Pictures via Beef Jerky Reviews and Snack Patrol.

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via Gothamist

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Oh yeah, and a special shout-out to Jordan (Jo-Jo) – yep, your friend actually is cool enough to know me.

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An eagle eyed reader over at Serious Eats spotted a cream cheese filled, normal shaped round bagel, at the website for SJR Foods:

Turns out, the product seen above is called the “Unholey Bagel” and was released by SJR foods in 1997. Larry Baras is credited as the inventor by some sources.

However, A U.S. Patent for the idea of a cream cheese filled bagel was issued on May 7, 1996 to a man named Alvin Burger. It is unclear what Burger’s involvement with the “Unholey Bagel” is, but he was working to patent the idea around the same time, after he lost the rights to a product he invented called the “Bagel Ball” while he was the owner of Roasters & Toasters.

Alvin Burger holds a U.S. Patent not just for the idea of a bagel pre-filled with cream cheese, but for the boiling process, steaming process and forming process involved in making it. He is also credited with founding Al’s Famous Filled Bagels, and for creating Bagel sticks and New Orleans style bagel sticks.

For those who did not see my earlier update, there is an article from Chicago Business which may answer a lot of people’s original questions. It appears, based on the article, that Kraft’s new Bagel-Ful’s are intended to be bagel STICKS, not full bagels. Also, they are intended to be microwaved, not toasted.

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The Top 6 So Good blog posts of 2007 have been selected based on several criteria: total views, # of comments, attention generated elsewhere in the blogosphere and reader satisfaction. Why 6? Because I just thought these posts stood out above the rest, and five alone wouldn’t suffice. So without further ado, here are your Top 6 posts of 2007:

1. The Whopper Freakout = Genius

The most viewed blog post in So Good history, thanks to being the #3 result on Google for “Whopper Freakout” (which lead to an additional 4,000 people visiting So Good). This post was linked to by 11 other blogs, and also inspired the most conversation of any So Good post so far, with 67 comments.

2. Happy Sandwich: Is Kraft VP of Marketing Talking Up Kraft Singles on So Good?

What happens when the person who essentially writes, “OMG! Everyone likes grilled cheese with Kraft Singles! Super Yummy!” in your blog comments turns out to be the VP of Marketing for Kraft Foods? People laugh their asses off.

3. Who Owns the Steak Bomb?

A) People in New England eat steak bombs for decades.
B) Suddenly a sub shop patents the term.
C) Said sub shop sends cease and desist letter to its nearest competitor. Demands they stop using the term “steak bomb.”
D) Consumers flock to So Good, mock sub shop for their brazen, yet laughable power grab.

4. Pizza With Burgers, Fries and McNuggets

It’s amazing how intrigued people are by bizarre combinations of food.

5. Happy Sandwich? Kraft Foods Has No Friends

The post that “started it all,” leading to a string of 7 or 8 posts observing the comedy of errors in Kraft’s online Happy Sandwich campaign. After a NY Times article talking about the new Happy Sandwich MySpace page, no one at Kraft logged into the page to post a notice saying it wouldn’t go live until two weeks later, leaving an untended MySpace page with no information, thus affording me a golden opportunity to mock Kraft Foods for having no friends – just like in high school.

6. “Honey, This Popcorn Needs More……Bacon”

With a snark heavy analysis, I introduce my readers to Bacon Salt, the breakthrough new seasoning of 2007.

Thanks everyone for a great 2007. Hope you enjoy reading these posts as much as I do writing them.

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On December 23rd, I noted that the winning video in the Kraft Happy Sandwich campaign displayed a spam comment for a porn site. On January 2nd, I once again pointed out that the spam comment was STILL there, and had been visible since November 28th:

“wat’s up guys?any one out there who want to watch SEX VIDEOS, HENTAI, SEXY VIRGIN TEENS HAVING THERE FIRST TIME IN SEX & LATEST MOVIES? just click the link below!”

Well it looks like someone at Kraft read my blog post and FINALLY figured out how to utilize the delete function. This is Internet 101 people – you see a spam comment, you delete it. It’s not brain surgery. Nice work Kraft, it only took you 5 weeks to figure that out.

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Nine days ago I noted that the winning video for Kraft’s Happy Sandwich campaign featured a sandwich looking at his genitals. The damage on that front is done, as the choice of a video winner has already been named. But in my post, I also noted some negligence in overseeing the MySpace video, which displayed (and still displays) a comment hawking porn:

“wat’s up guys?any one out there who want to watch SEX VIDEOS, HENTAI, SEXY VIRGIN TEENS HAVING THERE FIRST TIME IN SEX & LATEST MOVIES? just click the link below!”

Yep, nine days later, the porn spam has still not been deleted. Over 15,000 people have viewed this video, and that porn spam has been visible on the video since November 28th. Yikes. Someone show those folks over at Kraft how to use the “delete” function. I’m trying to get in the mood for a grilled cheese sandwich, not “sex videos.”

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But the video itself, while mildly amusing, is somewhat strange. It features a male grilled cheese in a bikini bottom getting in a tanning bed. When the sandwich gets out of the tanning bed, he has a bit of a dirty smirk on his face as he pulls his bikini bottom out a couple inches and looks down at the area where (if he was a person, not a sandwich) his genitals would be. After looking down at his genitals, he glances back up at the camera and makes a big, dirty, smile. Don’t believe me? Watch the winning video for yourself:

Editorial comment before we move on: let me just say that I never, ever, ever want to have to imagine my grilled cheese sandwich having genitals.

As if that isn’t strange enough, on MySpaceTV, where the video was posted under the title “finalist 4“, there is a spam comment that has been left on the video promoting what one can only surmise is a plug for some sort of porn site. The comment, posted on November 28th, reads as follows:

“wat’s up guys?any one out there who want to watch SEX VIDEOS, HENTAI, SEXY VIRGIN TEENS HAVING THERE FIRST TIME IN SEX & LATEST MOVIES? just click the link below!”

Uh Kraft? Why aren’t you deleting the spam comments for porn sites that people are leaving on the videos of your finalists? Do you think kids logging in to watch the Happy Sandwich finalists should have to read about “sexy virgin teens”? C’mon Kraft, don’t try and tell me you have no control over the comments being left, because these videos were re-posted as finalists by the MySpace user named “Kraft.”

Whoever is controlling that MySpace account, whether it is someone at Kraft headquarters or an internet firm you guys hired, should be deleting this porn spam from the videos the DAY it appears. The fact that this spam comment is still visible on the video of one of your finalists nearly a MONTH later is inexcusable, and shows either laziness or incompetence. This isn’t just me poking fun for a good blog post, I run these types of online campaigns for a living, and I’m baffled by the comedy of errors that have occurred during this campaign.

Over and over now I’ve thought I was done writing about the Kraft Happy Sandwich campaign. Yet time after time something has emerged for me to poke fun at. Now that a winner has been announced, Kraft executives can get busy figuring out how to make a TV commercial that appeals to children, but also features a grilled cheese sandwich with genitals.

While you’re at it Kraft executives, you might want to delete the spam for porno sites from the online videos of your finalists and your winners. Just a suggestion.

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But first, the brief back story. Two weeks ago, I wrote a tongue-in-cheek post about a MySpace page that was set up for Kraft Foods to use to launch a contest. More specifically, I mocked the fact that the page did not yet have any friends besides MySpace’s founder, Tom.

I used this information to make a handful of moderately amusing jokes about a Kraft Single in high school getting teased by Hormel Ham, losing out to a senior named “aged swiss” etc. etc. You get the idea. Fairly innocuous. But a whopping 12 days after making the post, I received a very intriguing comment on it:

At the time I wondered who could possibly be so confident that Kraft Singles would have “a bunch of friends” on MySpace. While I assumed the comment was left by someone involved in making the MySpace page, I was curious who felt the need to note that people like grilled cheese, “especially if you make it with Kraft Singles.” Huh? I mean honestly, who is that passionate about Kraft Singles? And who talks like that without owning stock in Kraft?

Ruca Bangs was curious too, and after getting a press release in his e-mail talking up the new “Happy Sandwich” campaign of Kraft, he noticed a quote from one Jane Hilk, Vice President of Marketing for Cheese & Dairy at Kraft Foods. Could it be? Could Jane Hilk be the “hilkster” who took the time to defend Kraft Singles 12 days after I made a post making fun of them?

The similarities between “Hilk” and “hilkster” would seem to make the answer an obvious yes, but that isn’t enough evidence on it’s own. Perhaps a quick check of the IP address that hilkster commented from would shed some light? I discovered that “hilkster” was posting from somewhere in Illinois:

A quick Google search gives us the location of Kraft headquarters, and shows that Kraft’s Global Corporate Headquarters is located in Northfield, IL, and their Management Center is in Glenview, IL.

I think it’s safe to assume that “hilkster” was none other than Kraft VP of Marketing for Cheese & Dairy, Jane Hilk. No wonder “hilkster” was so passionate about Kraft! They pay her salary!

Hilarious. But also awesome. I actually love to see management of all levels high and low reading blogs. The fact that Jane Hilk felt the need to comment on So Good is a testament to the power that blogs have in today’s marketplace.

So I say to my readers: if you think at any point I’m making a factual error in a post, feel free to let me know either in the comments or through the contact form. Oh yeah, and hilkster? Sorry, but I am definitely not a fan of American cheese or cheese singles of any kind. Readers, do yourself a favor, buy real cheese, not the overly processed American cheese that tries to pass itself off as real cheese.

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Yesterday, someone named “hilkster” showed up in the comments of my post to argue that there were no friends on the page because the program didn’t start until October 15. Fair enough. Although “hilkster” seemed to have an unusually passionate attitude towards Kraft Singles…I mean c’mon, no one likes processed cheese THAT much do they?

Anyways, “hilkster” went on to suggest that once the program started, “Kraft Singles will have a bunch of friends.” Uh yeah, right. Of course they will. If there is something everyone on MySpace wants to be friends with, it’s a MySpace page for a piece of artificial cheese.

Well, October 15th, the official start of the “Happy Sandwich” campaign has arrived, and a quick check of the MySpace page shows……you guessed it…..STILL NO FRIENDS. The campaign officially launched today, but no one has logged into the page since Friday, and the friend section of the page is still woefully lonely:

HELLO??? Kraft? Anyone there? Aren’t you aware that the campaign “launched” today? Get some friends already! I tried to warn you that joining MySpace would be like high school all over again. Oh Kraft, even on MySpace you’re still on the outside looking in.

UPDATE: The page finally went live sometime around 2 PM, and features a whole bunch of flash animation and links through which to submit your video.  Also, the page already has 91 friends! Kraft is bringing it now!

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“Kraft is suffering from lagging growth as consumers switch to cheaper store brands, costlier gourmet-style products or more innovative offerings.”

The new Kraft campaign will be called “Have a Happy Sandwich”, and will be a television, print, online and retail campaign touting the happiness that comes with eating a Kraft singles grilled cheese sandwich.

The campaign is centering around a contest on MySpace which begins on Oct. 15. Consumers are being asked to create video clips that celebrate grilled cheese; the winner gets $50,000 and a chance to have his or her video produced as a commercial. Only one problem so far, take a quick look at the Kraft MySpace page.

Awwwwwww! It looks like Kraft Foods has no friends. What a loser!

I bet this feels like high school for you all over again huh Kraft? You remember high school don’t you? No? Let me remind you:

• Everyone would make fun of you by asking if your many zits were “individually wrapped.”
• You would get pantsed on the playground everyday by Hormel ham and Butterball turkey.
• The bullies would cut in front of you in the lunch line while making cracks about “cutting the cheese.”
• Your attempts to have a threesome with two slices of WonderBread were thwarted when they ran off with that asshole senior “Aged Swiss.”
• Everyone made fun of your totally unnatural orangish-yellow color by calling you “orange dye #7 boy.”

Hey Kraft, the biggest newspaper in the country just wrote a story about you and gave a link to your MySpace page. But according to your profile you haven’t logged on since September 28th. You idiot! Is anyone manning your MySpace page? You could have 3, 4, maybe even a dozen friend requests by now! If you had played your cards right, Fruit-by-the-Foot and Lunchables would be your friends already!

Poor Kraft, just like in high school, you’re still on the outside looking in.

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