Good lord that’s one hideous looking pizza. Now I understand the use of black olives to make her hair.  I also understand that some people like black olives. But I ask you: do you really like black olives enough to eat that many in each bite? I submit that you do not.  So just to re-cap about the pizza:  A) Looks horribly disgusting, and B) most likely tastes equivalent to shoving an entire can of black olives into your mouth at once.

But what makes the article about this new pizza absolutely awesome is this quote from the bakery’s product development chef, Toby Thorogood:

“There are photos of Susan Boyle everywhere and I started thinking how much she looks like a pizza with that round head of hers.”

Lets go through the list of reactions one might have had when they first viewed the Susan Boyle YouTube clip. For some, their reaction was “wow, she has a beautiful voice.”  For others it was, “what an inspiring story.”  But for Toby Thorogood, the reaction was, of course, “that lady’s head looks like a pizza.”  Nice.

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H/T to11 Points and their “11 Early Roles the Cast of Lost Wishes We’d All Forget.”

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H/T Bacon Unwrapped.

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1. Guy Fieri

Show and Premise: Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.  Guy Fieri (pronounced with extra Italian emphasis) showcases awesome eateries all over the U.S.  Great premise.

My Problem: My brother loves this guy, but anyone could do his job.  Here’s an idea: Why don’t we pluck Andy Rooney off of his old person’s couch.  You know, that ancient guy who wears glasses and is SALTY AS FUCK.  Let’s bring him to awesome diners, drive-ins and dives all over the country.  This would make insanely great television.  Who doesn’t want to see an old man muttering and trying to eat giant burgers while trying to suppress his “quiet” racism when forced to eat Mexican food?

Instead, we have a Van’s Warped Tour reject wandering around eating things.  This is considered entertainment.  His food criticism is terrifying.  This is probably the part of the show that makes me want to put my skinny white fist right through screen the most.  “Awesome.”  “Wow.  Wow.”  “This is great.”  “This is awesome.”  Thanks Guy, thank you for your insight.

My Solution: Shoot Guy Fieri out of a canon into outer space.  Replace him with either Rooney or a morbidly obese 14-year-old.

2. Mario Batali

Show and premise: Molto Mario and Iron Chef America.  Alright, I know that the show was canceled in 2004.  But it was done for a reason.  I loves me some Iron Chef, but tend to gravitate towards the classic version with AWFUL voice-over work.

My Problem: Pompous, terrible sense of humor, and the real nail in the coffin: He makes me agree with Mo Rocca.  I hate Mo Rocca, but apparently we both hate the fact that Mario wears Crocs.  I dislike Crocs footwear more than Mario, so it’s a deadly combination.

Let’s not forget his descriptions of food.  When creating a simple lasagna, you get this crammed into your ear-hole: “This is no simple ricotta.  No, this is prepared in the Southern-most tip of a’Italy, where the women were without proper cheese cloths.  In order to separate the curds from the whey, they would…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…Look, I like to learn about regional cooking, but not by a guy so in love with his own voice.  This problem is especially evident in Iron Chef, where it takes him approximately 4/5’s of the show to present his first two dishes.  He’s essentially the David Foster Wallace of cooking with no endearing qualities.

My solution: Put him on a PBS show with the actress-wife of epic fail Coldplay singer Chris Martin.  That way no…oh, they already did.  FANTASTIC.

3. Sandra Lee/Rachael Ray

Show and Premise: Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade Cooking/ 30 Minute Whatevs.  Anyone can cook when they don’t have to try!

My problem: Let’s keep this short and sweet.  They don’t want you to try.  They do this under the guise of helping people who don’t have time to cook.  They actively promote laziness.  No, don’t learn the proper technique of cooking!  Get everything pre-made, respect no tradition.  Spit on the memory of Julia Child.  Is this the new American tradition of cooking?  Will mom’s pass these half-assed recipes down through generations?  I shudder at the thought.

My Solution: Shoot them out of canons facing each other.

4. Andrew Zimmern

Show and Premise: Bizarre Foods.  He goes all over the world eating strange food.

My Problem: This show is essentially Fear Factor with no underwater cages.  Zimmern is like a cruel American caricature, a fat, bald, jolly tourist with khaki shorts and salmon golf t-shirts.  His show is an unfortunate victim of reality show over-exposure syndrome.  How many times can I watch an American talking about how weird things are everywhere else?

Also, Andrew, speaking to foreigners isn’t the same as talking to people with hearing aids; LOUD and SLOW is patronizing.  Especially when the show is painfully half-scripted.  Honestly, it’s a less interesting version of Man Vs. Wild with Bear Grylls.  That being said, I would kill to see Andrew Zimmern jump into glacial pools and drink his own urine (less bacteria when it’s fresh, kids)!

My Solution: Never mind.  Just keep sending him out there.  It’s just so embarrassing.

5. Marc Summers

Show and Premise: Unwrapped.  Summers narrates over informative stock footage of candy factories.

My Problem: That he is completely and utterly insane.  His show is like the films you watched in Technology class in Middle School.  Clean, precise, full of boring, boring information.  Oh god.  It’s just so creepy and lifeless.  The only thing besides a Mark Summers voice-over that will make me change the channel faster is Real Housewives of Orange County.  And that should tell you something.

My Solution: Make Mark Summers take a bunch of peyote and wander around in the desert.  That should really make the show interesting.

Dishonorable Mention: Anthony Bourdain

Show and Premise: Eternally hip No Reservations

My Problem: Let’s make it clear that I have no problem with Bourdain The Writer.  He’s great at his craft, and I’ve read one and a half of his books.  However, his show is bizarrely formulaic for being anti-celebrity chef in its scabrous nature.  How his show reads:

1. Tony shows up in city or country.  Comments on how he can/can’t drink/smoke.
2. Tony voices his pre-determined opinion.  He knows it’s going to be great/doubts the locale’s greatness.
3. Tony eats a ton of food, but usually saves his more orgasmic reactions for meat.  Which is understandable (I guess?).
4. Tony gets too drunk/complains about how one of his shoots is boring
5. In the last scene, Tony eats a traditional peasants’ food, and reminds everyone that we’ve lost our way.  Talks about how he is “truly happy,” and how that is a rare thing.

Again, great writer, hilarious guy, show is getting stale like no one’s business.

Hope this sparks some debate.  I left out Bobby Flay because he’d be too easy.

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Photo credit to Stuart Ramson, via Adage.

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H/T Defamer and Eat Me Daily.

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Michael Phelps “goes to great lengths” for his Frosted Flakes, Shawn Johnson “flips out” over tacos and now the Williams sisters and the Manning brothers and battling it out to become DSRL champs (thats Double Stuff Racing League for those of you not in the know).

Well, it’s certainly nice to know that I can throw all that practice crap out the window and trade it in for a box of Frosted Flakes, some taco fixin’s and a bag of Oreo’s! 2010 Olympics, here I come!

Editors addition from Eick: I’m actually totally digging this ad. It’s rare that companies get this much star power in the same ad and don’t screw it up in some way or another. From the mock rivalry between the Mannings and the Williams siblings, to the behind the scenes footage of them trash talking each other, this ad definitely delivers. Plus, the giant dancing Oreo in the workout clothes is fairly hilarious. The DSRL website is also surprisingly well thought out and put together, describing the “history” behind the DSRL:

The site also encourages you to be interactive, by creating your own personalized “Yobble.”

Fun. Seems like a big-name, big-budget way to get people talking about Double Stuff Oreos – plus, the TV ad is still somewhat ambiguous in describing exactly what the Double Stuff Racing League is, which should lead people to Google to search for the website and find out.

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Via Serious Eats.

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I find the general obsession with celebrity chefs a bit odd. Usually once they become “celebrities” they cease all cooking and just exist. Seriously what do they do?. Other than pimp themselves out via crappy reality shows, not much. DISCLAIMER: I DO SOMETIMES ENJOY NEXT TOP CHEF.

Serious Eats recently wrote about the lack of celebrity chefs who actually stay in the kitchen, and I totally agree with almost everything they say. Someone needs to tell these people that a key part of being a “celebrity chef,” is actually cooking.

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(Photo: Jacob Kepler, AP)

Lil Jon, eloquently describes his feelings on wine in a phone interview with the AP, stating: “I’m not no ‘drink wine every day’ kind of dude…I’m not like an expert, so don’t ask me no questions … I just like the taste.”

So how does Lil Jon describe the final product?

“This is not no ghetto Boone’s Farm; this is some real wine.”

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(Photo via The Cinema Source)

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(Photo of Axl from Elle Blog)

From the press release:

“It took a little patience to perfect Dr Pepper’s special mix of 23 ingredients, which our fans have come to know and love,” said Jaxie Alt, director of marketing for Dr Pepper. “So we completely understand and empathize with Axl’s quest for perfection — for something more than the average album. We know once it’s released, people will refer to it as “Dr Pepper for the ears” because it will be such a refreshing blend of rich, bold sounds — an instant classic.”

Dr. Pepper has even set up a blog called Chinese Democracy When?, that they are encouraging customers to visit and voice their support for Axl to finish the album.

As someone who A) Loves Dr. Pepper, and B) Loves Guns N’ Roses, I have just one thing to say: Get on top of that shit Axl!

Update: Axl Rose has responded on his web site:

We are surprised and very happy to have the support of Dr Pepper with our album “Chinese Democracy,” as for us, this came totally out of the blue. If there is any involvement with this promotion by our record company or others, we are unaware of such at this time. And as some of Buckethead’s performances are on our album, I’ll share my Dr Pepper with him.

Axl Rose

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