk food can go hand in hand. The quick bursts of happiness produced by high fat foods can push you through a period of exhaustion, again reinforcing the connection between those foods and positive results. Considering how stressful exhaustion itself can be, it’s no wonder we crave foods that are bad for us when we are over tired.

As far as my own personal association between McDonalds and comfort goes, that is just my childhood. Burger King was around but never seemed to be in the right location for those times when fast food was the order of the day. I have such fond memories of McDonalds as a kid that even today, when I know a Shamrock shake would be enough to make me gag, I still have happy feelings when I think about them.  McDonalds breakfasts in particular hold a special place in my brain. An egg McMuffin, a crispy football of hash browns and a raspberry danish were a little slice of heaven. Does anyone else remember when McDonalds danishes got impaled on a device that looked like an iron maiden? Heated metal spikes were jammed into the bottom of the danish, making the whole thing uniformly hot and delicious without melting all of the icing off.  It was pretty magical to a young, plump lad.

Now it all makes sense, in a moment of stress, a lifetime of little bites of happiness brings  me right back to the place where it all began. And with that, I can forgive myself for enjoying it.

How about you, what is your go to junk food of choice when times get tough?

But while McDonald’s is at the pinnacle of the fast food world, they do some imitating of their own. For example, their McCafe line of beverages is a clear attempt to steal some customers from Starbucks; same goes for their recent restaurant renovations. Another example is their Southern Style chicken sandwiches, which are an obvious rip-off of Chick-Fil-A, right down to the pickle.

With McDonald’s food my opinion is generally that it’s ‘kinda good.’ Not all of their products are going to wow you, but they’re at fair prices, and they’re not turrible. Add the fact that there is seemingly a McDonald’s within every square mile in America and you have the top grossing restaurant chain in the country.

So that brings us to McDonald’s latest attempt at recreating a popular item in the fast food world: Chicken McBites.

Rolled out nationally last month, Chicken McBites are McDonald’s version of popcorn chicken, made famous by chains like KFC, Popeye’s, Sonic, and Arby’s. They come in three sizes: Snack size ($1.99), Regular ($2.99), and Shareable ($4.99). McDonald’s describes them as such:

Ready Steady Pop!  Bite through the satisfying crunch of poppable pieces of chicken made with premium breast meat.  They’re lightly breaded with a home-style flavor.  With the handy holder for your favorite sauce, one dip and you’ll experience the perfect tasting snack and a delicious new way to love chicken.

My initial reaction: they’re probably kinda good. I like chicken and I like dipping things, so I don’t see how it could go wrong.

I first heard of McBites quite a while ago and was kind of disappointed that they hadn’t yet been released in my area, so I was surprised when one day I rolled through to get my usual 2 McChickens and saw a promotional poster for McBites. I promptly ordered the regular size with ranch dip. At $2.99, it’s a pretty good value. I would estimate you’re getting  about 30 bites of chicken. The box also comes with a handy sauce holder.

But the real question is, how do they taste?!

My initial reaction was confirmed: they are indeed kinda good. They are nice and crunchy, although the breading does not have much flavor; just a bit of black pepper and maybe some salt. There really isn’t much chicken flavor either, which you can attribute to the lack of chicken.

As for the texture of the chicken, it doesn’t have the same weird sponginess of McNuggets, but it is also nowhere near as “real” as Chicken Selects.

The claims of ‘light breading’ are unfounded; I would say almost every McBite has more breading than chicken. They’re also quite dry and would be hard to eat without sauce. When I got to the bottom of the box there were a handful of crunchy bread pieces that were completely void of chicken. They were extremely dry, but once I covered them in ranch I didn’t care one bit.

When eating McBites, the sauce is very important because it’s really the only source of flavor. If you don’t like sauce you will not like McBites. I have eaten McBites about 4 times now, and tried them with different sauces every time.

Once I was feeling extra gluttonous and ordered the Shareable size. Do you ever order so much food that you feel like you have to pretend you’re not the only person in the car or else the employee will judge you? “Hey, person in the back seat, do you want anything? No, you just want to share? OK.” You haven’t done that? Me either.

Anyway, Ranch was my favorite sauce, because I love ranch. Chipotle BBQ comes in second, because it has a very good smoky flavor. Next comes Sweet n’ Sour, because salty and sweet is a great combination, although it should just be called Sweet, because there is no sour. Then Tangy BBQ; it’s definitely tangy but not great overall flavor. Honey Mustard comes in last, but I hate honey mustard so my opinion is invalid. But McBites are really just a new way for me to get Ranch into my mouth.

Overall, I give McDonald’s a C+ on McBites. They kind of half-assed this one, but luckily for them they can afford to do it because people like me will say they’re “kinda good,” and buy them because they’re cheap and McDonald’s is close-by.

For me, the main draw to McBites is the price. For $1.99, you get a nice snack; for $2.99 a meal (along with fries of course); and for $4.99, more McBites than you can eat by yourself. The other thing they’ve got going for them is this website, which is awesome. Dude reeeeeally loves McBites.

But if I’m craving popcorn chicken I still prefer KFC’s rendition, because they have chicken, and flavor (eleven herbs and spices, to be exact). If I’m at McDonald’s and craving chicken, I’ll still go with the McChicken or McNuggets.

Check back next Friday for my review of Taco Bell’s new breakfast menu!

Now, before this year, I had never heard of Firecracker Chicken. Asian food is not part of my regular diet, so I don’t frequent Panda Express. When Eick mentioned they had a coupon on their website to try Firecracker Chicken for free on the first day of Chinese New Year I was skeptical for that reason. That and I don’t generally eat many hot foods. Just the name of it made me cringe. But I figured there was no better way to celebrate the year of the dragon than with a mouthful of fire, so I went to my local Panda to get some free food.

The coupon was for a single serving, which is usually about $2. It seemed like a pretty small box, but it was a decent amount of chicken, especially for free. Firecracker Chicken is described as “tender marinated chicken breast, crisp red and yellow bell peppers and succulent onions … in a zesty firecracker sauce.” It also had a few black beans, and a dried chili pepper.

The verdict: this stuff is good. The chicken is nice and juicy, and is complemented well by the firecracker sauce. Chili powder definitely comes through in the sauce, which has a good amount of heat. The bell peppers and onions made it look nice and colorful but didn’t add much in the way of flavor. I was too much of a wimp to go near the dried pepper. This dish is really all about the chicken. As for the mouthful of fire, it wasn’t as hot as I expected. It’s hot, but it didn’t burn my mouth or lead me to drink an entire glass of water in one gulp. It was more of a tingling tongue than anything.

I recommend you mosey on down to Panda Express today, because as soon as the Chinese New Year celebration is over, so is Firecracker Chicken. That means February 6, by the way. Another option is to make it yourself. It’s a pretty simple recipe, which can be found here.

Gung hay fat choy!

Enter the Beefy Crunch Burrito. This burrito actually does include a new ingredient: Flamin’ Hot Fritos. Not to say I was excited to try it, but at least it’s something different. As shown in the commercial, it’s a beef burrito with rice, nacho cheese, sour cream, and Flamin’ Hot Fritos. For $.99, it seems like a bargain. Was it worth it?

The first thing I noticed was the size of this burrito. I was expecting it to be fairly small since it’s on the value menu, but it was about the same size as their other offerings. As far as overall flavor, not bad. The nacho cheese was the dominant flavor, and the beef played second fiddle. I could have done without the rice, it really didn’t contribute anything to this burrito. It was more filler than anything else.

The Flamin’ Hot Fritos, well, there weren’t many of them. They were crunchy at the ends of the burrito, but very soggy towards the middle. That can be attributed to the sour cream, which did do a nice job of cutting into the heat from the chips. I was a little relieved at the lack of Fritos, because I’m weak and hate hot foods. I like spicy, but I never understood why you would want plain heat. It adds no flavor, and takes away from others.

In all, the Beefy Crunch Burrito is OK. I maybe would’ve preferred beans instead of rice, they at least have some flavor. But in general I’ve read and heard a lot of positive feedback on the Beefy Crunch, so I guess I’m in the minority on this one. It’s definitely worth $.99 if you’re into Flamin’ Hot Fritos, so next time you’re craving Fourthmeal, go get the change from under your car seat and head to the Bell.

Much to my fast food geek delight, I gazed up at the drive thru order board heavens one morning, to be greeted by a deluge of signage heralding the birth of the new Oreos Cookies ‘N’ Cream baked pie. Joy! My giddy excitement turns to nervous apprehension. Would it surpass their S’mores pie from last year and its sweet-tooth imploding sugar overkill?

Only the snack food Gods & my window jockey Dwayne could provide me with the answer.

Since most fast food joints don’t seem to have an issues with serving dessert for breakfast now, as my many a soft serve cone Brunch can attest, obtaining a duo of piping hot pies was a snap.

The Pie crust is mercifully tame in sweetness, much like its cookie world counterpart. I award the most points to the crust, which thankfully possesses some crunchy give to it, again texturally evoking a Oreo cookie wafer. The filling, marshmallow in flavor still hints a slight nod to the Oreo frosting middle but in a smooth, flowing form. Its sweetness, a perfect foil to the exterior pie shell.

The Oreo Cookie’s ‘n’ Cream Pie begs to be partnered with a cold glass of milk. That’s right. You will contemplate buying milk at a McDonald’s. Your mind = blown.

The only negative thing to say is that I was slightly bummed by the tiny size of the pie. It’s certainly smaller in stature than its many predecessors. Of course my resentful disappointment could be directly related to how delicious these tasty treats turned out to be.

Also, be forewarned, you’ll never be able to go back to Oreo Cakesters after this.

It’s the 100th Birthday of the Oreo this year, and this value menu item (I scored 2 for $1.39 at my local Mickey D’s) is a nice roll out as part of the  celebration. Here’s hoping it finds a permanent place on the roster.

As I suspected this is a test market item, which may even be only in Canada as I write this. Have there been any more sightings out there to report? Keep So Good Nation in the loop!

Minhee Cho posted an image of a Papa John’s receipt on her Twitter, which called her “lady chinky eyes.” After receiving her order.

“Hey @ PapaJohns just FYI my name isn’t ‘lady chinky eyes,’” Cho tweeted.

Cho, a communications manager at investigative journalism group ProPublica, posted the above  photo of said receipt on her Twitter account Saturday morning.

These Un-PC pizza joint shenanigans have of course gone very viral since then, much to the dismay of Papa J Corporate.

An attempt at damage control in the Twitterverse was swift and in many cases Papa John’s answered on a tweet by tweet basis but inevitably the ‘Za giant mass assured everyone with the following: “We are very upset by recent receipt issue in New York & sincerely apologize to our customer. Franchise employee involved is being terminated.”

Sadly, often the most exciting trek I make into the diverse world of food culminates in an idling car, moments away from receiving a greasy sack of preformed meat or if lucky, some type of fast food frozen treat named after a devastating weather event.

But we who are given lemons must rally to see these sour offerings through to their full potential. While I do get to dine out and enjoy “High Society” on occasion, I like most, must play minesweeper with what there is to offer in the mass consumer consumption market today.

Those who follow me on twitter know that I do so with a furious proficiency when it comes to Food. Ok, Ok, some have threatened restraining orders. But I just can’t seem to pass up an opportunity to tweet the light fantastic on just about anything edible. Food just seems to provide so much better fodder.

Jumping on the already over capacity, end of year review bandwagon, I’ve picked my top 10 tweets from 2011 for your enjoyment. Please forgive me for any spelling mistakes in these tweets. Sometimes it’s tough typing while juggling a Whopper, Onion Rings, drink  and an iPhone.

If I found an ear in my six inch Meatball on white does that mean my #Subway Sandwich Artist was Van Gogh?

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) April 10, 2011

Thought about an Arby’s Beef Dip the other day but they were closed. Instead I bought a corner store sub & dipped it in a puddle. Same diff.

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) April 30, 2011

Four Pizza Delivery drivers involved in a mulit-car rear ending accident down the street. They’re calling it the Dominos Effect.

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) May 29, 2011

MacGyver Captain Crunch. Cut sand paper into half inch squares. Sprinkle with equal amount shards of glass & sugar. Apply to roof of mouth.

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) February 24, 2011

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When it gives you fruitcake? Regift. #Halifax

Cocoa Rice Krispie Treat rolled in crushed Nacho Cheese Doritos. This happened. #Halifax #noimnotstoned twitter.com/evilpez4/statu…

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) November 29, 2011

Not too long ago an aisle like this only existed in my dreams. Thank-you bacon.#Halifax twitter.com/evilpez4/statu…

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) November 25, 2011

Cocoa Rice Krispie Treat rolled in crushed Nacho Cheese Doritos. This happened. #Halifax #noimnotstoned twitter.com/evilpez4/statu…

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) November 29, 2011

Making a grilled cheese sandwich with 12 Grain & Oat bread is the same as making a hot fudge sundae out of cauliflower. #Halifax

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) November 22, 2011

As my Priest offered up a red velvet with buttercream as Communion I realized this cupcake trend is getting out of hand. #Halifax

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) October 23, 2011

So Burger King now serves Breakfast Poutine. Because that’s what my heart needs; a Snooze Button. #Halifax #thekingisdeadly

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) October 9, 2011

Had to tell the Jehovah Witness at my front door that I had already accepted Girl Guide Cookies into my life. #awkard

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) September 10, 2011

Link to full size image

Internationally, particularly in China, KFC is the dominant brand with items like a Dragon Twister and spicy tofu chicken rice, in addition to the usual fried chicken.  Burger King and Pizza Hut also have some international treats like the Golden Fortune Pizza in Malaysia.

This all got me to thinking, where are the international chains bringing their wares to the US? We have an ever expanding group of high end fast causal dining, from burgers to tacos to sausages and hot dogs, but there does not seem to be a major international player making in roads into the US. Certainly it is not because our plates are so refined that we simply don’t want more fast food. As late as 2009 the Top 400 restaurant chains in the US  are all US based.

More recently Tim Horton’s has made some significant inroads into the Northern US but it only boasts 600+ locations. That would fit it nicely in between Steak and Shake and Olive Garden in the US.

Where is my Slug and Lettuce or my Bacolod Chicken Inasal darn it!

Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I can get just about any type of food I want, even in the small city I live in, but I find it odd that our fast food may be considered a delicacy in other markets and we don’t have the same chance to make ourselves look foolish by oohing and aahing another countries exports.

Seriously Wendys, Wheres the Fois Gras?

This article got me thinking about some of the healthy,fast, alternatives you may encounter. Before we dig in to that, I just wanted to say, Detroit? really Detroit is the the healthiest airport? Color me shocked. I’m not sure I quite agree with the article’s definition of healthy but it works. Looking at the list of what is available in Detroit, I do wonder what you can get at the Heineken lounge, besides a skunky beer, that qualifies as healthy. Certainly in a larger airport you would expect to have a greater variety. Here in my local airport we have one terminal where everything is fried in batches through one machine. You want a hotdog? The bartender drops a hot dog into the hopper, presses a button and in a few minutes it drops from a chute in the bottom. Pretty awesome if you think about it but certainly not healthy. You can get a clam pack salad though.

OK so you can find something good to eat in an airport, but how about on the highways. Here in NY we have the NYS Thruway with its many lanes and frequent rest stops it is the way to travel if you are heading across a large swathe of New York State. Even with an Easy Pass, you never really want to get off of the thruway, so the rest areas are the stop of choice. There was an initiative to try to change over many of the restaurants along to way to something that might be a better, healthier alternative, but if you are stopping in scenic Sloatsburg you might be in trouble. The initiative seems to have stalled pretty badly.

At least you can get some good coffee.

If you look hard you find  some ways to make it work on the road, but if it’s not a regular thing. Go ahead have the Cinnabon

You’re probably not wondering what a Mac Snack Wrap is, because it’s pretty obvious, but in case you are, it’s a Big Mac inside of a tortilla. Well, part of a Big Mac. We all know (hopefully) that the Big Mac itself is

Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

The Mac Snack Wrap is basically that, except instead of two all beef patties, it’s one half of a patty, and instead of the famous three-part bun, it’s dumped in an unfortunate flour tortilla. How could a poor tortilla be subjected to such an awful fate? It never hurt anyone.

Anyway, last week McDonald’s was kind enough to send me a Big Mac t-shirt, and some cards for free Mac Snack Wraps. I’ll admit that I was really not looking forward to eating this thing, but if someone sends me free food, I am wont to eat it. Everything tastes better when it’s free. It’s a scientifically proven fact.* (*No it’s not.)

Now, personally, I’ve always liked the Big Mac. It’s not my favorite, but every once in a while I crave that sauce. Sometimes a simple McDouble with Mac Sauce will suffice, others I can’t do without the signature sandwich itself. The only thing I really like about it is the sauce, actually. The meat-to-everything-else ratio is quite low for my tastes, and I’m not a huge fan of their pickles, shredded lettuce, or tiny diced onions. Which is a good portion of the burger…you know, the more I talk about the Big Mac, I realize maybe I don’t like it as much as I thought. I’ve confused myself.

In my neck of the woods, the Big Mac costs $4.19, and the Mac Snack Wrap is $1.89. When you consider that the wrap has one quarter as much beef as the burger, it doesn’t seem like much of a value. That’s always been my problem with wraps in general. You’re never really getting value. I LOVE VALUE. Another thing I don’t get is that people actually think the wrap is healthier than the sandwich. But really it has less calories because it’s so much smaller. (The wrap has 330, compared to 510 in the Big Mac). Pay more to eat better, I guess. One positive that can come from the wrap is that it’s much easier to eat, which I think was the whole purpose of the trend in the first place. The Big Mac, for example can get pretty messy. Definitely not made for eating on the go. The wrap, however, has no mess whatseover. You really don’t even need a napkin. In our million miles-per-hour society, it seems like the perfect solution. Because who really has 5 minutes to eat a burger anymore?

So now that I’ve basically told you I was always going to hate this, I’ll tell you what I actually thought of the Mac Snack Wrap. It was horrible. As you can see in the picture, it looks like everything fell on the floor and was then scooped up and dumped into a tortilla.

It was reminiscent of a failure pile, but much less appetizing. It was cold, and the piece of meat tasted as though it had literally been sitting there all day. Like they cut the patties in half in the morning, and I was the first person to get one all day (I ordered around dinner time). It was dry, cold, and flavorless. As far as the other ingredients, they were just the same as usual. The problem is that the meat-to-other ingredients ratio is now even lower, because they put the same amount of special sauce, lettuce, pickles and onions as there are on the actual burger, but with half a patty. The other problem is that it’s TERRIBLE. Did I mention that? I don’t know why, but it just doesn’t have that same signature flavor of the Big Mac. This may be the worst thing I’ve ever eaten. A couple days later I considered going back and giving it one more shot; maybe this was an aberration. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The experience with the first one was so bad that I cringed at the thought of it.

So McDonald’s, thank you for not making me pay $1.89 to be mentally scarred for the rest of my days, which, if I ate any more of these, would be very limited.

And with all of that said, you probably want to try one for yourself now! Leave a comment on this post to be eligible to win. McDonald’s will send two winners a Big Mac t-shirt (actually kind of cool), and a card for a free Mac Snack Wrap. Suggested topics:

• Thoughts on the Mac Snack Wrap, or wraps in general
• Other uses for the Mac Snack Wrap
• Haiku about the Mac Snack Wrap or other wraps
• Anything else related! Be creative

Here are my haikus:

Dearest McDonald’s,

Mac Snack Wrap is total shit

But I like your fries.

Kim Jong-Il is dead

Because of the Mac Snack Wrap.

‘Merica, f–k yeah!