Sadvertising: International Delight Iced Coffee Fail [Fail]

Every once in a while, a commercial comes along that takes Logic and slaps it across the face. It then takes Logic out back and hits in the head with a shovel. It takes all afternoon, but the commercial finally digs a deep enough grave in the woods behind the shed. The commercial then dumps about one hundred pounds of fresh manure on top of Logic’s slowly awakening body, before backing a cement truck up to the grave and encasing Logic in a tomb of foul indignity. International Delight Iced Coffee, you are that backwoods murderer.

The Characters: Nameless, faceless woman buying an iced coffee.  Smarmy voice-over guy with insane advice.

Premise: Faceless woman walks towards automatic door with a large iced coffee.  For no reason whatsoever, the doors smash shut and she faceplants, spilling her coffee absolutely EVERYWHERE, people.  Everywhere.  What is she going to do?  Instead of following this narrative, the voice-over guy says, “OOOOHHHHH, she should have had iced coffee at home!!!!”  And then there is a bunch of shots of milky iced coffee pouring out of a milk container into awaiting glasses of ice.

The Catchphrase: “It’s better at home!”

What the agency “pitch” probably sounded like: Alright, you told me that you wanted something edgy and hip, so let me hit you with this episode!  No, no, it’s a hip hop thing, sir.  Yes sir, I will tone down my presentation.  Anyways, you know those viral “fail” videos that are tubing on the netscape these days?  Well, I think that’s an untapped market!  No one has really tried doing this.  Let’s stage a Fail.  Lady gets her iced coffee, and BAM! she runs into a wall or a door or something and spills it everywhere!  And that’s a fail because she didn’t get to drink her drink.  Get it?  And then BOOM!  B-roll footage of carton after carton of this sugary, milky mess pouring into yearning empty glasses.  Whaddaya say, boys?

The Absurd: The concept of Fail is a difficult one, but for the most part Fail relies on a modicum of spontaneity.  Yes, someone is filming you trying to dunk a basketball while jumping on a trampoline, but they didn’t expect you to break your leg in such magnificent fashion.  Thus is the delicate balance that International Delight Iced Coffee utterly eviscerates.  The entire premise is shot due to the video’s obvious fakery, not to mention the insane leap of logic the Voice Over Guy takes: “Hey, you’re a clumsy moron who doesn’t watch where you’re going.  This wouldn’t happen if you were at home!”  And the conceit: Nothing usually happens when you stay at home.  Really?  What if, say, I bought a carton of International Delight Iced Coffee (Vanilla) and banged my hand on the refrigerator door while unscrewing the cap, thus dropping the contents on the floor to the (International) delight of my cat.  IT WOULD HAPPEN AT HOME, NUMBNUTS.  IT DOES ALL THE TIME .  What’s the name of that Elvis Costello track, is it “Accidents Will Happen?”  I’m not sure if he was referring to the horseshit concept of this commercial, but he may as well have been.

Why is it better at home?  If you’re as blind and ignorant as our heroine, can’t we easily assume that this would indeed happen at home?  In fact, it would be better to drop your iced coffee in the coffee shop anyways!  This has happened to me numerous times (the dropping, not the staged lunacy),  and I received another coffee free of charge while I apologized profusely.  And then, ladies and gents, they cleaned up MY mess.  Guess what happens when you do the same in your own home?  You don’t get a refund, AND you have to clean up the sugar slurry yourself.

It’s not better at home, guys.  It’s just not.

Inane Youtube Comment That Makes Me Question Sincerity as I Know It: “I was wondering if it was real footage but after watching it a couple of times I can tell its staged.” -theworstisyet2come