An article in yesterday’s NY Times, entitled The Pursuit of Happiness in a Grilled Cheese Sandwich reports that Kraft Foods is turning to a new agency, Nitro, in order to help boost sales. The NY Times reports:

“Kraft is suffering from lagging growth as consumers switch to cheaper store brands, costlier gourmet-style products or more innovative offerings.”

The new Kraft campaign will be called “Have a Happy Sandwich”, and will be a television, print, online and retail campaign touting the happiness that comes with eating a Kraft singles grilled cheese sandwich.

The campaign is centering around a contest on MySpace which begins on Oct. 15. Consumers are being asked to create video clips that celebrate grilled cheese; the winner gets $50,000 and a chance to have his or her video produced as a commercial. Only one problem so far, take a quick look at the Kraft MySpace page.

kraft-myspace-logo.png

kraft-friends.png

Awwwwwww! It looks like Kraft Foods has no friends. What a loser!

I bet this feels like high school for you all over again huh Kraft? You remember high school don’t you? No? Let me remind you:

  • Everyone would make fun of you by asking if your many zits were “individually wrapped.”
  • You would get pantsed on the playground everyday by Hormel ham and Butterball turkey.
  • The bullies would cut in front of you in the lunch line while making cracks about “cutting the cheese.”
  • Your attempts to have a threesome with two slices of WonderBread were thwarted when they ran off with that asshole senior “Aged Swiss.”
  • Everyone made fun of your totally unnatural orangish-yellow color by calling you “orange dye #7 boy.”

Hey Kraft, the biggest newspaper in the country just wrote a story about you and gave a link to your MySpace page. But according to your profile you haven’t logged on since September 28th. You idiot! Is anyone manning your MySpace page? You could have 3, 4, maybe even a dozen friend requests by now! If you had played your cards right, Fruit-by-the-Foot and Lunchables would be your friends already!

Poor Kraft, just like in high school, you’re still on the outside looking in.

16 Responses

  1. BaconHeather

    Seriously…sounds like the new agency is really working out! But I do have to admit that I still like an occasional Kraft single on a sandwich or even on its own as a little snack…despite how creepy the stuff may be.

    Reply
  2. shatraw

    homer: mmmm…64 slices of american cheese. 64 (eats one) 63 (eats one)

    (Time elapses. night turns to morning)

    homer: 2 (eats it slowly, painfully)… 1 (finishes the cheese)

    marge: (entering the kitchen) homer, have you been up all night eating slices of american cheese?

    homer: i think i’m blind.

    Reply
  3. hilkster

    check your facts. My Space won’t allow you to become a friend until the program starts tomorrow. Kraft Singles will have a bunch of friends. Everybody likes grilled cheese, especially if you make it with Kraft Singles.

    Reply
  4. Eick

    A) Check my facts? My whole post was based on the absurd premise of a piece of Kraft cheese attending high school…how do facts factor into this? Yes, you are right, it is a fact that at no point has a piece of cheese ever attended high school.

    B) Myspace won’t ALLOW you to be a friend? Wrong. I just made a friend request and MySpace didn’t stop anything. Whoever is running the page has simply made the choice to not accept friend requests until Oct 15, it’s NOT MySpace stopping anything, just the page’s operator. Once a page is set up, Myspace allows you to do whatever you want with it.

    C) “Everybody” likes grilled cheese? Actually I can think of 50 million people who don’t like it, that being all the Americans that are lactose intolerant.

    D) Kraft singles are gross, just like any kind of heavily processed cheese is gross. You would never want to eat it cold, it’s only tolerable when melted. I’d much rather have a grilled cheese with some good sharp cheddar or some swiss.

    Reply
  5. Ruca Bangs

    Is it actually cheese?

    hilkster is clearly a passionate kraft intern or a cheese lobbyist.

    Don’t fuck with the cheese lobby. They have a whey of making you change your mind.

    Reply
  6. Chocolatesa

    To me, Kraft cheese products are based on PLASTIC. No thank you, friends or no!

    Reply
  8. Rain

    well, first of all,is anybody even ON MySpace anymore? I know this post is well over a year old, but I’m pretty sure MySpace was dead and buried long before this campaign started.

    Everybody KNOWS that everyone who’s anyone on the interwebs these days is hanging out on “FacebookandTwitter”.

    (i am a fan (no pun intended) of FB, but I despise Twitter . . . maybe almost more than I despise MySpace–yeah,definitely more. I feel sorry for MySpace, but Twitter is a clear case of the emperor wearing no clothes.

    Reply
  9. John

    Kraft! Does all their food have to contain nutrition (lack of) like that of a jar of Mayonaise? Oh yeah… they’re purveyors of obesity in American and are they’re working on the rest of the world as well! I’m starting a campaign to avoid buying Kraft foods at grocery stores, restaurants and anywhere else they have product! KRAFT SUCKS!

    Reply
  10. John

    How does $6 for a block of cheese fat sound to you? Empty your purse or wallet. Crap in crap out but what you don’t see is clogged arteries.

    Reply

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