As you sit down to a table full of wings, chips, burgers and dips this SuperBowl Sunday, imagine being able to devour truck loads of these delicious items as a profession. Glamor, prestige & unlimited wet naps could be yours right?

Meet Crazy Legs Conti;  a man with one lofty goal in life. His dream? To one day become the epitome of guilt free gluttony by ruling the world of competitive eating circuits in the Good Old U S of A.

Years ago when the Fox network was starved for ratings (pun intended) and didn’t have twenty nights of American Idol programming, they would slap just about anything on the air. This was a magic time for lowest common denominator programming as “When Animals Attack”, “When Good Pets Go Bad” and “Man VS. Beast” flourished.

One of the last straws to break the good will camels back via this genre onslaught for Fox was the Glutton Bowl. A reality game show sanctioned  by the International Federation of Competitive Eating.  Let’s be honest here; any organization that has a soft serve cone as part of their official crest is too legit to quit.

Each episode was bulging with professional eaters being challenged to down whatever was placed in front of them. Butter. Miracle Whip, Vienna Sausages, Hobos.

Ok, ok I kid; there weren’t any competitions that involved Vienna Sausages.

While the Glutton Bowl only lasted as a two hour marathon of excess one classy night, mostly for concern that a regular series would result in the majority of repeat contestants dying from blocked arteries, the good old Yankee tradition of eating ones self to death carried forward with unwavering enthusiasm.

Crazy Legs’ journey to become a spokesperson for the world of competitive eating is not a pretty one my friends. That being said, it’s hard not to like this amiable scarfer and his die hard,  East meets West philosophy as it applies to the honed craft of consuming mass quantities of food in horrifyingly short amounts of time. He wields the same passion of any other seasoned athlete, who can inhale fourteen dozen oysters in under ten minutes.

You’ll feel little guilt as you cheer Conti on in his quest as he possesses a superhuman kind of freakish Jughead metabolism that keeps him comfortably away from obesity. A trait that the majority of champion human Hoovers seem to be blessed with.

Just to give you a better idea of what kind of sweet cash you can make with such a lucrative career path,  Crazy Legs makes ends meet by washing windows, posing nude for art classes and sharing a 20 square foot apartment with a surly Art student who seems to semi tolerate his non-stop binging practice sessions.

Travel with Conti to every backwoods, blue collar, get stabbed in an alleyway eating event as he crisscrosses the Country looking to build his reputation at regional events. His eye on the prize? First place at the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest. The culmination of the contests of speed and minimal chewing build to an epic showdown between Crazy Legs & his only true competition; 112 pound Champ Takeru Kobayash.

Kobayashi can eat one hotdog every 12 seconds with a patented double break and water soak approach. Once properly drenched in liquid, it’s argued if he actually chews the hot-dog but instead swallows them whole much like a boa constrictor. However a bit faster and with far less grace. In fact, watching a long line of grown, sweaty men stuff themselves silly with wet buns and tube steak is sometimes hard to watch.

Does Crazy Legs stand a chance?

A thoroughly enjoyable documentary that allows you a very unglamorous at times, inside look at the world of competitive eating. Crazy Legs deliciously enthusiastic passion for what he considers a legitimate sport makes for a fascinating view. It’ll leave you craving more.

Hot Dogs? Not so much.

However, in most cases, the slick selling charlatan smartly ditched town quickly in fear of being lynch mobbed, after the duped residents got wise, realizing that bottle of whiskey diluted with blackberry juice & egg shells wasn’t going to cure rabies.

It seems everyone and their Grandma seemed to have a favorite home remedy they claimed  looked after everything from headaches to plow rash. It should come as no surprise that so many of these cures stem from everyday items easily accessible in any little house on a prairie. Food being the most readily available in most cases. I’m sure many a desperate Pioneer women tried to MacGyver anything from turnip to back bacon if it meant ridding their child of chicken pox.

Thanks to the internet, one can now document the time line of outlandish homegrown cures from the dawn of time to the present day. Who needs all those years of pesky and costly education when you can just tell a desperate person online to stick a bulb of garlic in his ear to cut down on a bad case of hiccups? Google has enabled everyone to become a snake oils salesmen in their own right. The fact these tips for curing what ails you are now free  and in most cases anonymous just makes it decidedly more scarier. Telling people your Grandmother swore by it doesn’t make it any less crazy. For all I know she has eighty cats & home cures her dander allergies using butter and a Civil War era bugle.

But they do make for a hilarious read.

Black Ants For Your Pants

Still used in some parts of the world today, black ants are said to be a powerful aphrodisiac. Gather a good amount, dry them out & grind them up. It’s suggested that you mix the powder into wine. Apparently anyone who downs this magical potion will soon become ferociously enamored. I’m sure the wine doesn’t hurt the cause either.

Have a Wart? Get to a Butcher

This one stems from Europe. If you have a wart you want gone quickly, just grab a piece of meat and apply directly to the unsightly blemish. Take the said meat and bury it in the ground. As it deteriorated and rots in the ground, the wart should subside directly. I also suggest Oscar Meyer bologna for cold sores.

Hangover Cure That Makes You Say – EWE!

According to historical notes, after pillaging, murdering and too much libation, Genghis Kahn and his troops would eat pickled sheep’s eyeballs and wash it down with a mixture of brine and tomato juice. Hmm, maybe the Bloody Mary originates from this Fear Factor worthy recipe.

Why Not Just Pee on It?

GoodHousekeeping.com notes that if you get stung by a jellyfish while enjoying a day at the beach, vodka will disinfect the wound, thus alleviating any discomfort by applying it directly over the affected area. I would imaging drinking a few shots of Grey Goose would easily ensure you’re no longer bothered by the sting either. Just saying.

Nose Bleed? Penny For Your Thoughts

Back in the Pioneer Days, when someone came down with a severe nose bleed, the town Doctor would always suggest this no fail remedy. Take 1 penny and place between the patients upper lip and teeth. It’s documented that this worked religiously.

 Onion Glad that Earache is Gone?

The Big Doctor’s Book of Home Remedies cites that cutting an Onion in half and baking at 350 degrees will help rid you of that nagging earache. When it’s soft, wrap it in a towel and hold over your ear. It helps draw out the infection and works great on babies, who don’t have to go to work and worry about being shunned by fellow employees because your head smells like a funky Greek salad. Another popular old fashioned use for a onion was to slice it in half, place it in a bowl of water so it would draw the sickness in the house away from everyone else. Classic.

Willy Wonka’s Corny Foot Mix

Do your feet resemble the sun damaged corinthian leather interior of  a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba? Head on down to the candy shop! Licorice contains estrogen-like substances that soften the hard skin of calluses and corns,” says the Institute of Whole Health. Make this homemade licorice paste: Grind up some black licorice, mix them with ½ teaspoon of petroleum jelly, and rub the mixture into the rough areas of your feet. Oompa Loompa approved!

No Need to Old Yeller That Feller

Did your dog swallow something he shouldn’t have? Marble, Lego Block etc? Evidently all dogs can go to heaven from this. Don’t worry about an expensive vet visit though. Just cut some ham up into cubes about 1 to 3 inches square, depending on the size of the dog. Allow the dog to eat as much as he will eat of the ham, then allow to drink as much water as he will. This bloats the ham they have eaten like a dry sponge in their stomach and will usually force any object out the cheap and easy way.

Give Sassafras a Chance

From a book of old Pioneer remedies comes this gem. Ladies if you are on bad terms with the husband, take an ample amount of sassafras root, steep in a pint of water and fill a bottle. When he comes back into the kitchen (this is from a book – please don’t direct angry “sexist” comments to me) take the biggest swig of this brew possible and hold it in your mouth until he goes away. A sure cure it says. Year later this remedy would be replaced by Couples counseling.

Sadly, often the most exciting trek I make into the diverse world of food culminates in an idling car, moments away from receiving a greasy sack of preformed meat or if lucky, some type of fast food frozen treat named after a devastating weather event.

But we who are given lemons must rally to see these sour offerings through to their full potential. While I do get to dine out and enjoy “High Society” on occasion, I like most, must play minesweeper with what there is to offer in the mass consumer consumption market today.

Those who follow me on twitter know that I do so with a furious proficiency when it comes to Food. Ok, Ok, some have threatened restraining orders. But I just can’t seem to pass up an opportunity to tweet the light fantastic on just about anything edible. Food just seems to provide so much better fodder.

Jumping on the already over capacity, end of year review bandwagon, I’ve picked my top 10 tweets from 2011 for your enjoyment. Please forgive me for any spelling mistakes in these tweets. Sometimes it’s tough typing while juggling a Whopper, Onion Rings, drink  and an iPhone.

If I found an ear in my six inch Meatball on white does that mean my #Subway Sandwich Artist was Van Gogh?

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) April 10, 2011

Thought about an Arby’s Beef Dip the other day but they were closed. Instead I bought a corner store sub & dipped it in a puddle. Same diff.

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) April 30, 2011

Four Pizza Delivery drivers involved in a mulit-car rear ending accident down the street. They’re calling it the Dominos Effect.

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) May 29, 2011

MacGyver Captain Crunch. Cut sand paper into half inch squares. Sprinkle with equal amount shards of glass & sugar. Apply to roof of mouth.

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) February 24, 2011

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When it gives you fruitcake? Regift. #Halifax

Cocoa Rice Krispie Treat rolled in crushed Nacho Cheese Doritos. This happened. #Halifax #noimnotstoned twitter.com/evilpez4/statu…

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) November 29, 2011

Not too long ago an aisle like this only existed in my dreams. Thank-you bacon.#Halifax twitter.com/evilpez4/statu…

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) November 25, 2011

Cocoa Rice Krispie Treat rolled in crushed Nacho Cheese Doritos. This happened. #Halifax #noimnotstoned twitter.com/evilpez4/statu…

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) November 29, 2011

Making a grilled cheese sandwich with 12 Grain & Oat bread is the same as making a hot fudge sundae out of cauliflower. #Halifax

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) November 22, 2011

As my Priest offered up a red velvet with buttercream as Communion I realized this cupcake trend is getting out of hand. #Halifax

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) October 23, 2011

So Burger King now serves Breakfast Poutine. Because that’s what my heart needs; a Snooze Button. #Halifax #thekingisdeadly

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) October 9, 2011

Had to tell the Jehovah Witness at my front door that I had already accepted Girl Guide Cookies into my life. #awkard

— Andy Bowers (@evilpez4) September 10, 2011

Now being someone who enjoys the wide world of food, there has been many an item that has made its way into my possession via good intentions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about kitsch value. I’d be the first pre-schooler at “Show and Tell” trying to top all would be challengers with some absurd item procured from by Grandparents house. However due to size constraints in my kitchen work space there is a need to vote even the most uniquely weird item off the island if there is no true functionality to it.

Sure, it’s the thought that counts but if the thought comes with the receipt? This is the scenario I prefer and helps the fake smile I flash a tad more real.

As someone who may come off with a slight case of anti-seasonal disorder I never frown on gift cards. To some receiving a gift card comes off as impersonal and may say “Do it yourself.” To me it says “Do it yourself correctly, the first time”

Here are but a few I have managed to thankfully return or re-gift over the years. A word of note: If you have received gifts from me in the past and recognize an item on this list?

Better than socks right?

Egg Cuber

Regardless of the shape it’s still going to create the same awkward moments in your office building’s elevator.

Hog Wild Twirling Spaghetti Fork

This is one of the laziest items I’ve ever received. I know it’s a gag gift but if the movie Wall-e has proven anything, this type of low impact utensil will one day be accepted by the masses before we shift to direct food enemas.

Microwave S’mores Center

Unless you can also live in fear of a random bear attack or being covered head to toe by ticks and / or poison oak, all charm is lost on a nuked glob of sugar & crackers.

Tic-Tac-Toast

I think I’ll wait for Corndog Hangman thanks.

Block Head Knife Holder

I would not be surprised if this item was co-created by someone responsible for the Saw movies.

The Easy Pour Bottle Holder

If the Mountain Dew ain’t rockin’, Come on knockin’! This item is the official poster child for Landfills.

Condiment Gun

Be careful with this device. I accidentally loaded mine up with Spicy Mustard instead of French’s at an office BBQ. I was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. Jim in accounting lost an eye.

Pizza Scissor Server Tool

Hey there! Pizza Cutter and Spatula just called. They wanted to let you know there’s only one tool in this scenario. That being the chump who bought this waste of utensil drawer space.

Voodoo Toothpick Dude

From the Final Destination line of Kitchen Gadgets.

Doggie Butt Dish Towel Holder

The instructions are even more disturbing than the concept.

“Alan was visited by three ghosts, the last being the most awkward.”

I think it was someone in the Bible, or a Family Circus cartoon that said “Ask and ye shall receive!”

As the Holiday season is now breathing down our collective necks, what better time to share interesting and festive recipes from some of the most iconic Christmas Characters known to Pop Culture? I managed to procure an advanced copy of Horper / Cullins “Holiday Special All Stars Cookbook” which won’t be released until next year due to numerous copyright infringement lawsuits, mostly from Ebenezer Scrooge & the Grinch estates.

Inside you’ll find such interesting fare as Clarke Griswold’s “Cousin Eddie’s Egg Nog”, Scrooge’s “Three French Toasts of Christmas”, Charlie Brown’s “Good Grief Holiday Peanuts Brittle” and many more!

I’ve posted a few for your consideration.

If you’re looking for something different to serve this time of year, pick one of these seasonal offerings that would please the crankiest of food critics in Who-ville. Even Ralphie’s kid brother, the pickiest of eaters would gleefully Oink out on any of these recipes.

These recipes are real, tried and tested. I did not make them up or have them provided to me via a mysterious talking tree I sat down beside at the Mall during my last minute sleep deprived, power drink fueled, shopping marathon. You can feel good in choosing any of these delicious selections and give Martha Stewart a run for her money. I mean she has way more money than you but you didn’t serve jail time. That I know of.

Bon Appetite!

The Grinch’s Devilish Who-Ville Turkey

Our favorite emerald master of break and enter with a heart that fluctuates in size annually (He should really see a Doctor) presents us with a spicy spin on the traditional roast beast found on Holiday Dinner tables.

Ingredients

•   1 onion, chopped
•   1 (12 ounce) jar roasted red peppers, drained and chopped
•   1 cup whiskey
•   1/2 cup minced garlic
•   1 (22 pound) whole turkey, neck and giblets removed
•   1 (7 ounce) can chipotle chilies in adobo sauce
•   roasting bag for a large turkey

Directions

1.  Preheat an oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
2.  Stir together the onion, roasted red peppers, whiskey, and garlic and place this mixture inside the cavity of the bird. Mince chipotle peppers in a food processor until about the consistency of spaghetti sauce. Rub half of the chipotles on the outside of the turkey, and place the rest inside the bird cavity. Place turkey in a roasting bag; close the bag according to the bag directions, and place onto a roasting pan.
3.  Bake the turkey in the preheated oven until no longer pink at the bone and the juices run clear, about 3 1/2 hours. An instant-read thermometer inserted into the thickest part of the thigh, near the bone should read 180 degrees F (82 degrees C). Remove the turkey from the oven, and allow to rest in a warm area 10 to 15 minutes before slicing.

A Christmas Story presents: Randy’s Deep Fried Mashed Potatoes

Your Mom won’t have to trick your little brother into thinking he’s a little piggy in order to get him to eat these deep fried cheesy starch bombs of awesomeness! They’re fudging great!

Ingredients:

• 2 cups mashed potatoes
• salt and pepper , to taste
• cheese , any type (optional)

For The Batter

• 1/2 cup flour
• 1 egg
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup milk
• oil (for deep frying)

Directions:

1.  Make mashed potatoes into golf –ball or small ball size.
2.  Add cheese per taste
3.  Freeze for 2 hours or more.
4.  Mix together the flour, milk, egg and salt to make the batter.
5.  Gently dip mashed potato balls into batter, being careful that all exposed potato is coated with batter.
6. Deep fry in hot oil until golden brown.

Frosty’s Killer Candy Cane Ice-Cream in a Bag

There must have been some magic in that those two Ziploc bags you use to create this delicious and quick chilly snack with a minty seasonal kick of peppermint candy canes. Naw, it’s just science.

Ingredients:

•  1/2 cup half-and-half
•   1 tablespoon sugar
•   1/4 teaspoon vanilla
•   1 sandwich ziploc bag
•   1 gallon ziploc bag
•   3 cups crushed ice
•   1/3 cup rock salt
•   crushed candy canes

Directions:

1.  Put first 3 ingredients in the smaller Ziploc bag and seal bag (Make sure it is tightly closed!)
2.  Put ice and rock salt in the larger bag and then add the filled small bag. Seal the large bag.
3.  Squeeze bag until ice cream is thickened, about 10-15 minutes.
4.  Remove small bag, unseal, stir in crushed candy canes and eat with spoon
5.  No need to even dirty a bowl!

Bonus Pet Recipe!
Yukon Cornelius’s Minty Christmas Tree Dog Biscuits

Regardless if your team of North Pole loving dogs are stoic Huskies, virile German Shepherds’ or a Hodge podge of poodles and pugs, everybody likes fresh minty breath when it comes time to an obligatory lick-fest. Yukon says you can always substitute parsley in this recipe, but true men go the extra mile to find some mint when it comes to honoring Man’s Best Friend.

Ingredients:

•   2 Tablespoons Chopped Mint Leaves (Can also use parsley)
•   3/4 Cup Skim milk
•   1 Egg
•   1 Tablespoon Honey
•   3 Tablespoons Canola Oil
•   2 Tablespoons Wheat germ
•   1 Tablespoon Brewer’s Yeast
•   1 1/2 Cups Whole Wheat Flour

Instructions:

1. Add milk, egg, honey, oil, and mint to large mixing bowl and whisk together.
2. Add wheat germ and brewer’s yeast and stir together until well blended. Mix in wheat flour 1/4 cup at a time until stiff dough forms.
3. Place on floured surface and roll to desire thickness. Cut out using Christmas Tree cookie cutter. Bake at 300 degrees. If rolled to 3/8″ baking time is 30 to 35 minutes or until a golden brown.

Tip: After shutting off the oven I leave the dog biscuits in the oven for a couple hours to make sure they are completely dry and crunchy. Then they can be stored for a long time without worrying about spoilage.

Bonus Recipe for Large Families!
The Three Wisemen Stuffed Camel

“If he was to be dinner,he vowed to take at least one of them with him.”

Forget expensive ingredients like gold, frankincense and myrrh. This recipe is heavy on flavor and ironically water. Sure it might take some work to procure the camel but that’s what lax, bribable government officials in the import / export departments are for. Besides, you cook one of these and the neighborhood eats for a week. Now who’s the King?

Ingredients:

• 1 whole camel, medium size
• 1 whole lamb, large size
• 20 whole chickens, medium size
• 60 eggs
• 12 kilos rice
• 2 kilos pine nuts
• 2 kilos almonds
• 1 kilo pistachio nuts
• 110 gallons water
• 5 pounds black pepper
• Salt to taste

Directions:

1. Skin, trim and clean camel (once you get over the hump), lamb and chicken.
2. Boil until tender.
3. Cook rice until fluffy.
4. Fry nuts until brown and mix with rice.
5. Hard boil eggs and peel. Stuff cooked chickens with hard boiled eggs and rice.
6. Stuff the cooked lamb with stuffed chickens.
7. Add more rice.
8. Stuff the camel with the stuffed lamb and add rest of rice.
9. Broil over large charcoal pit until brown.
10. Spread any remaining rice on large tray and place camel on top of rice.
11. Decorate with boiled eggs and nuts.
12. Serves friendly crowd of 80-100.

Foodies take this simple enjoyment of a good meal to a level far beyond what any normal diner could fathom. To them, each meal must be elevated to deity status upon consumption. To be on the same plain as a Foodie you almost have to see God with each bite. They’d probably give an arm or leg for the ability to Vulcan mind meld with a lobster crusted filet mignon in port reduction. Then analyze, photograph, tweet & post each forkful on Facebook. Foodies know more about their next meal then they do their own families.

“Keep those plates coming Mama!”

As the Foodie masses seem to be growing exponentially each day, second only to Hipsters & much to the chagrin of chefs & wait staff worldwide,  I knew there could be a very lucrative niche opportunity for creating an insanely decadent multi-course meal aimed right at this seemingly insatiable demographic of foi gras- it -alls.

What better time of year to offer up a sumptuous barrage of dishes so decadent and ridiculous no Foodie could say Non to bon appetiting the Hell out of it?

I give to you my “12 Days of Christmas Dinner” which puts a culinary spin, or reimagining if you will, on each of those famous lines in the enduring Holiday song.

A twelve course Holiday Dinner served over 12 hours, this meal would be offered only once.  It would begin at Noon on December 24^th of 2012 and culminate at the stroke of Midnight.  I have already patented this meal and hold all copyrights to the concept and recipes within. Participants would be screened and must possess the ability to describe the experience of eating a piece of Melba toast in no less than 50,000 words & 80 pictures.

As I cannot legally serve Human I had to strike fresh Drummer, Pipers, Lords et al from the line-up. So I adapted accordingly.

I’ve analyzed each plate serving, taking into consideration the funds needed to procure all ingredients, bribes and manpower to achieve only the top shelf results.  All Foodies must sign a waiver that states they are to live blog about each dish with ample time provided between courses to post badly lit photos.

The cost per sitting would work out to $10,050.00. This would equate to $837.50 per course. This meal would be served upon a 120 seating table fashioned from a giant redwood tree and staged within a 100% authentic recreation of the Bethlehem Manger scene.

Here for your consideration Dear Foodie, is my masterpiece.

Twelve Drummers Drumming

Drumsticks procured from only the plumpest of free range and certified endangered peacocks are lightly dusted with a combination of gold dust, flour and cayenne pepper and plunged into a vat of boiling penguin fat. Served with a side dressing of Water Buffalo Wing Sauce and set within a basket containing shredded pages of original newspapers printed on day the Titanic sank.

Eleven Pipers Piping

We tracked down the remaining sheep that appeared in the movie “Babe” and created a trio of haggis. One stuffed with Yorkshire pudding with was made by the fellow who plays Roy on Coronation Street. The next contains an edible recreation of the script from the feature film “Trainspotting” hand written on rice paper by Monks and swimming in a mixture of curried fish and chips.  Finally the third haggis contains Spam. Which will be hand fed to you the surviving Monty Python troupe member of your choice.

Ten Lords a-Leaping

Coffee cherries consumed, then defecated by the Asian Palm Civet, are dry roasted and finely ground. A dry rub is created by combining said grinds with dried ghost peppers & cumin. Free range frogs, raised by the cast of History Channel’s “Swamp People” specifically for this dinner will be flown in that day so the legs are at their freshest. Once coated with the rub, these limbs will be flash fried in a skillet of Menthol flavor Chewing Tobacco infused Olive Oil. Finally, they are served atop of a trucker hat once worn by BJ and or the Bear.

Nine Ladies Dancing

We paid Bill Gates to work on creating a time machine so we could send Iron Chef Bobby Flay & his pet dog, dressed as Stewie and Brian from “Family Guy” back to 15th century at the court of the Duchy of Savoy at the very instant the very first tray of Lady Fingers are being taken out of the oven. Once back in 2012, they will be briskly plated while still hot and topped with a whiskey vanilla whipped cream, rum pickled cherries & 210% Ecuadorian dark chocolate drizzle.

 Eight Maids a-Milking

We pay eight Rockefeller Center Rockettes to blow off their final Christmas evening engagements so that they can milk eight lactating Egyptian Fruit Bats on site. This incredibly potent and concentrated milk is processed into one very small block of bat cheese. This is then sliced incredibly thin using a working laser on loan from George Lucas and then draped over a kumquat and served by C3-P0 (I have Anthony Daniels on retainer)

Seven Swans a-Swimming

A large ceramic bowl of consommé is wheeled out to the diners. It will be served tableside. In this broth we have essence of caviar, Kobe beef and vodka mixed with frankincense, and myrrh. Within the vessel is Black Swan actress Natalie Portman, wearing the original Princess Leia slave dress which appears in the film Return of the Jedi. She will be dispensing freshly ground Dead Sea salt and white peppercorns at upon request.

Six Geese a-Laying

We present a rich pate culled from the livers of six geese that have been fed nothing but a steady diet of Shortbread cookies and Glenfarclas 1955, 50 years old Scotch soaked fruit cake for four months. This rich offering is served with a side of saltine crackers as you watch Pauley Shore and Carrot Top dressed as Mother Goose and Daffy Duck respectively, fight to the death.

 Five Golden Rings

We take organically grown Vidalia onions, slice them thickly, submerge in eggnog wash and then dredge through a mixture of dried Italian White Alba Truffles and flour. Deep Fried in a gold plated fryer obtained from the House of Hussein auction, this course will be served to you by International Olympic Committee member Henry Kissinger as he wears the Burger King “King” mascot costume.

 Four Calling Birds

We select only the most talkative birds for this dish. In the style of a turducken, we stuff a canary inside a parrot, inside a cockatoo. Finally we insert all three into a Toucan that has been fed nothing but Fruit Loops. Wrapped in strips of veal, the Touparrcanpoo is braised in a red wine and gold leaf reduction for ten hours by Sesame Street’s Big Bird.

 Three French Hens

A trio of Hens of proven French heritage and raised solely on top of the Eiffel Tower will be fed a mixture of Matsutake mushroom (the rarest and most expensive mushroom in the World) and butter. Once the trio of birds have fattened and passed away from natural causes (high blood pressure), they are plucked and truffle oil is liberally applied. They’re then thrown in a burlap sack and buried in the country side outside Paris. A pig will be employed to sniff out this bag. Once retrieved, the hens will be stitched together ala Human Centipede, stuffed with eleven herbs and spices and then placed inside the pig that discovered them. Roasted in a charcoal pit, the dish is served with apple chutney and new potato mash.

 Two Turtle Doves

Turtles, having subsisted on a steady diet of dove for no less than one year are served in a cream and butter based broth with hints of mint, cinnamon & cloves.  Added to this rich chowder is every type of fish that appears in the Pixar animated movie “Finding Nemo”.

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree

All surviving members of the Partridge Family will reunite for one night only. They will be serving a dessert of braised pear in a cognac reduction. The pear has been stuffed with candied berries acquired from the highest peak in the Swiss Alps and tied together with strands of Donald Trump’s golden locks. Danny Bonaduce, sporting a partridge costume will sit  precariously atop a reinforced pear tree as diners are handed large slabs of Wagyu steak to throw at the unemployed actor. The person who successfully dislodges Mr. Bonaduce from his perch will be given the Guinness World Record endorsed and published distinction as Greatest Foodie in the World.

At 12:01am on the 25^th you will be given one Communion Wafer adorned with a faint slice of black truffle served on a swaddled baby boy, whose birth name is Jesus (Birth certificate would be verified through my lawyers) and you’re promptly shown the door.

Merry Christmas Foodies!

Advent Calendars may seem totally vanilla to us, but to other cultures it would induce plenty of head scratching. Why do Catholics commend property damage, breaking & entering and grand theft candy leading up until Christmas? That being said, we could easily shoulder shrug on why certain seasonal celebratory practices are performed around this great globe of ours.

Walt Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride has taught me that we should embrace our differences, open our minds to new cultural experiences and always remember that the Machines could rise up against us at any moment in the form or creepy, warbling, ethnically garbed robots.

I’ve collected just a few of these very unique celebrations around the world, both past and present. So now you can come off as a well spoken individual with many intriguing facts while trying to impress your significant others co-workers at his/her Holiday staff party.

Well, as best you can if it’s an open bar.

Japan Celebrates Christmas with the Colonel!

Fact: The Japanese like to get down with the Dirty Bird on the day of Baby Jesus’ birth.

It’s now become almost customary to grab a bucket from a local KFC in Japan on Christmas Day. In fact the demand on this one day is so astronomically high, many of the Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants take advance reservations.

If Ralphie’s parents in “A Christmas Story” could enjoy some freshly de-necked duck on the 25th at their local Chinese Restaurant, then why shouldn’t our Japanese friends gleefully devour Sadness Bowls after Santa swings past the East?

Heck, I’ve been celebrating Easter at Arby’s for years.

Flaming Raisins & Third Degree Burns

Extremely popular from the 16th to the 19th centuries, when no one had access to iPhones, WOW or online Porn, Snapdragons (or Flap dragons) is a long forgotten game I know Joe Rogan would eagerly add to the Fear Factor roster.

Hey Moms, Hey Dads! Grab the family and gather around the dining room table. Find a large wide shallow bowl and place it in the middle of said table. Take a large amount of raisins and scatter them into the bowl. Pour cognac or brandy onto the plate so that is covers the dried fruit. You see, up until now and if you enjoy raisins, this might seem like the beginning of a really kick-ass Holiday dessert.

Then it goes all Criss Angel.

So go right ahead and set fire to the pool of alcohol and dim those lights. Players then take turns attempting to pluck scalding raisins out of a burning liquid Hell and eating them as quickly as possible.

With their bare hands.

Snapdragon was played in England, Canada, and the United States and the blue flame dancing in the darkened room was said to be akin to a dragon’s blazing breath of fire. Others note that the pure enjoyment of the game was to watch the other participant’s contorted faces, which resembled demons as their turn came up and quickly scooped up the plump scalding fruit and extinguished it by closing their mouth.

Not surprisingly, when the novelty of seeing children being scorched via flaming fruit wore off, this game lost its flavor and quickly disappeared heading into the 20thcentury.

Both Food & Lionel Richie Like it on the Ceiling

A very messy tradition, food tossing in the Ukraine and Slovakia is observed at the beginning of Christmas Eve dinner. The patriarch of the family will start tossing “Loksa”, a traditional dish made of bread, water and poppy seed filling, towards the ceiling. The more Loksa that sticks on the ceiling would be seen as an increase in more plentiful, bountiful crops when the next harvest season came around.

I wonder if this is where stucco originates from.

The Pickle Ornament Conspiracy

History or an unverified Wikipedia chain tells us that the beloved pickle ornament was the last thing to be hung in the Christmas tree by German families, and was passed on through generations. It was to be hidden deep within the branches when hung, and the first lucky kid that could Where’s Waldo it, will receive a special gift in the morning of Christmas Day.

To this day you will be hard pressed to find someone of German descent who has heard of this historical tidbit, or the long honored tradition it revels in. In fact most Germans treat this as an Urban Legend or Myth.

The quaint story does however move plenty of glass pickle ornaments in the United States.

Caga Tio: Poop Log for Kids!

Back before you could run down to the local Wal-mart in Spain and purchase your very own prefab Caga Tio (Cacka-tee-oh), you would happily cut down a tree, gut it and craft a beautiful poop log for the entire family to enjoy.

Starting on the 8th of December, you begin to feed your Caga Tio. You also cover his rear end with a blanket to keep him warm and feed him delicious Turron and Orange peel. Apparently the more you feed him, the more Christmas presents he would defecate.

Yes, you read that correctly.

On Christmas Eve families excitedly place him near their fireplace and proceed to beat the poor soul repeatedly with a stick (Wood on Wood violence is wrong people) until he craps out nuts, candies and fruits. To make this ordeal even more humiliating for the pet log, the entire family would sit before the Caga Tio and sing a song that encouraged it to give up the goods, while the brutal assault ensued.

Once voided, the Children would look under the blanket once used to comfort and warm Caga Tio to discover and claim their Christmas gifts.

It’s as if someone commissioned David Lynch to come up with a Holiday tradition.

So the next time you gripe about having to spend the Holidays with your in-laws, think of Caga Tios plight. It could be plenty worse my friends.

What’s the allure of a drink that smells like a stagnant pool of pre-cooked omelet and often has the consistency of gravy? Why do people stock their refrigerators like an A&E Hoarders case study with carton upon carton of a beverage comprised primarily of eggs and heavy cream?

One cup of store-bought eggnog contains 343 calories (with half coming from fat), 19 grams of fat (of which 11 grams are saturated fat), and over 150 mg of cholesterol. Why not just eat a stick of butter while juggling three loaded guns? That seems less dicey than a steady Holiday diet of Eggnog.

Regardless of those cringe inducing stats, Americans dig their nog. A business research report conducted by Indiana University in 2007 found eggnog consumption nationwide was 122 million pounds. Pretty hefty volume for something primarily enjoyed over a three month period at best.

A Brief History of Nog

The origin of eggnog is hotly debated. Ok, perhaps that’s an exaggeration. I’m sure it’s fiercely discussed at Amish dinner tables or quilting bees after they run out of butter churning stories.

Eggnog stems from various spirited incarnations from the “Old World” which featured drinks consisting of punches made by combining wine and milk.

In medieval 14th century, men sitting around a fire, looking to warm their bones would often enjoy an easily prepared cocktail called posset. While not originally containing eggs, The Oxford Dictionary describes it as “a drink made of hot milk curdled with ale, wine, or the like, often sweetened and spiced’. It’s only until later where variations of the beverage began to see eggs added to the mix.

As the egg based posset became popular with the English, the rising costs and unavailability of milk and eggs, coupled by the pricey spirits used to spike the drink resulted in a beverage ultimately enjoyed by only the upper echelons of society.

When the recipe made its way across the pond to the New World, it steadily grew in popularity with the Colonists. This stemmed from milk and eggs being more accessible and at a substantially lower cost. They also began substituting the wine and sherry originally used in Europe with rum.

Lots of rum.

Back then the word “Grog” was often used to describe rum. So most believe this beverage comprised primarily of eggs and rum gradually evolved to the word eggnog we use today.

Another take on the word eggnog predates the “Grog” origin. Some believe it was derived partially from “Noggin”, a word used to describe a small carved wooden mug used to serve drinks at local taverns. It’s from these taverns that some say the Noggin filled with a mixture of Spanish Sherry and milk helped in another step to creating the term we know today.

Getting’ Noggy with it. Bits & Bites:

• Recipes for basic homemade eggnog dating back over a century ago 1 dozen egg yolks, 2 to 3 quarts of heavy cream, 1 quart whole milk, rum to taste, Sugar to taste.

• Standard store bought ingredients today: milk, cream, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, egg yolks, fat free milk, natural and artificial flavors, guar gum, salt, carrageenan, mono & diglycerides, red 40, yellow 5 & 6.

• President George Washington was a huge fan of eggnog. He put his own high spirited spin on the recipe by fortifying it with rum, rye whiskey and sherry. It was said you had to be of strong will and gut to get through his booze fortified White House version.

• Early American cookbooks listed eggnog recipes in sections for the sick and infirm. Ironically, these days it’s regulated and closely watched by the FDA due to risk of salmonella poisoning via raw eggs.

• Starbucks has offered their eggnog latte every year since October 1986.

• Online terms often associated with people having an unhealthy passion when it comes to the beverage include: Eggnogger, Eggnogiac, Eggnogstic, or Eggnogaholic.

• In Season 7 of Iron Chef America an episode featured Egg Nog as the secret ingredient.

• High-school runners in the Sacramento area began a traditional eggnog mile in December 2007. If you guessed that jogging while drinking rich copious cups of heavy cream and eggs would prove disastrous, you’d be correct.

• In Quebec, Canada the French translation on eggnog cartons read “lait de poule“ that when reverted back to English means “juice of chicken.” I suspect they don’t sell too much eggnog in Quebec.

Truly, the Mall should have its place in the Smithsonian.

Back in 1974, someone struck gold when they theorized that these herds of shoppers may want to rest their weary feet and at the same time quickly refuel before continuing on their vision quest to Old Navy or Kohl’s. Thus, the Food Court was born.

The Food Court is the Malls take on Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride. There’s a broad spectrum of ethnicity offered, there’s ridiculously awful music pumped in over speakers and you get blank robotic stares from the employees.

Truly there is something for everyone. That’s as long as that something is deep fried or on a stick. Of course I may be exaggerating a tad. I know the fast food industry continuously develops new and exciting items that are quick to prepare and consume, thus getting our ever growing assets in and out of those plastic seats quicker than ever.

As Black Friday is almost upon us, here are some Tips to maximizing your time spent at the Court. This is for the true shopper. They, the few who brave the crowds starting from the wee hours of the morning and keep on trucking right up until either the Mall closes or their legs and/or hearts give out.

If you thought the lines to get into the Mall were crazy, try overtaking the last Food Court seat available from an elderly lady with a cane while balancing a bucket of Panda Express on a plastic tray. None shall pass.

• Stores welcome people carrying in beverages like a China Shop enjoys a tour bus full of Bulls pulling up outside their establishment. To avoid scowls and possible banishment bring one of those camel packs used by marathon runners and mountain bike folk. Asking a Barista from Starbucks to pour a Venti double shot into one of these would probably be a welcomed change of pace from doling out Grande Skinny Egg Nog lattes all day to Soccer Moms.

• If you are in the midst of peak Food Court saturation, you cannot take a spare seat up with your shopping bags. Placing a wig, novelty glasses and clothing on top of said pile may trick a few and buy you some time, but ultimately you will probably get doused with an Orange Julius.

• Most Food Court tables are sturdy enough to support up to two leashed children comfortably. However if said kids have ingested any discernible amount of sugar beforehand, say free candy canes from a Mall Santa, then there is no guarantee it will hold. Also remember to give them just enough lead so that they can scavenge off other tables or if a cute child, possibly make out very well on handouts.

• You may notice that the Court appears to be filled with at least 25% of teenagers who appear to all be sharing the same order from New York Fries. This is not true. In fact, the true percentage is closer to 75%. Do not attempt to have them kicked out. You are the old man from Pixar’s “UP” and they are any one of the vicious gangs from “the Warrior”. You will be asked to come out and play in the underground parkade, where your 10,000 helium balloons, trusty Asian sidekick or talking dog can’t help you.

  

• If you are wearing anything white and even if you did not receive dipping sauce, gravy or soy sauce with your order, Food Court law dictates that you will end up adorning some type of stain via condiment. Stick to earth tones or full body hazmat suit.

• If an employee slips you a note in your burger that reads “Please help me escape!!” do the right thing and report it to his Manager right away. Nine times out of ten you will be rewarded with a complimentary beverage size upgrade or free nacho cheese topping bonus.

• Sitting directly across from a stranger and trying to eat your meal comfortably is impossible. It would be easier to give that person an oil soaked back massage by candlelight while his/her immediate family watches then to consume a tray of Nachos Supreme with inevitable awkward eye contact. This is often why you see sporadic empty chairs in the sea of Mall munching masses or an introverted shopper chowing down on a Mama Burger in a phone booth.

• If you have been on your feet for any extended length of time and the dogs are barking, purchase two large Slush Puppies and pour out onto plastic serving trays. Deposit your sweaty, aching footsies and enjoy a quick spa like refresher at a very low price. Wipe excess Puppy with free lemony fresh wipes obtained from KFC and you’re on your way to attack additional Black Friday sales!

I hope some or all of these tips will help make your Black Friday Food Court experience less daunting. Or you could always just stay in the comfort of your toasty warm abode, order a pizza for delivery to your door and do all this shopping online.

But then you would be depriving yourself that magical Black Friday Holiday experience of sleep deprivation, stress and muscle strain fueled by a Pretzel Dog.

I’m sure you don’t have to be a twenty-one day Jeopardy Champ to deduce how “Nuttier than a Fruitcake” or “Easy as Pie” came to stand the test of time in the pantheon of frequently used one offs.

Of course my idea of how a particular phrase came to fruition is almost always way off the mark once you dig deeper into its roots. Ok way off. Ok, Ok, a History Professor could bring me up on charges for factual injustices against the world.

Just for kicks, I have compiled for you, five of the more popular sayings which have stood the test of time in our fast paced world with my musings of its origins, followed mercifully by the real one.

And no, “Where’s the Beef?” will not be making an appearance.

Don’t Put Your Eggs in One Basket

Andy: Back in the day, when Styrofoam had yet to be invented, many a villager purchased their eggs locally from market, deposited into one basket and as a result of transporting on badly constructed roads or flatulent donkey, ended up with their dozen being downsized considerably. I also think the Farmers who sold eggs conspired with local basket weavers.

Factual: This phrase is often attributed to Miguel Cervantes, the contemporary of Shakespeare and author (in 1605) of the world-famous “Don Quixote.” However, in fact Cervantes’ original Spanish doesn’t use this phrase; various English translators have used it to convey his meaning. Historians note its first recorded use is in a 1660 text, where it is clearly already a well known proverb. After this it appears frequently, always with the same meaning of “Don’t put all your resources (money, time, energy) into the same project, in case that project fails.

Selling Like Hotcakes

Andy: Wasn’t this coined in the 50’s by a green line cook at Denny’s who didn’t realize pancakes and hotcakes are pretty much the same thing?

Factual: “Hot cakes cooked in bear grease or pork lard were popular from earliest times in American. First made of cornmeal, the griddle cakes or pancakes were of course best when served piping hot and were often sold at church benefits, fairs, and other functions. So popular were they that by the beginning of the 19th century ‘to sell like hot cakes’ became a familiar expression for anything that sold very quickly effortlessly, and in quantity.”

Full of Beans

Andy: I think this term was used as a PG alternative to when someone would call another person out on being full of it. Well something that rhymes with it.

Factual: This term was first used to describe a race horse that possessed lots of energy and was in tip-top condition. Nobody really seemed to question when exactly beans had become the staple diet of horses. Gradually it moved onto Humans around the beginning of the Nineteenth Century. It did gradually over the years move from noting one of vigor and health, to one who exaggerates a bit too much.

Saving your Bacon

Andy: A common practice amongst business savvy Farmers would be to horde all their Pigs until the competitors had sold out on their stock at market. Once he was in sole possession of an Oink monopoly, he could butcher accordingly and sell at an inflated cost.

Factual: As the only meat readily available to a large amount of the population for hundreds of years, bacon was a much sought after commodity on dinner plates. Bacon was cured and dried to ensure sustenance through harsh winters. Saving you bacon from any form of loss or damage amounted to an almost life saving act. Therefore the term gradually evolved to mean you were saving yourself from injury or other type of life changing disaster.

Talking Turkey

Andy: In Pilgrim days of early America, bored families would sit around the fire entranced by the ventriloquist act put on by their eccentric, most likely insane elder. This would entail a freshly plucked turkey dressed up in baby clothes and worked like a puppet. The “Talking Turkey” would be eaten shortly after the show with much guilt and crying by younger members of the kin. The use of turkeys as prop humor has been passed down over the years. Please refer to Mr. Bean Christmas Special, and the episode of Friends which blatantly rips off the same gag in which Joey gets one stuck on his head.

Factual: This term originated in America where it was commonly used by mid Nineteenth century. It means talking business or talking seriously. It does in fact come from the early days of the colonies when the turkey became an important trading commodity between the Native Indians and the Pilgrims. Whenever a colonist showed up on the wigwam step to do some type of trade, inevitably it almost always revolved around a turkey. So, Indians coined the phrase “You come to talk turkey?”